Story of my life
Author's note: Its my story told by me, while im bleeding from the inside
The beginningChapter 1
She’s broken. Her stomach is turning, her eyes are on fire, her breaths are weary, and her whole world feels wrecked. She smothers her face in her pillow hoping it’ll cover the sound of her violent sobs. Her whole body shakes as she builds up the next squeal before it leaves the silence of her mouth. She’s broken, but one day she’ll find her strength and begin to put her heart back together, and that’s the day that she’ll realize, but that day will be too late.
She wakes up with bitter sweet dreams throughout the night; sweet in the sense that she is in her arms again, bitter because reality jerks her out of them. These dreams repeat every hour. Every hour she wakes up to her broken reality. Every hour she sobs herself back to her dreams. She’s broken, but one day she’ll find her strength and begin to put her heart back together, and that’s the day that she’ll realize, but that day will be too late.
The light shines through her window, awakening her to her new life of darkness. She wakes up from her first full night of being broken. She falls to her knees in her failed attempt to drag her aching body out of bed. She stays there and cries a while until she finds the strength to pull her broken body off the ground, put make up on her broken face, and drag her broken self into her new broken life. She lives the day with fake smiles and false happiness. When she gets home she removes the fake joy from her face, crawls into bed, and welcomes her hated new life of being destroyed, shattered, crushed, and broken. She’s broken, but one day she’ll find her strength and begin to put her heart back together, and that’s the day that she’ll realize, but that day will be too late.
This routine continues for about a week, until one day she catches herself smiling, and for the first time since she broke, her smile isn’t forced, it’s natural. She’s not yet happy, but she is healing. The broken always heal, and once your broken heart begins to heal there is no use in turning back and placing it in the same position that it was once broken.
The next day someone made her laugh. It is a real laugh. She is still healing. She realizes she hasn’t cried in the past two days. She still misses her but she is no longer broken. She still loves her, but now she is healing. The broken always heal, and once your broken heart begins to heal there is no use in turning back and placing it in the same position that it was once broken.
The next day she comes to her and says, “Babe I need you, I’m so broken.”
She replies, “I was broken, but the broken always heal, and once your broken heart begins to heal there is no use in turning back and placing it in the same position that it was once broken .”
She was broken, but one day she found her strength and began to put her heart back together, and that was the day that she realized, but that day was too late.
As the weeks passed, she could see it coming. Vein by vein, she pulled out her heart, making the pain unbearable. Every message told her what was coming. She’d seen it happening over the past two months, but ignored it. Every little detail told her it would end soon. She refused. Refused to let it change how she felt. In her mind, they were still as happily in love as they had been when they began. Reality escaped her. The truth escaped her. The truth can’t always set you free. Sometimes it’s your undoing, as it was hers.
She saw it coming, yet she didn’t. She didn’t want to believe the truth. The truth that it was over. Her first love…was over. She thought it would never end because she had told her it wouldn’t.
No matter what?
Forever and always?
Did she forget saying those words? Did she forget what they meant? She didn’t, and she never would. In fact, her love stubbornly continued to grow. Everyday she loved her with a passion he couldn’t begin to imagine. She’ll never see. She’ll never know her sorrow to love yet be unloved.
She’d said she was confused. Now, so is she. She’s confused as to why. Everything was always so clear to her. She thought it was clear to her too. She thought… Her thoughts were what got her into the mindset: the mindset that her first love would be her only love. Her thoughts were her undoing…just as the truth was.
Six months after she said goodbye, she still held her close to her heart, hoping…praying that she’d come to see how much she loved her.
She stood in front of her now, standing closer than she had in months.
“Is there something you want to tell me?” Even though they were apart now, she still knew when she was hiding.
She looked into her eyes, but quickly averted them.
I can’t say it. She doesn’t love you anymore, remember?” she told herself. Her mind raced. She remembered how they began.
A simple cookout. A girl she’d seen, but never met. The instant, unspoken love. Then later, their lives changing. She remembers the words she said to calm her down when she thought she could bear the world no longer.
What if she won’t ever love me again?
How could she forget everything if that was so? How could she forget the feeling of their entwined fingers, the way she kissed her? How, oh, how could she forget their night when they held each other in the lightless, hidden dark?
She yearned to run from her and the world, but she couldn’t. She stood in front of her, leaving her no place to turn.
“Tell me,” she said, meeting her eyes once more.
When she looked into her dreamy brown eyes as she had a million times before, she saw something that she couldn’t identify. Concern? Love? She didn’t know. Her eyes revealed nothing.
With a shallow, cracked voice, the words came slow and hushed, “I still love you.”
She anticipated her answer. Seconds passed like hours, yet her face remained unchanged. A look of stone. Is that all she was anymore? Stone? No matter how many times she screamed in her mind for her to say something, anything, she remained silent. Her silence lasted far too long. She knew her thoughts, and it wasn’t what she wanted. What she saw in those eyes left her heart shattered when it wasn’t whole. It left her broken with no way to heal.
You promised you'd always be here. You promised you'd beat it this time. You promised you wouldn’t give up. You promised, you promised, you promised. What happens when a promise is broken? Do you know what this has done? The pain it's causing? The hearts that it has broken, into a million pieces that can't be glued back together, no matter how hard I try. They say it's better this way, but what do they know? I just want it back to the way it was. Before the pain and agony that now haunts me every day. Before the black abyss that threatens to swallow me every minute of every day came along. I'll never see your face again, or hear your laugh. I'll never hear your voice or tell you I love you ever again. That kill's me more than you will ever know. So now I sit drying my tears yet again, trying to be strong. I know its what you would want, but you cant always get what you want. The tears still fall, as I contemplate the rest of my days without you. No more embarrassing dancing in public, no more taking road trips just because we felt like it. No more Christmas music playing all year round. No more you. I pick up the phone, even though I can’t call. It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from. All I want is to hear your voice. All I want is to give you a hug. All that I have left is a broken heart, to go along nicely with your broken promise.