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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

BadGirl GOLD said...
on Dec. 15 2011 at 7:57 am
BadGirl GOLD, Dacula, Georgia
13 articles 10 photos 56 comments

Favorite Quote:
I&#039;d rather be HATED for who I am<br /> then be LOVED for who I&#039;m not.<br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /> All I need is for someone to say &quot;I believe in you.&quot;

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Its so bad that its funny!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!! :D

ArsinoeAnonymous said...
on Dec. 9 2011 at 4:32 pm
ArsinoeAnonymous, Unknown, North Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 12 comments
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Nice work.  I love this!

 

Fangstorm_The_Vampire GOLD said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 4:20 pm
Fangstorm_The_Vampire GOLD, Tehachapi, California
15 articles 1 photo 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
It&#039;s a bird!<br /> It&#039;s a midget!<br /> NO. it&#039;s...... EDWARD ELRIC.

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My mind as i read this:

1. WTF?

2. YEAH!

3. .....................

4. Wait, what?

5. Um....

6. LOLOLOLOLOLOLROFL

7. O.O

Charlie1 SILVER said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 3:26 pm
Charlie1 SILVER, Saguache, Colorado
5 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;i must confess i feel like a monster&quot; &quot;your mother&quot;

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hahaha that is halarious xD
Ahmad-Mobeen GOLD said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 12:19 pm
Ahmad-Mobeen GOLD, Rawalpindi, Other
11 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
Understand life... Don&#039;t just STAND UNDER it!

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This is great... I mean, that's really outstanding! =)
You've done a reat job! =D
snazzyshades BRONZE said...
on Dec. 6 2011 at 6:26 pm
snazzyshades BRONZE, Big Bend, Wisconsin
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;live life like there&#039;s no tomorrow&quot;

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this is hilarious i absolutley love it great job
artismylife said...
on Dec. 5 2011 at 7:42 pm
I find this story highly amazing 5+ I loved it!!
GeeGi BRONZE said...
on Dec. 5 2011 at 6:01 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
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Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;Being crazy isn&#039;t enough.&rdquo;<br /> ― Dr. Seuss<br /> <br /> &ldquo;Why fit in when you were born to stand out?&rdquo;<br /> ― Dr. Seuss

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I have never EVER liked twilight. I still don't, but this pretty much described the junk I've been missing and made it 100 times better!! GREAT JOB
andropax said...
on Dec. 4 2011 at 10:20 pm
andropax, Kingsport, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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Fantastic!

I always go away from Twilight with the sense that nothing has happened. This is obviously why: because they take 1500+ pages to do...this.
_emilia_ SILVER said...
on Dec. 4 2011 at 11:24 am
_emilia_ SILVER, Somers Point, New Jersey
9 articles 3 photos 111 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you&#039;re going through hell, keep going.&quot;

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!! LMAO! This was HI-larious and I fell off my chair laughing!!!
KN142 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 29 2011 at 7:51 pm
KN142 BRONZE, Lugoff, South Carolina
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have go to work and don&#039;t have time for all that s***.&quot; - George Carlin

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I died laughing! 
Writer_Jordan GOLD said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 2:28 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 182 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,<br /> Not all those who wander are lost;<br /> The old that is strong does not wither,<br /> Deep roots are not reached by the frost.<br /> From the ashes a fire shall be woken,<br /> A light from the shadows shall spring;<br /> Renewed shall be blade that was broken,<br /> The crownless again shall be king.

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nice haha i love it well done
RoseOzera BRONZE said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 1:03 pm
RoseOzera BRONZE, Sandy, Utah
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&quot;My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.&quot;<br /> &quot;We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.&quot;<br /> &quot;Silence is sometimes the best answer&quot;<br /> &quot;Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive&quot;<br /> Dalai Lama

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BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Everytime I read this I can't help but die laughing! I'm seriously considering filming this. I'll be sure to let you know when I cast the characters...or if I ever do get around to filming it. :D
byebye said...
on Nov. 24 2011 at 1:09 pm
byebye, Nevermore, Other
0 articles 0 photos 250 comments
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Oh my god this is awesome. I've never seen twilight but all my friends rave about it for hours on end.....now i can join in :) you are soooo funny, this was great!
Tiggerlily14 said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 5:53 pm
ROFL!!!!!  I have never seen Twilight or read the books, but just from what I have heard and previews I have seen, this is AWESOME!!!!  I absolutely love the part where he shoots her, that cracked me up!
LifesIllusion BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 4:19 pm
LifesIllusion BRONZE, Cicero, Indiana
4 articles 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Don&#039;t let your fears slow you down. Instead, chase them down and beat them.&quot;

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In one word... LOL
Jessbug SILVER said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 2:28 pm
Jessbug SILVER, Jersey City, New Jersey
9 articles 22 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.&rdquo;<br /> &mdash;Ernest Hemingway

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Ha! Very amusing.
emoali18 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 1:15 pm
emoali18 BRONZE, Indianapolis, Indiana
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments
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This is sooo funny and clever! Really great job!
Ekf07 GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 12:38 pm
Ekf07 GOLD, Huntersville, North Carolina
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thats hularious!
savetheplanet PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 12:16 pm
savetheplanet PLATINUM, Anaheim, California
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This is most hilarious spoof I've ever seen about Twilight including that ridiculous movie spoof they made.  Great job! :D