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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

letthatbethetruth BRONZE said...
on May. 11 2010 at 7:50 pm
letthatbethetruth BRONZE, Irvington, New Jersey
1 article 1 photo 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;I&rsquo;m on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend.&rdquo; - John Green TFiOS

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Haha! That's great!
TheNerdyOne BRONZE said...
on May. 11 2010 at 5:02 pm
TheNerdyOne BRONZE, Menifee, California
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
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This was spot on truly halarious!
HI :) said...
on May. 11 2010 at 2:23 pm
LOL. I love twilight, but this had me ROTFLMAO
kristina-marie SILVER said...
on May. 11 2010 at 11:39 am
kristina-marie SILVER, Olla, Louisiana
6 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write.&quot; (Loving in Truth) written by: Sir Phillip Stanley 1554-1586

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The lead singer of tokio hotels is a boy named bill klautz.
LiveItUpGodsWay SILVER said...
on May. 11 2010 at 10:32 am
LiveItUpGodsWay SILVER, Tomball, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Fall for someone that wont break your heart. (i made that up)

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Dude thats freaking funny as hell... I showed my friend who is all about twilight and she was lauging her ass off... LOVE IT!!!!!!
dule05 BRONZE said...
on May. 10 2010 at 7:06 am
dule05 BRONZE, Kraljevo, Other
1 article 1 photo 102 comments
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My comment was not rude, I emphasized I didn't agree with the previous reader who said it was the best article ever on Teen Ink. However, it was hilarious and the author deserves praise for that as I said!
HellooMegann BRONZE said...
on May. 9 2010 at 6:56 pm
HellooMegann BRONZE, Phil Campbell, Alabama
1 article 1 photo 1 comment
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LOL.

That was great.

E.Margaret BRONZE said...
on May. 8 2010 at 7:24 pm
E.Margaret BRONZE, Taylor Ridge, Illinois
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you love music, you can make music.-Mike Nesmith

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ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE this it i hilarious!!!! I can hardly stand Twilight, it disgusts me, so I loved this!!!

BlackKittie SILVER said...
on May. 8 2010 at 7:16 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
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cool...yeah just in some of his pictures he looks like a girl but hey whatever...theyre still cool!
Ender PLATINUM said...
on May. 8 2010 at 2:24 pm
Ender PLATINUM, Hagerstown, Maryland
49 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
Perhaps it&#039;s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be<br /> -Orson Scott Card

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their singer is a boy. . . .his name's Bill. . . i think

i luv them too

Cuore GOLD said...
on May. 8 2010 at 11:16 am
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

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Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi<br /> <br /> Everything in this room is eatable, even I&#039;m eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka<br /> <br /> Bright lights often blind those who can&#039;t see. ~

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Edward is SO white. ROFLMAO!!! I just can't get enough of this :)
Cuore GOLD said...
on May. 8 2010 at 11:12 am
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi<br /> <br /> Everything in this room is eatable, even I&#039;m eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka<br /> <br /> Bright lights often blind those who can&#039;t see. ~

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Got that right. I'm both!
BlackKittie SILVER said...
on May. 7 2010 at 9:09 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
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yeah sooo funny....tokio hotel is cool....but is their singer a boy or girl?
sweetiecow BRONZE said...
on May. 6 2010 at 7:50 pm
sweetiecow BRONZE, Ramsey, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 10 comments
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LOL! that's halarious! all twihaters are gonna start cheering in the background! all twifans are gonna laugh too!
WillHug4Money GOLD said...
on May. 6 2010 at 2:38 pm
WillHug4Money GOLD, Florien, Louisiana
18 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is stronger than gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

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Oh ma gosh that was HILARIOUS!!!! i do like twilight but its still awesomely fun to make fun of it and i loved that!!!!! it should totally get published =P
OceansMuse BRONZE said...
on May. 6 2010 at 11:53 am
OceansMuse BRONZE, Mount Juliet, Tennessee
3 articles 4 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Dare to Dream

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Hahahaha :D I actually am a Twifan but this still is just hilarious! I needed a laugh, thanks for givin' it to me :)
princessness_16 SILVER said...
on May. 4 2010 at 11:45 am
princessness_16 SILVER, Dundee, New York
5 articles 0 photos 12 comments
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 just have to say, that i have read this and shown all my friends. it's hilarious! i love it. :)
Mina4Eva GOLD said...
on May. 3 2010 at 1:53 pm
Mina4Eva GOLD, Ransomville, New York
19 articles 6 photos 8 comments

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&quot;The birds wings sprouted from the two halves of the mans broken heart&quot; ~ Enna Burning ~

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omg!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahaah this was awsome you should definetly get this published lol but it just goes to show how fast things get old :)
BlackKittie SILVER said...
on May. 2 2010 at 9:52 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
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oh my god, this is aawsome!!!twilight....hahaha...
singdance7 SILVER said...
on May. 2 2010 at 12:54 pm
singdance7 SILVER, Davenport, Iowa
8 articles 4 photos 31 comments

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I think this should win an award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA LOL!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE this!!!!!!!!!!!!! funniest thing i have ever read!!!! WAAAAAY better than the books!