One stormy night i was walking home from the movies.My friends and i had decided to watch a scary movie.So i was kind of scared.While i was walking i decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.While i was walking through the cemetery something very freaky happened.When i was walking into the cemetery i heard a strange noise and i thought to myself no, its just the wind.When i got into the cemetery i heard that same strange noise again.So i turned around to see what it was.I saw a zombie!I screamed and ran behind a tree.While i was behind the tree i was looking around and they were everywhere.I felt a little tap on my shoulder and i knew i t was goin ti be something scary,something like a zombie.I was to scared to turn around so i just stood there and then i pfelt that same tap again.When i started to turn around i was really frightend.I turned around and saw this huge zombie and he said i got u now!!!! I screamed and took off running home.
RUN!!!!
Maggie.lThe first thing I noticed were convention problems: for example, you should add spaces after periods. Considering your story, I felt that it was a little underdeveloped: the pace was too fast, and the emotions and descriptions were not highlighted. It was easy to lose interest. I would suggest creating a more suspenseful and creepy atmosphere. You have a good start, but a lot of room to improve! Keep writing!
I feel the same way :)
howie? said...
Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:59 pm:
Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:59 pm:
how did this bummy piece can approved?! The editor must be emo!
IamtheshyStargirl
Instead of saying "something freaky happened," or "I heard a noise," describe the noise to us. Instead of saying "I saw a zombie!" describe it to us. Say "I saw an old-looking man wandering toward me. My gaze shifted from his gray, peeling flesh to his gaping maw as he let out a blood-curdling moan."
DarkMountainAn interesting story, but spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors made it hard to understand and sloppy. Suggestion: Run the story through a spell checker before you upload next time.
DHgirlsry but this was not the best. it was very short and not very detailed. . . sorry but with time you'll get better . . .
Headshot M. said...
Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:44 pm:
Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:44 pm:
Dude!!!! u depress me. What is with the 'no paragraphing. Man, I'm sorry but definitely more description. Dude, I mean, what is with the I 's .sorry, but 2 stars
its a good plot, but i need detail. you should post a comment after you submit the improved "detailified" version of this story
interesting, short. it did keep my attn though :) keep writting!! :) u have good style
fryee said...
Sept. 24, 2009 at 7:59 pm:
Sept. 24, 2009 at 7:59 pm:
With this article I noticed that the length was too short. The whole story seemed to happen really fast and I lost interest easily. The beginning was very spooky with cemetery and stormy night however I began losing interest in the middle as I mentioned, also to make your writing more interesting I suggest using more descriptive words. I would rate this piece a two out of five stars.
AdrianA.M.
boyda said...
Sept. 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm:
Sept. 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm:
This story is quite uninteresting and boring to me. It is full of typos, misspellings (i.e. "i was really frightend"), and computer language (u instead of you). All you seem to start your sentences with is "while i was", which gets very repetitive. What ended up happening to your friends? All you talk about is that you ran home, but I was curious on what you did with your friends? Did you just abandon them?
thomasb said...
Sept. 23, 2009 at 2:41 pm:
Sept. 23, 2009 at 2:41 pm:
The story was full of grammar errors such as: computer language, improper use of capitalization, and it also started sentences with ABFONSY. The piece was not very descriptive. I believe that the author should edit and revise this piece and add a few more details and correct the grammar mistakes.
rimelb said...
Sept. 22, 2009 at 6:20 am:
Sept. 22, 2009 at 6:20 am:
One problem I noticed with this piece is the repetition in your sentence beginnings. For instance, you start several sentences with "While I..." There is also quite a bit of repetition of the word "cemetery" early in the piece. Also, could you describe the zombie? I find myself wanting to know what he or she looked like to make him/her so scary to you. Finally, as the previous commenter said, clean up your grammar errors such as lack of punctuation in dialogue, computer ... (more »)
julia H.you have a good idea, but try making it longer and more detailed, to add interest. Also, fix some of the grammer errors and typos. I like it alot so far though!
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