Everything, Nothing And A Few Months Of Life Part Two

He was all I could think of. I'm dying. It hurt too much. I couldn't hear my screams anymore. I started crying again, and he growled.
Shut up, I told myself.

No. I won't. I won't let him have that satisfaction. I screamed again. Louder, and he slapped me...

I opened my eyes from that nightmare to see her sitting beside me again. I was shocked by what I saw. She was actually crying.
"Nikki. Oh, Nikki. Are you okay? What do I do? I’m sorry, Nikki. I’m so sorry..." I couldn't hear her anymore. The pounding inside my head drowned her voice.

I closed my eyes again. I wanted to comfort her. But this time, I couldn't even move my hands. Fighting back was a mistake.

I felt dead. I could taste my blood inside my mouth.
I couldn't feel my legs. I couldn't even turn my head. I hoped I was dying. I could ask nothing more from God. I wanted to die.

The pain stung through me as I felt my body slam hard against the mattress. Too hard. Nails were digging into my shoulders.

Were they throwing me out in a garbage bag? I didn't know.

I slowly opened my eyes to see her shaking me by the shoulder and crying.

"No!! You can't die, Nikki. Wake up, Nikki!!" She was screaming.

I wondered if she had finally lost it. She let go of me, sat down and started sobbing. I looked into her eyes. Other than guilt and fear, I also saw pity.
That made me angry. She pitied me after what she had helped him to do? I wanted to scream at her. But, I was unable to do that.

I started crying too. I realized this was not entirely their fault. It was mine too.

I wanted people to come looking for me. I wanted my mother. But they were never going to come. I had made sure of that. I don't really know why I did such a stupid thing.
I had hidden myself from the rest of the world. I had made myself the perfect victim.

If only I hadn't done that. But wasn't my mother worried about where I was? I hadn't kept in touch with her for so long. I guess she gave up trying.

My heart throbbed as I wondered if I would ever get to see my baby brother. I didn't go to the hospital when she gave birth to him. I was here, with these two, talking about how much I hated that baby. My mother had left me a message that night, telling me all about him. She had named him Adrian Nathan Williams.

Now that I thought about it, I knew I didn't really hate him. I never did. I had always loved babies.
Besides, how could I hate someone I had never met? I didn't.

I wanted to lie in my mother's arms. I wanted to hold my brother. I wanted to hug my sister. I even wanted to see my stepfather. I just wanted to get out of here.

"Nikki? Nikki, please say something." She begged me.
I opened my mouth and forced the words out of my sore throat, "I want to sleep for a while."

She nodded and silenced her sobs. I closed my eyes to think about my life. I wanted to think about all of it before I died. I knew I couldn’t take on another night of torture.

My sister was the first on my mind. I loved her with all my heart. I adored her baby blue eyes and wavy blonde hair. I missed her loud laughter and her bear hugs. How could I live without my sister?
Then I realized I have lived without her. I've been living without her ever since I was sixteen years old. She took all my love for her away with her, the day she had walked out on my mother.

I remember sitting with my mother at the dinner table when the doorbell rang. I went to get it, and when I saw who it was, I hugged her tightly. My sister, Amanda, was back from New York.

We were so happy she was back. I had just finished Junior High, and I needed a big sister to share everything with. After our father had died, it was just the three of us. I was even lonelier when her bosses transferred her to New York. So, I was jumping with joy when I saw her.

The joy didn't last long. She had news for us. She was pregnant.
We were shocked by what we heard.

My sister, Amanda Natalie Daniels, who had never so much as sneaked out at night or cheated on an exam, was telling us that she was pregnant.
She was only twenty-two years old. Mom went into more shock when Mandy said that she might get married.

A few weeks later, she brought her 'boyfriend', who she had convinced to come, to Boston to meet us.

He swept in like he owned the place. He was not well educated, worked as a waiter at some restaurant, and he had a drinking problem. Well, we knew that he was a drinker because he reeked of beer and he drank bottle after bottle at dinner.

Couldn't my sister see these things? He was disgusting. I didn’t even know what to say. I was sure my sister had lost her mind. I kept my mouth shut, trying to figure out what kind of a curse love is. Blinds you and makes you go against everything you believe.

Mom looked like she was going to bust a nerve or something. She didn't approve of him at all.

When he left after dinner, mom started lecturing Mandy about him. Even I took mom's side.
Arguments followed the next couple of weeks.

Within a few months, I lost my sister.

She screamed at mom. She blamed her for our father's death. That shut us up because that was one subject we never ever talked about.

I was scared and upset. She just walked out on us. She went with her unborn child and her stupid boyfriend.

She never came back. She called me a few times a year. But she never spoke to mom again. She told me she had lost the baby. She had never told me where she lived. I knew she was somewhere in New York, but she had moved after she married him. She just vanished. She was gone forever.

Mom was hurt and she cried so much. My sister never so much as turned her head. It was stupid. I remembered making a vow to my heart-broken mother that day. I had told her I would never leave her like that. I had promised her.

I remembered all the promises that didn’t matter anymore. I’m here, suffering in my personal hell, and she is at home waiting for me to come back.

I knew I could never go back. I wanted to, but I couldn't bear it.

I lay awake, but I didn't open my eyes. My head felt like it was going to burst. Nowadays I can't even remember what happens to me. I black out all the time but that doesn't stop him at all.

I remembered why my left shoulder hurt so badly. He threw me into the wall last night.

"Nikki!! Wake up, Nikki. He's on his way home! You've gotta wake up! Nikki!!" She interrupted my thoughts. I looked up into her terrified eyes. My heart beat faster, my breath quickened.

He was coming. He was coming. These three words ran through my mind over and over again.

I looked up into her frantic eyes again. "Kill me. Please, Lana. Kill me." I whispered with difficulty.

She wiped off her tears and straightened herself. I closed my eyes again. She wouldn't kill me, I knew.

"I’m leaving, Nikki. I’m sorry." She said, confirming my thoughts. I opened my eyes to see her turn around and walk out the door.

I lay there staring at the closed door, waiting for him.

He came, he was sober. It didn't make any difference to me anymore.

He gave me a kiss before lying down next to me. Looking into my eyes with those beautiful eyes I had fallen for and apologizing, but never really meaning it. He took my hand, and begged me to speak. He sang me a song. This was a daily routine.

No matter how many times this same thing happened I still loved it. I tried forgetting about what happens every night, and thought only about being with him. I knew that that night was no different. Because he knew that I was weak now.

He had driven me to a point where I was not able to eat anything anymore. Where I couldn't walk or get up without his sister's help.

I was wrong though, about the night not being any different. It was. He sat with me sober. He never left me. Maybe he knew I would die. Or he was going to kill me. I don't know which one I would have chosen, if I had been given a choice.

Somehow, I finally gained enough strength to turn my head around and kiss him. Right before everything went dark, just like I had wanted.