Jared stole a quick glance at the hour hand on his Bulova.
Nine forty-seven, his conscience grumbled. Surely, there are alternatives for midlife crisis-prone individuals such as he because this was ridiculous. Out of all the ideas he could have mustered up in that accountant brain of his, this had to be one of the worst. He drew a long splash of Absolut.
He wanted to snatch his Diesel from behind and make a run for it like an Alcatraz escapee. But he realized that before he could be caught counting minutes again, he’d have to pop his head up accordingly and meet the eyes of the woman sitting on the edge of her seat. Her hands flung wildly as she spoke while he tried to recall what she was saying.
Smile, Jared.
“I love horses,” she went on, playing with a curly strand of red hair, “They’re so beautiful and majestic. I could ride all day long.”
That has to do wonders for a man’s package.
“Oh yeah?” He offered, “It must be fun….to want to do that all day. I’ve never been on a horse before.”
Her eyes widened.
“No way! Oh my gosh, I have to take you riding with me! You can meet Bronco and Alexander. They’re my stallions.”
“Uh, yeah,” he shifted in his seat, “For sure…”
You named it Alexan-
And the triangle clinked.
A plus-sized man with too corny of a grin used momentum to get onto his feet at the front of the room. He loudly adjusted his plum suit and held the silver triangle in the air.
“Next!” he belted, his voice cracking at the end.
The atmosphere transformed from a state of gently rumbling conversation to complete chaos as the commotion of women bidding their farewells and men frantically scribbling down numbers on tiny square napkins filled the small room to its brim. The redhead before him leaned forward, extending a hand as Jared collected himself once more.
“It was nice meeting you, Jordan,” she said, scooting the chair from beneath her thighs.
“Jared,” he corrected, but she already moved on to the man to his left.
He leaned back and shot a glance at his watch again. Nine fifty-two. He sighed, finishing off the vodka. Running a drooping hand through a couple thin hairs on the side of his head, he looked down the row of people and calculated how many more were left.
After he finished multiplying minutes by singles, realizing that it was a depressing thing to do, the unshaven man sitting on his right him leaned over.
Please don’t talk.
“She had nice t**s, didn’t she?”
S***.
“What?” he shook his head, “Oh. Yes, definitely. They were--”
“Weren’t they?”
“Um, big.”
“Well,” he sneered, “You’re in for a treat.”
“What do you mean?”
Before Jared could finish their chat, he glanced at the person shuffling to the seat before him. He blinked twice. How could he have missed this before?
“Hey,” the man offered his hand.
“Hello,” Jared said slowly, cautiously taking it. If he could’ve helped it, he wouldn’t have given him the full up-down-up stare that everyone hates. But he had to keep looking at the man sitting before him. He wore loose, fitted jeans, a gray sweater resting on his shoulders. His glasses were squared off, dark around the rims but not thick enough to deviate attention from his eyes. His hair framed his forehead, gently tossed to the side as Jared tried to do once, but failed to master.
Is this some kind of joke?
It had to be.
“Wondering if I’m for real?” he slightly arched an eyebrow.
That was weird.
“Something along those lines,” Jared said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but-”
“Why am I here. What am I doing. I should leave,” he recited, leaning forward, maintaining a friendly grin, “The advertisement sa id ‘Singles Speed Dating Night’. Not ‘Singles Who Only Like Vaginas Speed Dating Night’.”
“That would be weird if it did,” he said.
He laughed.
“I’m Tyler,” he said, granting another smile.
“Jared.”
“This place sucks, doesn’t it, Jared” he sighed, “I would’ve hauled a** out of here if it wasn’t for the free liquor.”
“Wait,” he frowned, “It’s free?”
“It is now,” Tyler called over the waitress, “Smirnoff and…”
“I’ll have the same,” Jared finished. After the waitress shuffled off, they sat staring at one another for a couple moments. “Awkward” wouldn’t be the politically correct term. It was more like terrifying and kind of bizarre. But they weren’t uncomfortable enough to ignore one another.
“I’ve never had another guy get my drink before,” he said quietly.
“There’s always time for a first,” Tyler said simply, his arm hung over the back of the chair, “Do you live around here?”
“Up Dearborn,” he paused, “You?”
“Yeah, Rush,” he smiled, but it faded instantly “I hate that.”
“Hate what?”
“You can live within a couple blocks of a person and have no clue who they are.”
“Well, you decided to live here, didn’t you?”
“Well,” he laughed, “Sort of. My ex-wife and I moved here from a city near Long Beach when she got a teaching job. After we divorced, she decided she wanted me out. But I mean, I was already adjusted here and stuff, you know? Plus, I didn’t have the money to move back to California, so I decided to stay.”
“Wife?” Jared asked, puzzled by the idea, “I’m sorry, I just-”
“No,” he laughed again, “Ex.”
“Oh duh,” he corrected himself, “Ex-wife.”
“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone, Jared,” Tyler looked him in the eyes, “It isn’t easy. I tried to convince myself that marrying her would solve all of my problems. But they just magnified them by a million.”
“Well, I know how that goes.”
“Family never approves of wives, do they?”
Jared glanced around the room at everyone talking and drinking. The aroma of coffee stung his nostrils.
“Never,” he shrugged, “But are you happy now?”
“Jared, I’m sitting in a restaurant at a Speed Dating service meant for straight people. If that’s the epitome of happiness, I’m concerned as to what a ‘Bad Day’ is.”
“Horseback riding,” he mumbled.
The waitress appeared seemingly from no where and set the glasses in front of each of them. Tyler smiled politely, handing her cash before he picked up his cup.
“How about a toast?” he offered.
“To ex-wives and their life-ruining potential.”
“To ex-wives and their life-ruining potential, forcing us into a room hosted by a man in a purple suit.”
“To purple suits.”
Before their glasses could touch, the triangle sounded, and the mess began all over again. Everyone grabbed their jackets and purses, leaving their previous dates to meet the next in line. Tyler shot another smile at Jared, his glasses catching a glare of light.
“It was nice meeting you, Jared,” Tyler took his hand.
“It was.”
“Hey, what do you say we go,” he said, his eyes brightening, “get outta this place and talk more?”
“Oh,” his voice quieted, “I don’t know…I don’t think. I’m not sure how I’d…I just-”
“It’s alright,” he smiled, “No need to explain. I know how it is. Goodnight Jared.”
“Goodnight.”
And with that, Tyler grabbed his jacket and humbly made his way to the door on the opposite end of the restaurant. Jared sat back, doing a double-take, then a triple, then a quadruple for good measure. There was no way that happened.
But it had.
Jared started to fold his arms and lean back, unaware of the next woman before him. But he noticed the scruffy man next to him beginning to lean over. His breath touched the skin on Jared’s cheeks. He glared.
“F*****.”
Jared glanced back at him, his head shaking and a frown beginning to form. He carefully turned, looking the man in the eyes. The guy didn’t know anything.
Jared then looked to the woman before him and returned a smile.
“I’m so sorry, Miss,” he said. And with one swift move, Jared clutched his jacket and made way through the concentration of people in the room. He slid a sleeve over his watch and zipped it to his middle, bolting for the door after Tyler.
Nine forty-seven, his conscience grumbled. Surely, there are alternatives for midlife crisis-prone individuals such as he because this was ridiculous. Out of all the ideas he could have mustered up in that accountant brain of his, this had to be one of the worst. He drew a long splash of Absolut.
He wanted to snatch his Diesel from behind and make a run for it like an Alcatraz escapee. But he realized that before he could be caught counting minutes again, he’d have to pop his head up accordingly and meet the eyes of the woman sitting on the edge of her seat. Her hands flung wildly as she spoke while he tried to recall what she was saying.
Smile, Jared.
“I love horses,” she went on, playing with a curly strand of red hair, “They’re so beautiful and majestic. I could ride all day long.”
That has to do wonders for a man’s package.
“Oh yeah?” He offered, “It must be fun….to want to do that all day. I’ve never been on a horse before.”
Her eyes widened.
“No way! Oh my gosh, I have to take you riding with me! You can meet Bronco and Alexander. They’re my stallions.”
“Uh, yeah,” he shifted in his seat, “For sure…”
You named it Alexan-
And the triangle clinked.
A plus-sized man with too corny of a grin used momentum to get onto his feet at the front of the room. He loudly adjusted his plum suit and held the silver triangle in the air.
“Next!” he belted, his voice cracking at the end.
The atmosphere transformed from a state of gently rumbling conversation to complete chaos as the commotion of women bidding their farewells and men frantically scribbling down numbers on tiny square napkins filled the small room to its brim. The redhead before him leaned forward, extending a hand as Jared collected himself once more.
“It was nice meeting you, Jordan,” she said, scooting the chair from beneath her thighs.
“Jared,” he corrected, but she already moved on to the man to his left.
He leaned back and shot a glance at his watch again. Nine fifty-two. He sighed, finishing off the vodka. Running a drooping hand through a couple thin hairs on the side of his head, he looked down the row of people and calculated how many more were left.
After he finished multiplying minutes by singles, realizing that it was a depressing thing to do, the unshaven man sitting on his right him leaned over.
Please don’t talk.
“She had nice t**s, didn’t she?”
S***.
“What?” he shook his head, “Oh. Yes, definitely. They were--”
“Weren’t they?”
“Um, big.”
“Well,” he sneered, “You’re in for a treat.”
“What do you mean?”
Before Jared could finish their chat, he glanced at the person shuffling to the seat before him. He blinked twice. How could he have missed this before?
“Hey,” the man offered his hand.
“Hello,” Jared said slowly, cautiously taking it. If he could’ve helped it, he wouldn’t have given him the full up-down-up stare that everyone hates. But he had to keep looking at the man sitting before him. He wore loose, fitted jeans, a gray sweater resting on his shoulders. His glasses were squared off, dark around the rims but not thick enough to deviate attention from his eyes. His hair framed his forehead, gently tossed to the side as Jared tried to do once, but failed to master.
Is this some kind of joke?
It had to be.
“Wondering if I’m for real?” he slightly arched an eyebrow.
That was weird.
“Something along those lines,” Jared said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but-”
“Why am I here. What am I doing. I should leave,” he recited, leaning forward, maintaining a friendly grin, “The advertisement sa id ‘Singles Speed Dating Night’. Not ‘Singles Who Only Like Vaginas Speed Dating Night’.”
“That would be weird if it did,” he said.
He laughed.
“I’m Tyler,” he said, granting another smile.
“Jared.”
“This place sucks, doesn’t it, Jared” he sighed, “I would’ve hauled a** out of here if it wasn’t for the free liquor.”
“Wait,” he frowned, “It’s free?”
“It is now,” Tyler called over the waitress, “Smirnoff and…”
“I’ll have the same,” Jared finished. After the waitress shuffled off, they sat staring at one another for a couple moments. “Awkward” wouldn’t be the politically correct term. It was more like terrifying and kind of bizarre. But they weren’t uncomfortable enough to ignore one another.
“I’ve never had another guy get my drink before,” he said quietly.
“There’s always time for a first,” Tyler said simply, his arm hung over the back of the chair, “Do you live around here?”
“Up Dearborn,” he paused, “You?”
“Yeah, Rush,” he smiled, but it faded instantly “I hate that.”
“Hate what?”
“You can live within a couple blocks of a person and have no clue who they are.”
“Well, you decided to live here, didn’t you?”
“Well,” he laughed, “Sort of. My ex-wife and I moved here from a city near Long Beach when she got a teaching job. After we divorced, she decided she wanted me out. But I mean, I was already adjusted here and stuff, you know? Plus, I didn’t have the money to move back to California, so I decided to stay.”
“Wife?” Jared asked, puzzled by the idea, “I’m sorry, I just-”
“No,” he laughed again, “Ex.”
“Oh duh,” he corrected himself, “Ex-wife.”
“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone, Jared,” Tyler looked him in the eyes, “It isn’t easy. I tried to convince myself that marrying her would solve all of my problems. But they just magnified them by a million.”
“Well, I know how that goes.”
“Family never approves of wives, do they?”
Jared glanced around the room at everyone talking and drinking. The aroma of coffee stung his nostrils.
“Never,” he shrugged, “But are you happy now?”
“Jared, I’m sitting in a restaurant at a Speed Dating service meant for straight people. If that’s the epitome of happiness, I’m concerned as to what a ‘Bad Day’ is.”
“Horseback riding,” he mumbled.
The waitress appeared seemingly from no where and set the glasses in front of each of them. Tyler smiled politely, handing her cash before he picked up his cup.
“How about a toast?” he offered.
“To ex-wives and their life-ruining potential.”
“To ex-wives and their life-ruining potential, forcing us into a room hosted by a man in a purple suit.”
“To purple suits.”
Before their glasses could touch, the triangle sounded, and the mess began all over again. Everyone grabbed their jackets and purses, leaving their previous dates to meet the next in line. Tyler shot another smile at Jared, his glasses catching a glare of light.
“It was nice meeting you, Jared,” Tyler took his hand.
“It was.”
“Hey, what do you say we go,” he said, his eyes brightening, “get outta this place and talk more?”
“Oh,” his voice quieted, “I don’t know…I don’t think. I’m not sure how I’d…I just-”
“It’s alright,” he smiled, “No need to explain. I know how it is. Goodnight Jared.”
“Goodnight.”
And with that, Tyler grabbed his jacket and humbly made his way to the door on the opposite end of the restaurant. Jared sat back, doing a double-take, then a triple, then a quadruple for good measure. There was no way that happened.
But it had.
Jared started to fold his arms and lean back, unaware of the next woman before him. But he noticed the scruffy man next to him beginning to lean over. His breath touched the skin on Jared’s cheeks. He glared.
“F*****.”
Jared glanced back at him, his head shaking and a frown beginning to form. He carefully turned, looking the man in the eyes. The guy didn’t know anything.
Jared then looked to the woman before him and returned a smile.
“I’m so sorry, Miss,” he said. And with one swift move, Jared clutched his jacket and made way through the concentration of people in the room. He slid a sleeve over his watch and zipped it to his middle, bolting for the door after Tyler.
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