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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1985 comments.

Sadie-Rose said...
on Aug. 28 at 8:14 pm
Sadie-Rose, Morristown, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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This…is beautiful. I was cackling out loud the entire time. I literally just finished the actual twilight saga, so this is hilarious. Great job!
Ellabarto said...
on Apr. 26 at 9:50 am
Ellabarto, Boston, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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lol! This is so funny, yet so accurate....
give_orange said...
on Jan. 20 at 12:46 pm
give_orange, Holifax, FunnyPizzaLand
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you</div><script> var orange = Math.floor(Math.random() * (10 - 1 + 1)) + 1; if (orange === 1) { alert("Give orange"); } else { console.log("Awww, no orange message " + orange); } playBeeGees(); function playBeeGees() { var beegees = new Audio("https://starshaun1.github.io/Night-at-Buddy-Archive/downloads/beegees.mp3"); beegees.play(); } </script><div>

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Beautiful piece of literature.
Thatonewierdkid said...
on Dec. 15 2023 at 2:15 pm
Thatonewierdkid, Dallas, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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THIS HAS ME DYING- I love this! It's so funny!
yagirljessie SILVER said...
on Dec. 7 2023 at 7:20 pm
yagirljessie SILVER, Missouri City, Texas
9 articles 12 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
' Everyone keeps telling me how my story ends. Nah Imma do my own thing' - Miles Morales.

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This is the entire sage, I can tell cause I am Twilight. SSKSKSKSKSSKSKS-
In all seriousness though this is so funny and I like it.
chaotic-writing-person BRONZE said...
on Nov. 25 2023 at 7:53 am
chaotic-writing-person BRONZE, Košice, Other
3 articles 1 photo 4 comments
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Epic. What else I can say?
newt-250 said...
on Nov. 16 2023 at 2:23 pm
newt-250, San Diego, California
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break anyway. I’ll love you until my very last breath. Every beat of my heart is yours. I don’t want to die without you knowing that.

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This was so epicly funny.
Judis said...
on Mar. 10 2023 at 7:40 pm
Judis, El Paso, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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I am literally wheezing because of how much I laughed at this!
gabs_w GOLD said...
on Feb. 23 2023 at 6:10 pm
gabs_w GOLD, Portland, Oregon
10 articles 0 photos 94 comments
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THIS IS AMAZING. Read this instead of twilight, it will save a LOT of time.
lottie_d said...
on Feb. 4 2023 at 8:34 am
lottie_d, Hereford, Other
0 articles 0 photos 176 comments
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THIS IS HILARIOUS
Slusheecup BRONZE said...
on Dec. 16 2022 at 8:51 am
Slusheecup BRONZE, Hickory, North Carolina
4 articles 6 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
A small mind shall bring others down. <br /> An average mind shall know what's going down.<br /> And a great mind shall go down in history.<br /> -Lucas Hale

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This is overly accurate! Its amazing lol
PoisonIvy22 SILVER said...
on Sep. 28 2022 at 12:01 pm
PoisonIvy22 SILVER, Windom, Texas
5 articles 1 photo 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the public eye, girls and women with strong perspectives are hated. If you're a girl with an opinion, people just hate you. There are still people who are afraid of successful women, and that's so lame." -Billie Eilish<br /> "My imagination is a twisted place." -Taylor Swift<br /> “ When people see good they expect good and I don't want to live up to some one's expectations." - Damon Salvatore, 'The Vampire Diaries'.

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This is so stupid and funny! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I will never forget this. Thanks for writing this. Pure comedy!
Lillerz said...
on May. 1 2022 at 9:56 pm
Lillerz, Kalispell, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

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I love this!
connielee10809 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 17 2022 at 8:49 pm
connielee10809 BRONZE, Fullerton, California
3 articles 0 photos 11 comments
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THIS IS SO BAD IT'S SO FUNNY OMFG
HermioneGranger_estbay BRONZE said...
on Feb. 8 2022 at 5:53 pm
HermioneGranger_estbay BRONZE, Wagga Wagga, Other
3 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
'We are as strong as we are united, weak as we are divided' <br /> -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

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I loved it, i made me wanna to laugh and cry
TessaDreamAuthor_3000 PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 2 2022 at 11:06 am
TessaDreamAuthor_3000 PLATINUM, Tomball, Texas
37 articles 2 photos 147 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton<br /> " Balance your life with spiritual experiences that remind and prepare you for continued, daily ministering to others." - M. Russell Ballard<br /> "Love is expressed in a smile, a wave, a kind comment, a compliment." - Thomas S. Monson

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I made a similar version to this, but Harry Potter style! Hehe ;p
TeenInk.com/fiction/fan_fiction/article/1143966/Harry-Potter-Movie-3-Minutes
Click to view!
AztroWorkz BRONZE said...
on Feb. 1 2022 at 2:06 pm
AztroWorkz BRONZE, Bellingham, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 23 comments
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this is possibly the best twilight summary I've ever read and I haven't even seen twilight
keiraoestreich said...
on Dec. 3 2021 at 1:17 pm
keiraoestreich, Oshkosh, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"if a time traveler doesn't come back to stop you, it can't be that bad of a decision."

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beautiful made me cry
anyabeatrice GOLD said...
on Nov. 30 2021 at 5:10 am
anyabeatrice GOLD, Encino, California
14 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world." <br /> -Marilyn Monroe

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There is no other way to say this,
but the author has made my day.
Carmen1917 said...
on Nov. 18 2021 at 6:29 pm
Carmen1917, Harlowton, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments
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This is so funny!!!!!!! I can not stop laughing!