A simple mathematical symbol has never frightened me as much as it is right now. Even through years of Algebra and Statistics classes, it has never made my stomach drop. But now I examine the simple plus sign as it stares back at me, mocking my actions of the past.
It brings my mind back to flawless beaches, irresistible accents, and mixed drinks. Back to when I didn't have a care in the world because the world didn't have a care in me.
But now I hold a plastic white stick in my hand and feel a rush of regret flow over my body like the waves in those dangerous oceans.
I wish I could say that place is perfect, like I was able to say last month.
But that, like many other things, is something I am not confidently able to believe anymore.
I was, in a literal sense, an actress. I could have won an Academy award for how well I was able fool others into thinking I was happy. The smile plastered on my face was always there, but it was never real. I was a fraud, an imposter, anything but myself.
When anyone heard my name, they immediately thought of a girl with a bright face and a bubbly personality. A girl who had a positive attitude and determined eyes. That was what I tricked them into thinking I was. But I was anything but.
No one knew about the depression I was secretly going through, or who I really was behind closed doors. They had no idea of the endless tears I'd cry or the hollow feeling in my stomach after I forced myself to throw up. They never knew that every morning I would wake up with puffy eyes and dried tears on my cheeks, a daily reminder that I had to hide it all.
So I would wash my face and apply pretty makeup, and before I knew it, it was impossible for anyone to know of my break down the night before.
I became a master of pretending to be content with my life, laughing and conversing with those around me, as if everything was going my way.
But of course, nothing was. And it's still not.
"Paige! Are you listening to me or what?"
I turned to my left, suddenly remembering my best friend Lexi was talking to me. She was speeding down the highway on our way home from work, the evening sun shining on our faces. I squinted as I returned to our conversation.
"It sounds like a good idea," I grinned, though I didn't mean it. "Do you think we can both get off work?"
She nodded. "I already talked to Bruce about it."
I eyed her, wondering why she pitched a vacation to our boss without even asking me first. But I shrugged it off and acted as though I was fine with it. Even now, sitting alone in my bathroom, I admit that a vacation is what I needed. And if Lexi was willing to take one with me, I wasn't going to pass it up.
"Let's get some drinks," she suggested, taking an exit and pulling up to a TGI Fridays. "We can book a flight and the hotel on my phone."
We entered the restaurant and ordered margaritas once we sat down at the bar. Lexi whipped out her iPhone and brought up the website for the airport.
"This flight will be long as hell. My back is going to be killing me," she sighed.
Once in a while, Lexi would get a few back pains. I always knew she was exaggerating about how much it hurt because she had been a hypochondriac for years. But still, I would always give her the sympathy that really should have been given to me.
"You can take medication on the plane and when we get there, you can get a massage."
Her face lit up. "Good idea!"
The bartender handed us our margaritas and I generously sipped at mine as Lexi scrolled through her phone. I didn't even bother trying to help with the reservations, knowing that she would make the final decisions anyway. As usual, I went with the flow, in order for everyone to think I was calm and collected.
"Ok," she looked up and grabbed her drink. "So we leave on Sunday. Our flight is at 6 AM. It's 21 hours, but with the time difference we should get to Australia at 4 PM the next day. It's kind of a mind f***, actually. Anyway, we're staying at the Gold Rivera in Sydney. Two weeks of beaches, clubs, and drinks."
I smirked, only slightly amused. As much as I wanted to get away, she'd never know how afraid I was. Afraid that I'd have a panic attack on the plane or at the hotel, afraid that my best friend would discover the real me.
But to her, I was ecstatic. I slapped on my infamous fake smile and clinked my glass with hers. "To Australia we go," I announced.
We're only 23 years old; just old enough to have a full time job, but still young enough to take two weeks away from it. I can't say Bruce was too happy with us both leaving for so long. But he must have realized that having two young girls working for a sports network was sacred, and he feared losing us. So he had sighed and let us go, as long as we promised to come back fully prepared for World Series season.
As I sat next to Lexi in the taxi at the crack of dawn that Sunday, I fiddled with my ipod headphones. She was half asleep, clutching the folder that held our tickets, passports, and hotel information. I remember feeling jealous that she could rest so easily in a moving vehicle, knowing that even on a 21 hour flight, I wouldn't be able to catch an ounce of sleep.
The taxi pulled up to the airport and we got out, dragging our luggage behind us. I followed Lexi through the terminal, silently reprimanding myself for throwing up the night before. I was ashamed of my eating disorder, but no one would have known. Because like I did everyday, I proceeded to beam with excitement when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide from the world.
"We're here."
I nudged Lexi, who groaned and rubbed her eyes, leaning over my lap to glance out the window. After 21 hours of watching crappy movies, eating airplane food, and listening to an old man snore, Australia was finally beneath us.
For the first time in a long time, I had actually felt refreshed. Maybe it was only going to be for two weeks, but at the time, that was all I needed to get away from my life. But now, as I drag myself out of my bathroom and collapse onto my bed, I wish I could tell myself that it didn't matter. It doesn't matter where I am, nothing will ever work out in my favor.
Strolling through the hotel lobby, I spun around in a circle to take it all in. Everything was absolutely gorgeous, all white and gold with seashells hanging on the wall. Even the doorman who helped us with our luggage was cute.
"Paige!" Lexi called to me, holding up a plastic white card. "Here's your room key."
I took it and stuck it in my purse. We traveled to our room on the 15th floor, where our luggage had already been delivered. It wasn't a huge suite; we could barely afford this trip to begin with. But it was big enough for the two of us and had a balcony overlooking the beach. I flew open the sliding glass door and admired the setting sun. Lexi was rummaging through her suitcase, yelling something about going out to dinner. But all I could focus on was the tall guy on the balcony a couple away from mine, who was staring curiously at me.
"We don't have a reservation. But we're willing to sit at the bar."
I mentally rolled my eyes as Lexi spoke to the hostess. We were at a restaurant on the water and I was longing to eat outside, but the wait was over an hour. The bar, however, was seating people immediately. Lexi squealed with delight, grabbing my arm and leading me to the bar. A huge sign hung above, displaying a long list of fruity drinks and beers.
"I just want a Corona and lime," Lexi told the bartender, refusing to even look at her.
I flashed her a reassuring smile to cover up Lexi's rudeness. "Can I have a Sex on the Beach?"
She nodded and smiled back at me. "Great choice."
As soon as she went to make the drinks, I accidentally snapped at Lexi. "You could have at least looked at her when you ordered, Lex. Why do you have to be so f*ing rude?"
She crinkled her eyebrows at me, taken aback by my sudden outburst. I never acted like that in front of people.
"Are you alright, Paige?"
I faked a light hearted laugh and flipped my strawberry blonde hair. "Yeah, I'm just messing around," I lied. "So what should we do tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" she raised her eyebrows. "Girl, we're starting the fun tonight. I already have a club picked out."
Of course she did. Clubs weren't really my thing, but Lexi didn't know that because I had always gone out with her when we were here at home. So naturally, when she brought it up, I pretended to be interested.
"What's it called?"
"Mix 21. My cousin told me about it."
I graciously accepted my drink from the bartender as Lexi grabbed her Corona.
"Thanks," I said to the girl. The side of her lip curled up in a half smile and she stepped over to another customer. But before she was too far away to notice, I caught a glimpse of the scars on her wrists that she was trying to conceal with bracelets. My heart dropped in sympathy for the innocent soul, looking no older than 18 years old.
"Anyway," Lexi said, forcing me to win over her attention again. "We can head back to the hotel after we eat. I'm trying to look really hot, it being our first night and all. Maybe pick up a few guys."
I held the menu in my hands, scanning the huge meals that the restaurant offered. I remember thinking there was no way I would be able to eat all of that and not attempt to throw it up. But even so, I ordered a large seafood dish and regretfully ate the entire thing.
Mix 21 was dark and loud, causing me to feel sick to my stomach. I knew eating that much at dinner was going to be a mistake. Usually if I ate as much as I did, I would immediately demand myself to throw it all up. So I was dying to sprint to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat. I wanted to empty my stomach of all the food and regret. I was just about to ask a bouncer where the girls room was when Lexi came dancing up to me in her tight black skirt.
"C'mon babe!" she screeched over the blasting Katy Perry song the DJ was playing. She grabbed my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor. I felt hands around my waist and turned around to find a guy dancing with me. Lexi had already found a guy of her own, dancing exotically across from us.
She threw up her skinny arms and cheered. I admired her happiness, so real and effortless. Envy crawled through my body, as I was constantly striving to be as happy as her.
Pushing away the hands of the random guy, I apologized to him and dashed away. Holding my head with two hands, I finally found the bathroom. As soon as I was on my knees and grasping the toilet, I lifted a finger to touch the back of my throat. Immediately, everything I had eaten for dinner was coming back up. And I was sitting on the gross bathroom floor, wiping my mouth of all the shame I felt.
I pick up my cell phone and scroll down to Bruce's name in my contacts. Pressing the call button, he picks up on the second ring.
"Bruce," I sigh. "I can't come into work today."
He makes a sound of annoyance on the other end. "Are you sick?"
"I...yes. I've been throwing up."
He groans but doesn't hesitate to respond. I never call out of work, no matter how terrible I feel.
"Alright Paige. Take today off. Might as well take off tomorrow too."
I thank him and hang up, still holding the demeaning plus sign in my hand. I remember throwing up that first night in the club, back when I was doing so because I hated who I was. And even after someone has recently tried to teach me to love myself, I still find myself throwing up.
Just when I thought I was off the hook, Lexi had stormed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She stood five feet away from me, crossing her arms and boring her eyes into mine. I noticed we were the only two in the bathroom; no one was around to witness the wrath she was about to blow on me.
"Paige!" she spat. "What the hell? That guy was hot and you just blew him off. Why are you on the ground anyway?"
I can recall feeling a rush of doubt travel through my body, convincing me that the trip was a bad idea. Why did I think I could handle it? Lexi was bound to catch me in the act of a break down at some point in the two weeks. I couldn't even make it through the first night.
"I...I got sick...from the restaurant I think." The taste of the pathetic lie was staining my lips, coming from the same part of my brain that convinced me to throw up. Lexi nodded, assuming I was telling the truth because I had never given her reason not to in the past.
"If you have food poisoning," she said, suddenly becoming calmer. "We can head back to the hotel for the night."
"No, I'll go by myself. You can stay here."
"Oh please, Paige," she reached down to help me up from the floor. "I won't have fun without you. Let's go back and you can lie down."
I shakily adjusted my skirt and smoothed out my hair. She guided me out of the club and we made our way back to the Gold Rivera.
"Turning in early?" the cute doorman asked, clearly remembering Lexi tell him earlier that we'd be out late. She shrugged, still linking arms with me.
It was the first time I had relied on someone else to take care of me, the first time I had ever even partially revealed who I secretly was.
I'm going to have to tell Lexi everything, because as much as I hate to admit it, she's the only one who will be able to help me.
I return to my bathroom and gaze down into the trash can. There are two other white sticks lying inside. I was hoping the one in my hand would be different, figuring that "third time's a charm."
But it wasn't. Why would it have been?
"You sure you're ok? You seemed pretty sick last night."
I stood in front of the full length mirror, pulling my beach cover up over my purple bikini. Lexi sat on the bed behind me and I made eye contact with her through the mirror.
"Lex," I smiled. "I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Positive."
She raised her eyebrows, but thankfully surrendered. I wasn't used to having her worry about me. I wasn't used to anybody worrying about me, because I had never made it clear that they should have been.
Snatching my beach bag and room key, I allowed Lexi to trail behind me out of the hotel. We walked across the street to the beach and settled down on our towels, soaking up the vicious Australian sun.
When I was least expecting it, I felt something hard hit the side of my face. I sat up quickly, removing my Coach sunglasses to discover a muscular guy standing above me. He reached down to pick up a football and let out a soft laugh.
"Uh..." I stammered.
"Sorry about that," he said in a luring Australian accent. "Didn't mean to hit you, shiela. Did I hurt ya?"
I examined his sparkling blue eyes, so similar to the color of the waves just ten feet away from us. He was still smiling at me when Lexi spoke up.
"She's fine," she said for me, as I had clearly forgotten how to speak. "I'm Lexi."
"I'm Paige," I managed to say.
"I'm Nolan," he grinned. "You from the states?"
"Is it that obvious?" I asked.
He shrugged a broad shoulder. "We can spot em down here."
Lexi glanced behind him at a group of guys staring at us. He followed her eyes and chuckled.
"Those are my mates. Bros, I think the guys from America say."
"Ha!" I laughed for real, surprising myself. Lexi giggled next to me and soon enough, we were rolling around on our towels, trying to control our sudden laughter. It felt amazing to feel that way without faking it; almost surreal.
"Well you two certainly seem like a lovely time," Nolan smirked. "Hey, why don't you come out with us tonight? Where are you staying?"
"The Gold Rivera," I answered.
His eyes brightened. "So are we!"
Lexi tilted her head. "You mean you're not a local?"
"Nah. We're from Alice Springs. Right in the middle of the country. My mates and I wanted to get away."
I nodded, understanding. He threw the football back to one of his friends who jumped to catch it. Turning back around, he eyed me with a bit of certainty.
"You're the girl from the balcony," he confirmed to himself. "Yesterday."
My mind flew back to the day before, when I had locked eyes with the mysterious guy on the balcony near mine. "That was you? Your room must be two away from ours."
"Nolan! Come on!" one of his friends called.
He spun around to yell back at them and then returned to us. "Meet in the lobby tonight at ten. Just warning you, though. My mates and I go hard," he winked.
Lexi and I exchanged glances, biting our lips to keep from another laughing fit. "We'll see about that," she joked.
I remember, to my own amazement, being excited that night. It had been a long time since I had truthfully been thrilled to do anything.
But that didn't mean I wasn't taking secret precautions. Convincing Lexi I wasn't hungry, I managed to skip dinner while she ordered room service. With an empty stomach, it would be impossible for me to try to throw up. And as long as no one left me alone, I was safe from the waterfalls of tears I usually cried.
"You ready?" Lexi asked, sporting a little red clubbing dress and heels.
I emerged from the bathroom, wearing a black dress just as tiny as hers. "Ready."
We took the elevator down, fashionably late by about ten minutes. As we entered the lobby, Nolan and his group of friends caught our attention.
"Damn," one of them smirked while scanning us up and down. "You did good this time, Nolan."
Nolan rolled his eyes and ignored him. "You shielas ready?"
Lexi sneered. "Are you ready?"
Crossing his arms, Nolan winked at me and smirked. "You have no idea."
No one would have guessed, but I hated being touched by guys. It frightened me when I felt their hands come anywhere near my body. My past would tell you it was because of an abusive relationship that occurred behind closed doors. But I would never tell anyone that.
I could deal with the dancing. Lexi had brought me to enough clubs here at home to eventually feel comfortable with a guy's arms around my waist. But if they touched me anywhere else, I would make up some excuse to get away, usually by getting a drink.
And that night, when Nolan brought us to a club that was ten times crazier than any I've seen in America, I swear I was going to lose it.
"Oh my..god...oh my god..oh..."
I breathed heavily, gasping for air. In the alley behind the club, I rested my palms flat against the concrete wall, attempting to calm myself.
One of Nolan's friends, whose name I could barely remember, had started dancing with me. We had been there less than twenty minutes when I felt his hands grab my waist. I was doing fine, much to my satisfaction. But soon enough, his hands were moving all over my body, below my waist and up my stomach. I froze on the dance floor. An erosion of sickness formed in my stomach, reminding me why I was the way I was.
I pushed him off of me and fled out of the club, forgetting how to breath. By the time I had reached the back alley, my face was soaked in tears and I was having a full blown panic attack.
Every memory was coming back to me. I remembered being slapped across the face, held down on a bed, threatened into doing things I didn't want to do. I remembered his cigarette breathe, his bruising hands, his final words.
You’re worth nothing.
The clock on my kitchen counter reads 9 AM. I have already thrown up three times this morning, one for every stupid little white stick I used.
I contemplate calling Lexi, knowing she's going to freak out once she realizes I'm not at work with her.
It kills me knowing I need help. What kills me even more is knowing I always have.
"Hey are you alright love?"
Leaning my back against the wall, I was clutching my stomach with both hands, looking like a complete mess. My head was throbbing and every beautiful star in the night sky was blurring into one. A familiar voice was getting closer to me. Glancing up, I recognized it as Nolan.
"Paige?"
I pressed my lips together, quickly wiping my cheeks of the tears and mascara streaks. He approached me gingerly, a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong? I saw you dancing with Ben and it looked like you were having a good time. But then you ran out. I followed you out here. Why were you crying like that?"
I nodded, fully ashamed and embarrassed that someone had finally caught me in the act. It was impossible to deny it at that point. He had seen one of my infamous break downs and there was no erasing that.
But that didn't mean I couldn't get out of it. I was the queen of lying, wasn't I?
"I have asthma," I spat out. "I...um...forgot to use my inhaler before I left."
He narrowed his eyes at me, somehow still sparkling even with a serious face on. I could sense he didn't believe me, which felt odd, considering I was the master of fooling others.
"Are you sure?" he questioned.
I rapidly nodded my head. He sighed, backing off from the situation. I knew he still didn't believe me, but it seemed like he didn't want to make it worse.
So instead, he motioned for me to follow him out of the alley. I obeyed and walked behind him, inhaling the classy cologne that lingered on his clothes.
Turning to head back into the club, Nolan grabbed my wrist and I froze for the second time that night. He must have seen my eyes flash because he quickly released his grip.
"We're not going back in," he said affirmatively.
"Why not?"
"Let's just take a walk. We're already out here. Might as well take advantage of the air, right?"
"But Lexi is in there..."
He scoffed. "I think she'll be fine. Five of my best mates are with her."
We walked down a couple streets in silence before ending up at the beach. It was so much more serene at night, lacking the screaming and running of tourists and locals. The waves gently rolled up and down, crashing just below where Nolan and I were walking.
"What state are you from?" he finally spoke.
"Lexi and I live in New York City. That's where we went to college. But I grew up in Vermont."
He laughed. "So you're a city girl now."
"For the past five years. But I'll always be a small town girl."
"What about Lexi?"
"Oh, she's from Brooklyn. Been a city girl her whole life. Can't ya tell?"
He laughed again and I bit my lip to hide my smile. It felt amazing to make someone laugh, to know they're listening intently.
"What made you come down under?"
His accent was probably the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. It was deep and foreign to me, but I loved it.
"Lexi thought we needed a vacation. I agreed."
"Vacation from what exactly?"
I bit my lip. "Well for Lex, this is a vacation from work. But I absolutely love our job."
Lexi had no idea how much I loved showing up for work each day. By distracting myself with all I needed to do, I was able to take my mind off throwing up any food I ate or the tears I would eventually cry.
"What do you do for work?"
"We work at a sports network, interviewing athletes at various games and tournaments. I love it."
"So if this isn't a vacation from work for you, what IS it a vacation from?" he genuinely asked.
I kicked up a bit of water with my foot, mainly out of amusement but a bit out of frustration. Nolan stopped in his tracks and turned to me as I realized I still had to answer his question. He waited patiently, raising his eyebrows at me.
"It was supposed to be vacation from myself."
Lexi groaned and threw the remote at the TV, mumbling something about foreign channels. I came out of the bathroom, drying my hair with a towel. Just as I was about to ask why she whipped the remote at the morning news, a smirk creeped up on her face when she saw me.
"Well, nice to finally see you," she said.
I sat on the bed opposite her. "Thanks?"
"Where'd you run off to last night? I called your cell phone a million times. I'm lucky I finally found you safe and asleep in here. And then I wake up and you're taking a shower. Are we even on the same schedule anymore?"
I reached for the remote that had landed on the ground and switched the news to some weird soap opera. "I was with Nolan."
Suddenly Lexi was standing in front of me with her arms crossed, blocking my view of the TV I was pretending to pay attention to. "All night?"
"Clearly not, Lex. I was back in the hotel before YOU were. I was asleep when you came in."
"What did you guys do?"
In truth, all Nolan I did was talk. It was nothing deep, just a basic exchange of our daily lives. He learned more about my days in college and my job in New York. And he told me about living with his older brother and starting a career in marketing. It was refreshing to have a conversation that wasn't about the hottest player in the NFL, a typical debate between Lexi and I. At midnight, Nolan had walked me back to the Gold Rivera and insisted we hang out more while I was there. I had stood at the front door, watching him make his way back to the club to meet up with his friends again.
"He just walked me back to the hotel."
I didn't mention that, as Nolan was strolling away that night, he had spun around to wink and wave at me. And I had laughed through my nose, abruptly much more happy.
"I hooked up with one of his friends," Lexi grinned proudly. "Such a good f*ing kisser. I was into it."
I mentally rolled my eyes at her but gave her a look of approval. She shrugged, pulling out her makeup bag.
"But I'm not going to just focus on him. There are so many potential hookups in Sydney."
I remember losing respect for Lexi when she said that. We're 23 years old, and she was acting like we were still college freshmen. I wanted to tell her to act her age.
But then it dawned on me that, if she had known of my disorder, she could have told me the exact same thing.
"You're late today."
I accept my caramel latte from the Starbucks barista and my heart speeds up. Late.
"What?" I snap.
The teenage boy jumps. "Um, I was just saying you're usually here two hours earlier."
I exhale, realizing I misinterpreted what he said. "Sorry. I'm actually not going in to work today. That's why I'm here so late."
He nods. "Well, have a good day."
I thank him and take a seat, still clutching my steaming coffee. My cell phone is in my other hand, beginning to vibrate as Lexi's picture appears on the screen. I press the green the accept button.
"Hi."
"Paige, are you okay? Bruce said you called out sick. You never get sick," Lexi accuses.
"I'm not technically sick," I say simply. I don't know how to explain that I was throwing up from what I can only imagine was morning sickness.
"Then...why aren't you here? Where are you? Paige, the first game of the World Series starts today and you just decide to take a day off of work? What's gotten into you? I've noticed you've been acting differently since we got back two weeks ago."
I take a long, deep breath and admire the two women sitting at the table next to mine. They don't seem any older than I am, but they sure as hell are happier. I long to be like them, to live everyday in pleasure and joyfulness, to finally love my true self and accept who I am.
"Alexis," I say, using my best friend's full name.
"What is it?" she asks, catching on to my seriousness.
"I need your help."
"With what?"
I close my eyes. "With everything."
I hoisted the ice bucket on my hip and padded down the hotel hallway in just my socks. Lexi and I had taken it easy the past couple days, lounging at the beach and trying different fruity drinks. I can't say I hadn't thrown up, though. No matter how much real fun I was having, something in my mind was always telling me I wasn't good enough.
"Ello."
I jumped at the sound of a deep voice behind me. Nolan revealed himself, also holding an ice bucket.
"You scared me," I said, slapping my hand on my pounding heart.
He beat me to the ice machine, placing his bucket inside and pressing the button. "Sorry love."
I leaned against the machine. "So what have you guys been doing?"
"The beach. But the mates have been going clubbing every night as well."
"And you haven't?" I asked as he stepped away from the machine and I took his place.
He met eyes with me. "Haven't been since the night I walked you back."
I finished with my ice and put the top back on the bucket. "Why not?"
He turned away and began walking down the hallway. I caught up to him, having to go twice as fast to keep up with his quick pace. He began talking, but completely ignored my question.
"Do you want to come out with me tonight? Not to a club, maybe for a drink?"
I examined his cocked eyebrow and the way he discreetly smirked down at me. He was mysterious looking, so different than any guy here at home.
"Like...just the two of us?"
"Yeah. That a problem?"
"No!" I rushed to say. "Not at all. I'd love to."
"Great," he sneered, arriving in front of his door. "So around 8? Meet in-"
"The lobby," I finished confidently. With a wink in my direction, he disappeared into his room.
"Is it like...a date?"
I dug through my suitcase, throwing around different dresses and skirts but failing to find one I actually wanted to wear. Lexi sat cross-legged on her bed, brushing her layered brown hair. I expected her to be upset that I was going out without her, but she had brushed it off, rambling something about having to go souvenir shopping for her sister anyway.
"I mean, he didn't say it was," I answered. "God, what should I wear?"
She hopped off the bed and retrieved something from her suitcase, a short gold dress with a one shoulder strap.
"Here," she said, handing it to me. "It'll look good on you with your new tan."
"But Lex, it's brand new. You haven't even worn it yet."
She shrugged. "Who cares? Wear it."
I escaped into the bathroom and slipped it on. The sheer material fell over my skin and I walked out to show Lexi.
"Damn," she laughed. "You look hot."
I thanked her and grabbed my purse, naturally having trouble believing it when someone said I looked good. In my eyes, I could always be better.
Lexi stares at me, her lips slowly parting. Her eyes move up and down my body like she is seeing me for the first time. In a sense, she really is.
"I had no idea," she shakes her head. "Paige, I didn't know."
I nod. "No one did, Lex. Trust me, I made sure of it."
"But," she hiccups. "I'm your best friend. I should have sensed something. What kind of friend does that make me?"
I watch her choke back tears and it's like looking through a mirror of my past; holding back emotions for the sake of others. "Lexi, there was no way for you to have known. What matters is that you know now. And I'm desperate for help. I've always been. But I'm reaching out for the first time."
She reached for my hand across the Starbucks table. "I'm going to help you. I refuse to watch you suffer any more than you have. It'll all work out, Paige. I promise."
I attempt to smile at her, but it's hard. I have never put my trust in someone else's hands. And I don't know how to believe that everything will be okay.
"They have a killer margarita here."
I raised my eyebrows at Nolan, amused that he pronounced it "kee-lah". He didn't notice my facial expression as he ordered our drinks at the bar and flashed a bright smile at me.
"So," he said. "Tell me more."
"About what?"
"About you."
We received our drinks from the bartender and I was mesmerized by the tangy flavor. I averted my eyes back to Nolan. He hadn't seemed to break his gaze on me.
"I already told you," I grinned. "I'm 23, I work in New York, and I'm from Vermont."
He shook his head and laughed, attracting the attention of a couple of girls a few seats away.
"No, Paige. That's WHAT you are. I want to know WHO you are."
There was a tiny glint in his eye, full of curiosity. He was interested and it had been a long time since anyone truthfully wanted to know about me. It had been an even longer time since I was willing to open up.
"Well c'mon," he touched my hand. "Don't be shy."
"I'm not shy," I responded. That was half true. In high school and college, I was always outgoing and adventurous, exactly like Lexi. But in the past couple years I had become more reserved. I hated the thought of anyone discovering what I'd become, so I had settled down.
He tilted his head at me. "I bet you read."
I coughed, practically choking on my margarita. "Excuse me?"
"You just seem like someone who reads a lot."
"I...yeah. I love to read."
"What do you read the most?"
I pursed my lips. "Nicholas Sparks."
"Ah," he nodded. "Romance novels. Are you a hopeless romantic?"
"Well I'm hopeless, that's for sure," I shrugged, surprising myself by revealing even that much.
"I'm sure that's not true," Nolan stared into my eyes, leaning in closer.
"It is though," I averted my gaze away from him. My heart was speeding up, confused as to why I was openly admitting so much.
"Paige," he touched my chin, gently turning my head to face him. "Do you really have asthma?"
I swallowed. "No, I don't."
"Then what was that? Behind the club the other night?"
I pushed away my margarita and placed my hands in my lap, keeping my concentration on Nolan. “That was who I am.”
The sky was practically black in front of us as Nolan and I sat on the soft sand of the beach. Young teenagers ran around at the edge of the water, so carefree and jubilant. The girls screeched as the boys playfully picked them up and spun them around.
"See that?" I pointed to them. "That's what I used to be."
"What?" he asked quizzically. "A teenager? We all were."
"No, not just that," I sighed. "Happy."
He reached over and brushed a piece of blonde hair behind my ear, keeping those blue eyes on mine. I shivered, both delighted and amazed that I could handle him touching me.
"Who made you this way?" he whispered.
Tears stung my eyes and I tilted my head back, trying to force them back in before they fell. I was ashamed; I had done such an excellent job keeping these tears hidden and now they were escaping.
"What makes you think someone made me like this?"
"Because," he cradled my face in his hand. "Girls like you aren't born that way."
I started shaking, right there on the dark beach. I was breaking all my rules and tearing down the huge wall I'd created. He leaned over to hug me and for the first time in years, I was able to hug back.
In his embrace, I muffled the words I'd been too afraid to speak out loud until then. "I hate myself."
He pulled away with a sympathetic expression on his face. "Don't say that. You have no reason to hate yourself."
"He had reasons."
"Who?"
"The guy I dated," I sniffed.
"Paige," he said softly. "What did he do?"
And I let it all out. "He used to beat me. He hit me, swore at me, spit at me. A couple times he burned me with his cigarettes. He told me I was fat and worthless. I was in my last year of college and he was making it miserable. I felt helpless and weak. I started making myself throw up and crying myself to sleep at night. Even after he broke up with me and fell out of my life, I kept doing it. I still throw up and I still cry at night. But no one would ever know, because I hide it all. I've been hiding it for two years now. And I’m so afraid of the world."
He kept shaking his head, almost in a disturbed way. "It disgusts me that a sweet girl like yourself was treated that way."
I was sobbing, harder than I ever had before. "I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's just so hard."
He wrapped his strong arms around me again, rocking my fragile body back and forth. As ashamed as I was, it felt fantastic to finally pour it all out.
"I'm going to fix you, Paige. I'm going to get you back to the old you. I promise."
I buried my face in his chest, actually believing him. "You're the first guy I've let touch me like this since him."
"Well I’m very lucky," he whispered. "You're a great girl, Paige. Even if you don't know it."
“Now keep steady!” Nolan screams. “Keep your arms out straight!”
He is about ten feet away from me, lying on his stomach on his blue surf board. A wave was approaching us and he insisted that I try to surf it, ignoring the fact that I’d completely tumbled over in the last five.
As I feared the crash that was bound to happen, I grasped the sides of my rental surfboard. The wave crept closer, testing my insecurity. “Nolan,” I called out to him.
“What?” he responded. “Scared?”
I nodded. He shrugged, barely glancing in my direction. “Well,” he said, preparing his body for the oncoming wave. “Scared is a word in the past tense, you know.”
Like he taught me, I positioned my body on the surf board and counted the seconds in my head before hoisting myself up.
3…2…1…
I pushed my body up to my feet and as panic struck in my heart, I managed to maintain my balance and ride through the wave. Nolan looked back at me as he did the same, cheering and yelling my name. I felt fearless.
The wave crashed and I collapsed into his arms, laughing and trying to regain a steady heartbeat at the same time.
“I told you, Paige,” Nolan said.
“That was the best!” I screeched. “I want to do it again!”
“Why?” he chuckled.
“Because,” I retrieved my surfboard and winked at him. “I’m not scared anymore.”
Lexi guides me into my apartment and sits me down at the kitchen table. She takes a seat across from me and instructs me to take out my cell phone.
"You need to call him."
"Lex, I can't. I can't do it."
She crosses her arms. "Why not?"
"Because..." I stutter.
"See?" she says. "You have no reason not to. This is the first step, Paige. The first step to getting strong again."
"Lexi," I shook my head, placing down my cell phone. "Weren't you listening? He fixed me once, but I don't think he can fix this."
"You're so beautiful."
Caught in the bed sheets, I poked my head up for air. The hotel room was empty aside from Nolan and I; his friends had gone out for dinner. To my pleasure, Lexi was downstairs getting a back massage at the spa.
Nolan wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt a chill run through my body. But it felt wonderful; a sensation that I hadn't experience in a long time. Being with him made me feel safe and worthy, like the old Paige before she was destroyed.
I giggled, touching my nose to his. "Back at ya."
He kissed me like he'd been doing all week, soft and playful. I pressed my bare body up to his and enjoyed the warmth shared between us. Lexi and I were leaving in two days. I was dreading the trip back and it wasn't just because I had to spend 21 hours on a plane. It was because I knew I'd have to leave Nolan, my new safety net.
"I don't want to go home on Saturday," I said sadly.
"Then don't," he muttered.
I looked up at him. "What?"
"Stay here," he insisted. "Become an Aussie like me and we'll live together."
I pulled away a little, which by his facial expression, scared him. "Nolan, I live in America. I have a job there. I can't give it all up for-"
"Me?"
His eyes were darker than usual as they laid on mine, hopeful and driven. "Oh, babe," I hugged him tight. "I wish it was possible. If I could, I'd stay like this forever. You saved me, Nolan. You really saved me. And I'm so thankful for that."
He nodded, both disappointed and understanding. But still, he winked at me. "I'm glad I hit you with that football, shiela."
I laughed. "I've never been so grateful to be hit in the face."
And like he had all week, Nolan held me firmly, squeezing out all my pain and pushing in all the joy he could.
As Lexi returned our room keys to the Gold Rivera receptionist, I tapped my fingers on my suitcase to the rhythm on the lobby music. It had been at least ten days since those very fingers had touched the back of my throat and for the first time in two years, I was actually proud of myself.
Lexi returned, rolling her suitcase behind her and holding our plane tickets. "There's a taxi out front to take us to the airport."
"Okay," I said.
In front of us, the elevator door flew open and Nolan was standing inside. He ran out and grabbed my face with his hands, kissing my deeply.
"Stay safe," he winked. "And don't forget to remember me."
Lexi smirked next to us. "Nolan," she snickered. "I don't think she could if she tried."
I threw myself on my bed, sprawling my whole body across it. It was nice to be in my apartment again, away from Lexi's snoring and having to dodge maids in the hallway.
The jet lag was hitting me hard and I was just about to pass out when my cell phone buzzed. A text from Bruce popped up, reminding me that I was covering a Jets game the next day. I quickly texted back and returned to the home screen where there was a picture of Nolan and I on the beach. It was the only photo of us from the whole trip. Lexi had taken it without us knowing. He was lying on his side, holding a red popsicle up to me. I was beaming from ear to ear, lunging over to take it. You could see how oblivious I was to everything around me; Lexi taking the picture, the seagull eating my sandwich a few feet away, my whole world shifting because of one special person.
I grinned and turned my phone off, crawling into bed. It had been a long time since my pillow wasn't greeted by my tears.
"Hi Nolan. I know this long distance call is going to cost us a huge fee, but I really have to tell you something. It's urgent."
Lexi rubs my shoulder as I press the end button, finishing the voicemail I left. I wish he would pick up and I could dump this terrible news on him, just to get it over with. Lexi takes my cell phone and puts it in her back pocket, away from my sight so I can't see the home screen picture.
But it doesn't matter. I've studied that picture long enough to know its every aspect and angle.
"Lex," I bite my lip. "What if I never talk to him ever again?"
She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it. I twist the silver ring on my thumb and feel a headache coming on. Like I've learned in the past, the only thing that follows my headaches is a waterfall of disgraceful tears.
"Hello?" I answer my phone, though I don't know the number who's calling.
"Hi. Paige, right?"
"Yeah," I say to the unrecognizable deep voice.
"This is Christopher. Nolan's older brother."
"Oh," I say. "Hello."
There's slight silence, like he's choosing his words wisely. "I have some bad news."
My heart pounds. "What is it?"
"You've been calling Nolan's cell phone the last couple of days, right?"
"Yeah," I sigh. "I actually have some news for him, too."
There is another silence. "You won't be able to give him the news," Christopher states.
"Why?"
"A few days ago Nolan was in a surfing accident. The waves were huge and they took him under. He drowned, love."
My muscles tighten up as the air in my kitchen grows heavier. Christopher keeps repeating my name, begging me to respond.
"I have his phone now. And when I saw that you kept calling, I figured I'd let you know. His friends said you were all he could talk about in Sydney."
Like an old friend, familiar tears return to my life and start streaming down my face. Christopher asks me what the important news I have is.
"It's nothing now," I cough.
"Are you sure?"
I close my eyes, debating whether to tell him or not. "Yes," I finally answer. "I'm sure."
He sighs heavily. "I know he only knew you for a couple weeks. And I know you wish you could hear this from him. But I really think he loved you sweetie."
I try my hardest to steady my breathing. "Thank you," I whisper. "And I'm so sorry."
"We all are, love. All we can do now is remember him."
"Right, exactly."
"Good luck," Christopher says gently. "With everything you choose to do in life."
I thank him once again and hang up. I drop my cell phone to the ground, watching it shatter to a thousand pieces like my aching heart. In my pounding head, I can hear the sound of large waves crashing at the beach, so powerful they can scoop up an angel.
18 YEARS LATER
My son hauls the last box into my SUV and slams the trunk shut. He spins around with a large smile on his flawless face.
"I'm ready," he practically shouts.
But I'm not. I'm not ready to let my only child leave and enter the real world. I'm nervous he will have to deal with things as hard as I did. Deep down though, I know I raised a strong boy and he is more than ready for this next step.
Lexi stands behind me with her five year old daughter who runs up to my son. He catches her and picks her up.
"Are you gonna miss me, Katy?" He tickles her.
"I'm gonna miss you so much Jake," she hugs him.
Jake laughs and sets her down. Lexi walks up to him and gives him a hug as well.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she warns.
"That's pretty much nothing, Aunt Lexi," he sneers.
She shrugs and wishes him luck. He motions for me to get in the car. Lexi and Katy wave goodbye to us. As we start the two hour drive to his school, I hold back tears.
But these are happy tears. Eighteen years ago, I never thought I'd be so content with my life. I was worn out, weak, and helpless. But then came Nolan, the father I've often told Jake about over the years. He fixed me, because that's all he promised he would do. He taught me how to love and trust again. And even though he died, I was able to raise the most perfect boy in the world all on my own.
As I merge onto the highway and glance over at Jake humming along to the radio, I surprisingly thank the Lord for Nolan's death. He saved me and then he left. Instead of relying on his presence to guide me through the rest of my journey, he taught me how to do it myself, like I had been doing before I was twenty. For that, I am forever thankful.
I look at Jake, and as he starts singing along to a song I don't even know, he winks at me.
It brings my mind back to flawless beaches, irresistible accents, and mixed drinks. Back to when I didn't have a care in the world because the world didn't have a care in me.
But now I hold a plastic white stick in my hand and feel a rush of regret flow over my body like the waves in those dangerous oceans.
I wish I could say that place is perfect, like I was able to say last month.
But that, like many other things, is something I am not confidently able to believe anymore.
I was, in a literal sense, an actress. I could have won an Academy award for how well I was able fool others into thinking I was happy. The smile plastered on my face was always there, but it was never real. I was a fraud, an imposter, anything but myself.
When anyone heard my name, they immediately thought of a girl with a bright face and a bubbly personality. A girl who had a positive attitude and determined eyes. That was what I tricked them into thinking I was. But I was anything but.
No one knew about the depression I was secretly going through, or who I really was behind closed doors. They had no idea of the endless tears I'd cry or the hollow feeling in my stomach after I forced myself to throw up. They never knew that every morning I would wake up with puffy eyes and dried tears on my cheeks, a daily reminder that I had to hide it all.
So I would wash my face and apply pretty makeup, and before I knew it, it was impossible for anyone to know of my break down the night before.
I became a master of pretending to be content with my life, laughing and conversing with those around me, as if everything was going my way.
But of course, nothing was. And it's still not.
"Paige! Are you listening to me or what?"
I turned to my left, suddenly remembering my best friend Lexi was talking to me. She was speeding down the highway on our way home from work, the evening sun shining on our faces. I squinted as I returned to our conversation.
"It sounds like a good idea," I grinned, though I didn't mean it. "Do you think we can both get off work?"
She nodded. "I already talked to Bruce about it."
I eyed her, wondering why she pitched a vacation to our boss without even asking me first. But I shrugged it off and acted as though I was fine with it. Even now, sitting alone in my bathroom, I admit that a vacation is what I needed. And if Lexi was willing to take one with me, I wasn't going to pass it up.
"Let's get some drinks," she suggested, taking an exit and pulling up to a TGI Fridays. "We can book a flight and the hotel on my phone."
We entered the restaurant and ordered margaritas once we sat down at the bar. Lexi whipped out her iPhone and brought up the website for the airport.
"This flight will be long as hell. My back is going to be killing me," she sighed.
Once in a while, Lexi would get a few back pains. I always knew she was exaggerating about how much it hurt because she had been a hypochondriac for years. But still, I would always give her the sympathy that really should have been given to me.
"You can take medication on the plane and when we get there, you can get a massage."
Her face lit up. "Good idea!"
The bartender handed us our margaritas and I generously sipped at mine as Lexi scrolled through her phone. I didn't even bother trying to help with the reservations, knowing that she would make the final decisions anyway. As usual, I went with the flow, in order for everyone to think I was calm and collected.
"Ok," she looked up and grabbed her drink. "So we leave on Sunday. Our flight is at 6 AM. It's 21 hours, but with the time difference we should get to Australia at 4 PM the next day. It's kind of a mind f***, actually. Anyway, we're staying at the Gold Rivera in Sydney. Two weeks of beaches, clubs, and drinks."
I smirked, only slightly amused. As much as I wanted to get away, she'd never know how afraid I was. Afraid that I'd have a panic attack on the plane or at the hotel, afraid that my best friend would discover the real me.
But to her, I was ecstatic. I slapped on my infamous fake smile and clinked my glass with hers. "To Australia we go," I announced.
We're only 23 years old; just old enough to have a full time job, but still young enough to take two weeks away from it. I can't say Bruce was too happy with us both leaving for so long. But he must have realized that having two young girls working for a sports network was sacred, and he feared losing us. So he had sighed and let us go, as long as we promised to come back fully prepared for World Series season.
As I sat next to Lexi in the taxi at the crack of dawn that Sunday, I fiddled with my ipod headphones. She was half asleep, clutching the folder that held our tickets, passports, and hotel information. I remember feeling jealous that she could rest so easily in a moving vehicle, knowing that even on a 21 hour flight, I wouldn't be able to catch an ounce of sleep.
The taxi pulled up to the airport and we got out, dragging our luggage behind us. I followed Lexi through the terminal, silently reprimanding myself for throwing up the night before. I was ashamed of my eating disorder, but no one would have known. Because like I did everyday, I proceeded to beam with excitement when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide from the world.
"We're here."
I nudged Lexi, who groaned and rubbed her eyes, leaning over my lap to glance out the window. After 21 hours of watching crappy movies, eating airplane food, and listening to an old man snore, Australia was finally beneath us.
For the first time in a long time, I had actually felt refreshed. Maybe it was only going to be for two weeks, but at the time, that was all I needed to get away from my life. But now, as I drag myself out of my bathroom and collapse onto my bed, I wish I could tell myself that it didn't matter. It doesn't matter where I am, nothing will ever work out in my favor.
Strolling through the hotel lobby, I spun around in a circle to take it all in. Everything was absolutely gorgeous, all white and gold with seashells hanging on the wall. Even the doorman who helped us with our luggage was cute.
"Paige!" Lexi called to me, holding up a plastic white card. "Here's your room key."
I took it and stuck it in my purse. We traveled to our room on the 15th floor, where our luggage had already been delivered. It wasn't a huge suite; we could barely afford this trip to begin with. But it was big enough for the two of us and had a balcony overlooking the beach. I flew open the sliding glass door and admired the setting sun. Lexi was rummaging through her suitcase, yelling something about going out to dinner. But all I could focus on was the tall guy on the balcony a couple away from mine, who was staring curiously at me.
"We don't have a reservation. But we're willing to sit at the bar."
I mentally rolled my eyes as Lexi spoke to the hostess. We were at a restaurant on the water and I was longing to eat outside, but the wait was over an hour. The bar, however, was seating people immediately. Lexi squealed with delight, grabbing my arm and leading me to the bar. A huge sign hung above, displaying a long list of fruity drinks and beers.
"I just want a Corona and lime," Lexi told the bartender, refusing to even look at her.
I flashed her a reassuring smile to cover up Lexi's rudeness. "Can I have a Sex on the Beach?"
She nodded and smiled back at me. "Great choice."
As soon as she went to make the drinks, I accidentally snapped at Lexi. "You could have at least looked at her when you ordered, Lex. Why do you have to be so f*ing rude?"
She crinkled her eyebrows at me, taken aback by my sudden outburst. I never acted like that in front of people.
"Are you alright, Paige?"
I faked a light hearted laugh and flipped my strawberry blonde hair. "Yeah, I'm just messing around," I lied. "So what should we do tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" she raised her eyebrows. "Girl, we're starting the fun tonight. I already have a club picked out."
Of course she did. Clubs weren't really my thing, but Lexi didn't know that because I had always gone out with her when we were here at home. So naturally, when she brought it up, I pretended to be interested.
"What's it called?"
"Mix 21. My cousin told me about it."
I graciously accepted my drink from the bartender as Lexi grabbed her Corona.
"Thanks," I said to the girl. The side of her lip curled up in a half smile and she stepped over to another customer. But before she was too far away to notice, I caught a glimpse of the scars on her wrists that she was trying to conceal with bracelets. My heart dropped in sympathy for the innocent soul, looking no older than 18 years old.
"Anyway," Lexi said, forcing me to win over her attention again. "We can head back to the hotel after we eat. I'm trying to look really hot, it being our first night and all. Maybe pick up a few guys."
I held the menu in my hands, scanning the huge meals that the restaurant offered. I remember thinking there was no way I would be able to eat all of that and not attempt to throw it up. But even so, I ordered a large seafood dish and regretfully ate the entire thing.
Mix 21 was dark and loud, causing me to feel sick to my stomach. I knew eating that much at dinner was going to be a mistake. Usually if I ate as much as I did, I would immediately demand myself to throw it all up. So I was dying to sprint to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat. I wanted to empty my stomach of all the food and regret. I was just about to ask a bouncer where the girls room was when Lexi came dancing up to me in her tight black skirt.
"C'mon babe!" she screeched over the blasting Katy Perry song the DJ was playing. She grabbed my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor. I felt hands around my waist and turned around to find a guy dancing with me. Lexi had already found a guy of her own, dancing exotically across from us.
She threw up her skinny arms and cheered. I admired her happiness, so real and effortless. Envy crawled through my body, as I was constantly striving to be as happy as her.
Pushing away the hands of the random guy, I apologized to him and dashed away. Holding my head with two hands, I finally found the bathroom. As soon as I was on my knees and grasping the toilet, I lifted a finger to touch the back of my throat. Immediately, everything I had eaten for dinner was coming back up. And I was sitting on the gross bathroom floor, wiping my mouth of all the shame I felt.
I pick up my cell phone and scroll down to Bruce's name in my contacts. Pressing the call button, he picks up on the second ring.
"Bruce," I sigh. "I can't come into work today."
He makes a sound of annoyance on the other end. "Are you sick?"
"I...yes. I've been throwing up."
He groans but doesn't hesitate to respond. I never call out of work, no matter how terrible I feel.
"Alright Paige. Take today off. Might as well take off tomorrow too."
I thank him and hang up, still holding the demeaning plus sign in my hand. I remember throwing up that first night in the club, back when I was doing so because I hated who I was. And even after someone has recently tried to teach me to love myself, I still find myself throwing up.
Just when I thought I was off the hook, Lexi had stormed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She stood five feet away from me, crossing her arms and boring her eyes into mine. I noticed we were the only two in the bathroom; no one was around to witness the wrath she was about to blow on me.
"Paige!" she spat. "What the hell? That guy was hot and you just blew him off. Why are you on the ground anyway?"
I can recall feeling a rush of doubt travel through my body, convincing me that the trip was a bad idea. Why did I think I could handle it? Lexi was bound to catch me in the act of a break down at some point in the two weeks. I couldn't even make it through the first night.
"I...I got sick...from the restaurant I think." The taste of the pathetic lie was staining my lips, coming from the same part of my brain that convinced me to throw up. Lexi nodded, assuming I was telling the truth because I had never given her reason not to in the past.
"If you have food poisoning," she said, suddenly becoming calmer. "We can head back to the hotel for the night."
"No, I'll go by myself. You can stay here."
"Oh please, Paige," she reached down to help me up from the floor. "I won't have fun without you. Let's go back and you can lie down."
I shakily adjusted my skirt and smoothed out my hair. She guided me out of the club and we made our way back to the Gold Rivera.
"Turning in early?" the cute doorman asked, clearly remembering Lexi tell him earlier that we'd be out late. She shrugged, still linking arms with me.
It was the first time I had relied on someone else to take care of me, the first time I had ever even partially revealed who I secretly was.
I'm going to have to tell Lexi everything, because as much as I hate to admit it, she's the only one who will be able to help me.
I return to my bathroom and gaze down into the trash can. There are two other white sticks lying inside. I was hoping the one in my hand would be different, figuring that "third time's a charm."
But it wasn't. Why would it have been?
"You sure you're ok? You seemed pretty sick last night."
I stood in front of the full length mirror, pulling my beach cover up over my purple bikini. Lexi sat on the bed behind me and I made eye contact with her through the mirror.
"Lex," I smiled. "I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Positive."
She raised her eyebrows, but thankfully surrendered. I wasn't used to having her worry about me. I wasn't used to anybody worrying about me, because I had never made it clear that they should have been.
Snatching my beach bag and room key, I allowed Lexi to trail behind me out of the hotel. We walked across the street to the beach and settled down on our towels, soaking up the vicious Australian sun.
When I was least expecting it, I felt something hard hit the side of my face. I sat up quickly, removing my Coach sunglasses to discover a muscular guy standing above me. He reached down to pick up a football and let out a soft laugh.
"Uh..." I stammered.
"Sorry about that," he said in a luring Australian accent. "Didn't mean to hit you, shiela. Did I hurt ya?"
I examined his sparkling blue eyes, so similar to the color of the waves just ten feet away from us. He was still smiling at me when Lexi spoke up.
"She's fine," she said for me, as I had clearly forgotten how to speak. "I'm Lexi."
"I'm Paige," I managed to say.
"I'm Nolan," he grinned. "You from the states?"
"Is it that obvious?" I asked.
He shrugged a broad shoulder. "We can spot em down here."
Lexi glanced behind him at a group of guys staring at us. He followed her eyes and chuckled.
"Those are my mates. Bros, I think the guys from America say."
"Ha!" I laughed for real, surprising myself. Lexi giggled next to me and soon enough, we were rolling around on our towels, trying to control our sudden laughter. It felt amazing to feel that way without faking it; almost surreal.
"Well you two certainly seem like a lovely time," Nolan smirked. "Hey, why don't you come out with us tonight? Where are you staying?"
"The Gold Rivera," I answered.
His eyes brightened. "So are we!"
Lexi tilted her head. "You mean you're not a local?"
"Nah. We're from Alice Springs. Right in the middle of the country. My mates and I wanted to get away."
I nodded, understanding. He threw the football back to one of his friends who jumped to catch it. Turning back around, he eyed me with a bit of certainty.
"You're the girl from the balcony," he confirmed to himself. "Yesterday."
My mind flew back to the day before, when I had locked eyes with the mysterious guy on the balcony near mine. "That was you? Your room must be two away from ours."
"Nolan! Come on!" one of his friends called.
He spun around to yell back at them and then returned to us. "Meet in the lobby tonight at ten. Just warning you, though. My mates and I go hard," he winked.
Lexi and I exchanged glances, biting our lips to keep from another laughing fit. "We'll see about that," she joked.
I remember, to my own amazement, being excited that night. It had been a long time since I had truthfully been thrilled to do anything.
But that didn't mean I wasn't taking secret precautions. Convincing Lexi I wasn't hungry, I managed to skip dinner while she ordered room service. With an empty stomach, it would be impossible for me to try to throw up. And as long as no one left me alone, I was safe from the waterfalls of tears I usually cried.
"You ready?" Lexi asked, sporting a little red clubbing dress and heels.
I emerged from the bathroom, wearing a black dress just as tiny as hers. "Ready."
We took the elevator down, fashionably late by about ten minutes. As we entered the lobby, Nolan and his group of friends caught our attention.
"Damn," one of them smirked while scanning us up and down. "You did good this time, Nolan."
Nolan rolled his eyes and ignored him. "You shielas ready?"
Lexi sneered. "Are you ready?"
Crossing his arms, Nolan winked at me and smirked. "You have no idea."
No one would have guessed, but I hated being touched by guys. It frightened me when I felt their hands come anywhere near my body. My past would tell you it was because of an abusive relationship that occurred behind closed doors. But I would never tell anyone that.
I could deal with the dancing. Lexi had brought me to enough clubs here at home to eventually feel comfortable with a guy's arms around my waist. But if they touched me anywhere else, I would make up some excuse to get away, usually by getting a drink.
And that night, when Nolan brought us to a club that was ten times crazier than any I've seen in America, I swear I was going to lose it.
"Oh my..god...oh my god..oh..."
I breathed heavily, gasping for air. In the alley behind the club, I rested my palms flat against the concrete wall, attempting to calm myself.
One of Nolan's friends, whose name I could barely remember, had started dancing with me. We had been there less than twenty minutes when I felt his hands grab my waist. I was doing fine, much to my satisfaction. But soon enough, his hands were moving all over my body, below my waist and up my stomach. I froze on the dance floor. An erosion of sickness formed in my stomach, reminding me why I was the way I was.
I pushed him off of me and fled out of the club, forgetting how to breath. By the time I had reached the back alley, my face was soaked in tears and I was having a full blown panic attack.
Every memory was coming back to me. I remembered being slapped across the face, held down on a bed, threatened into doing things I didn't want to do. I remembered his cigarette breathe, his bruising hands, his final words.
You’re worth nothing.
The clock on my kitchen counter reads 9 AM. I have already thrown up three times this morning, one for every stupid little white stick I used.
I contemplate calling Lexi, knowing she's going to freak out once she realizes I'm not at work with her.
It kills me knowing I need help. What kills me even more is knowing I always have.
"Hey are you alright love?"
Leaning my back against the wall, I was clutching my stomach with both hands, looking like a complete mess. My head was throbbing and every beautiful star in the night sky was blurring into one. A familiar voice was getting closer to me. Glancing up, I recognized it as Nolan.
"Paige?"
I pressed my lips together, quickly wiping my cheeks of the tears and mascara streaks. He approached me gingerly, a concerned look on his face.
"What's wrong? I saw you dancing with Ben and it looked like you were having a good time. But then you ran out. I followed you out here. Why were you crying like that?"
I nodded, fully ashamed and embarrassed that someone had finally caught me in the act. It was impossible to deny it at that point. He had seen one of my infamous break downs and there was no erasing that.
But that didn't mean I couldn't get out of it. I was the queen of lying, wasn't I?
"I have asthma," I spat out. "I...um...forgot to use my inhaler before I left."
He narrowed his eyes at me, somehow still sparkling even with a serious face on. I could sense he didn't believe me, which felt odd, considering I was the master of fooling others.
"Are you sure?" he questioned.
I rapidly nodded my head. He sighed, backing off from the situation. I knew he still didn't believe me, but it seemed like he didn't want to make it worse.
So instead, he motioned for me to follow him out of the alley. I obeyed and walked behind him, inhaling the classy cologne that lingered on his clothes.
Turning to head back into the club, Nolan grabbed my wrist and I froze for the second time that night. He must have seen my eyes flash because he quickly released his grip.
"We're not going back in," he said affirmatively.
"Why not?"
"Let's just take a walk. We're already out here. Might as well take advantage of the air, right?"
"But Lexi is in there..."
He scoffed. "I think she'll be fine. Five of my best mates are with her."
We walked down a couple streets in silence before ending up at the beach. It was so much more serene at night, lacking the screaming and running of tourists and locals. The waves gently rolled up and down, crashing just below where Nolan and I were walking.
"What state are you from?" he finally spoke.
"Lexi and I live in New York City. That's where we went to college. But I grew up in Vermont."
He laughed. "So you're a city girl now."
"For the past five years. But I'll always be a small town girl."
"What about Lexi?"
"Oh, she's from Brooklyn. Been a city girl her whole life. Can't ya tell?"
He laughed again and I bit my lip to hide my smile. It felt amazing to make someone laugh, to know they're listening intently.
"What made you come down under?"
His accent was probably the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. It was deep and foreign to me, but I loved it.
"Lexi thought we needed a vacation. I agreed."
"Vacation from what exactly?"
I bit my lip. "Well for Lex, this is a vacation from work. But I absolutely love our job."
Lexi had no idea how much I loved showing up for work each day. By distracting myself with all I needed to do, I was able to take my mind off throwing up any food I ate or the tears I would eventually cry.
"What do you do for work?"
"We work at a sports network, interviewing athletes at various games and tournaments. I love it."
"So if this isn't a vacation from work for you, what IS it a vacation from?" he genuinely asked.
I kicked up a bit of water with my foot, mainly out of amusement but a bit out of frustration. Nolan stopped in his tracks and turned to me as I realized I still had to answer his question. He waited patiently, raising his eyebrows at me.
"It was supposed to be vacation from myself."
Lexi groaned and threw the remote at the TV, mumbling something about foreign channels. I came out of the bathroom, drying my hair with a towel. Just as I was about to ask why she whipped the remote at the morning news, a smirk creeped up on her face when she saw me.
"Well, nice to finally see you," she said.
I sat on the bed opposite her. "Thanks?"
"Where'd you run off to last night? I called your cell phone a million times. I'm lucky I finally found you safe and asleep in here. And then I wake up and you're taking a shower. Are we even on the same schedule anymore?"
I reached for the remote that had landed on the ground and switched the news to some weird soap opera. "I was with Nolan."
Suddenly Lexi was standing in front of me with her arms crossed, blocking my view of the TV I was pretending to pay attention to. "All night?"
"Clearly not, Lex. I was back in the hotel before YOU were. I was asleep when you came in."
"What did you guys do?"
In truth, all Nolan I did was talk. It was nothing deep, just a basic exchange of our daily lives. He learned more about my days in college and my job in New York. And he told me about living with his older brother and starting a career in marketing. It was refreshing to have a conversation that wasn't about the hottest player in the NFL, a typical debate between Lexi and I. At midnight, Nolan had walked me back to the Gold Rivera and insisted we hang out more while I was there. I had stood at the front door, watching him make his way back to the club to meet up with his friends again.
"He just walked me back to the hotel."
I didn't mention that, as Nolan was strolling away that night, he had spun around to wink and wave at me. And I had laughed through my nose, abruptly much more happy.
"I hooked up with one of his friends," Lexi grinned proudly. "Such a good f*ing kisser. I was into it."
I mentally rolled my eyes at her but gave her a look of approval. She shrugged, pulling out her makeup bag.
"But I'm not going to just focus on him. There are so many potential hookups in Sydney."
I remember losing respect for Lexi when she said that. We're 23 years old, and she was acting like we were still college freshmen. I wanted to tell her to act her age.
But then it dawned on me that, if she had known of my disorder, she could have told me the exact same thing.
"You're late today."
I accept my caramel latte from the Starbucks barista and my heart speeds up. Late.
"What?" I snap.
The teenage boy jumps. "Um, I was just saying you're usually here two hours earlier."
I exhale, realizing I misinterpreted what he said. "Sorry. I'm actually not going in to work today. That's why I'm here so late."
He nods. "Well, have a good day."
I thank him and take a seat, still clutching my steaming coffee. My cell phone is in my other hand, beginning to vibrate as Lexi's picture appears on the screen. I press the green the accept button.
"Hi."
"Paige, are you okay? Bruce said you called out sick. You never get sick," Lexi accuses.
"I'm not technically sick," I say simply. I don't know how to explain that I was throwing up from what I can only imagine was morning sickness.
"Then...why aren't you here? Where are you? Paige, the first game of the World Series starts today and you just decide to take a day off of work? What's gotten into you? I've noticed you've been acting differently since we got back two weeks ago."
I take a long, deep breath and admire the two women sitting at the table next to mine. They don't seem any older than I am, but they sure as hell are happier. I long to be like them, to live everyday in pleasure and joyfulness, to finally love my true self and accept who I am.
"Alexis," I say, using my best friend's full name.
"What is it?" she asks, catching on to my seriousness.
"I need your help."
"With what?"
I close my eyes. "With everything."
I hoisted the ice bucket on my hip and padded down the hotel hallway in just my socks. Lexi and I had taken it easy the past couple days, lounging at the beach and trying different fruity drinks. I can't say I hadn't thrown up, though. No matter how much real fun I was having, something in my mind was always telling me I wasn't good enough.
"Ello."
I jumped at the sound of a deep voice behind me. Nolan revealed himself, also holding an ice bucket.
"You scared me," I said, slapping my hand on my pounding heart.
He beat me to the ice machine, placing his bucket inside and pressing the button. "Sorry love."
I leaned against the machine. "So what have you guys been doing?"
"The beach. But the mates have been going clubbing every night as well."
"And you haven't?" I asked as he stepped away from the machine and I took his place.
He met eyes with me. "Haven't been since the night I walked you back."
I finished with my ice and put the top back on the bucket. "Why not?"
He turned away and began walking down the hallway. I caught up to him, having to go twice as fast to keep up with his quick pace. He began talking, but completely ignored my question.
"Do you want to come out with me tonight? Not to a club, maybe for a drink?"
I examined his cocked eyebrow and the way he discreetly smirked down at me. He was mysterious looking, so different than any guy here at home.
"Like...just the two of us?"
"Yeah. That a problem?"
"No!" I rushed to say. "Not at all. I'd love to."
"Great," he sneered, arriving in front of his door. "So around 8? Meet in-"
"The lobby," I finished confidently. With a wink in my direction, he disappeared into his room.
"Is it like...a date?"
I dug through my suitcase, throwing around different dresses and skirts but failing to find one I actually wanted to wear. Lexi sat cross-legged on her bed, brushing her layered brown hair. I expected her to be upset that I was going out without her, but she had brushed it off, rambling something about having to go souvenir shopping for her sister anyway.
"I mean, he didn't say it was," I answered. "God, what should I wear?"
She hopped off the bed and retrieved something from her suitcase, a short gold dress with a one shoulder strap.
"Here," she said, handing it to me. "It'll look good on you with your new tan."
"But Lex, it's brand new. You haven't even worn it yet."
She shrugged. "Who cares? Wear it."
I escaped into the bathroom and slipped it on. The sheer material fell over my skin and I walked out to show Lexi.
"Damn," she laughed. "You look hot."
I thanked her and grabbed my purse, naturally having trouble believing it when someone said I looked good. In my eyes, I could always be better.
Lexi stares at me, her lips slowly parting. Her eyes move up and down my body like she is seeing me for the first time. In a sense, she really is.
"I had no idea," she shakes her head. "Paige, I didn't know."
I nod. "No one did, Lex. Trust me, I made sure of it."
"But," she hiccups. "I'm your best friend. I should have sensed something. What kind of friend does that make me?"
I watch her choke back tears and it's like looking through a mirror of my past; holding back emotions for the sake of others. "Lexi, there was no way for you to have known. What matters is that you know now. And I'm desperate for help. I've always been. But I'm reaching out for the first time."
She reached for my hand across the Starbucks table. "I'm going to help you. I refuse to watch you suffer any more than you have. It'll all work out, Paige. I promise."
I attempt to smile at her, but it's hard. I have never put my trust in someone else's hands. And I don't know how to believe that everything will be okay.
"They have a killer margarita here."
I raised my eyebrows at Nolan, amused that he pronounced it "kee-lah". He didn't notice my facial expression as he ordered our drinks at the bar and flashed a bright smile at me.
"So," he said. "Tell me more."
"About what?"
"About you."
We received our drinks from the bartender and I was mesmerized by the tangy flavor. I averted my eyes back to Nolan. He hadn't seemed to break his gaze on me.
"I already told you," I grinned. "I'm 23, I work in New York, and I'm from Vermont."
He shook his head and laughed, attracting the attention of a couple of girls a few seats away.
"No, Paige. That's WHAT you are. I want to know WHO you are."
There was a tiny glint in his eye, full of curiosity. He was interested and it had been a long time since anyone truthfully wanted to know about me. It had been an even longer time since I was willing to open up.
"Well c'mon," he touched my hand. "Don't be shy."
"I'm not shy," I responded. That was half true. In high school and college, I was always outgoing and adventurous, exactly like Lexi. But in the past couple years I had become more reserved. I hated the thought of anyone discovering what I'd become, so I had settled down.
He tilted his head at me. "I bet you read."
I coughed, practically choking on my margarita. "Excuse me?"
"You just seem like someone who reads a lot."
"I...yeah. I love to read."
"What do you read the most?"
I pursed my lips. "Nicholas Sparks."
"Ah," he nodded. "Romance novels. Are you a hopeless romantic?"
"Well I'm hopeless, that's for sure," I shrugged, surprising myself by revealing even that much.
"I'm sure that's not true," Nolan stared into my eyes, leaning in closer.
"It is though," I averted my gaze away from him. My heart was speeding up, confused as to why I was openly admitting so much.
"Paige," he touched my chin, gently turning my head to face him. "Do you really have asthma?"
I swallowed. "No, I don't."
"Then what was that? Behind the club the other night?"
I pushed away my margarita and placed my hands in my lap, keeping my concentration on Nolan. “That was who I am.”
The sky was practically black in front of us as Nolan and I sat on the soft sand of the beach. Young teenagers ran around at the edge of the water, so carefree and jubilant. The girls screeched as the boys playfully picked them up and spun them around.
"See that?" I pointed to them. "That's what I used to be."
"What?" he asked quizzically. "A teenager? We all were."
"No, not just that," I sighed. "Happy."
He reached over and brushed a piece of blonde hair behind my ear, keeping those blue eyes on mine. I shivered, both delighted and amazed that I could handle him touching me.
"Who made you this way?" he whispered.
Tears stung my eyes and I tilted my head back, trying to force them back in before they fell. I was ashamed; I had done such an excellent job keeping these tears hidden and now they were escaping.
"What makes you think someone made me like this?"
"Because," he cradled my face in his hand. "Girls like you aren't born that way."
I started shaking, right there on the dark beach. I was breaking all my rules and tearing down the huge wall I'd created. He leaned over to hug me and for the first time in years, I was able to hug back.
In his embrace, I muffled the words I'd been too afraid to speak out loud until then. "I hate myself."
He pulled away with a sympathetic expression on his face. "Don't say that. You have no reason to hate yourself."
"He had reasons."
"Who?"
"The guy I dated," I sniffed.
"Paige," he said softly. "What did he do?"
And I let it all out. "He used to beat me. He hit me, swore at me, spit at me. A couple times he burned me with his cigarettes. He told me I was fat and worthless. I was in my last year of college and he was making it miserable. I felt helpless and weak. I started making myself throw up and crying myself to sleep at night. Even after he broke up with me and fell out of my life, I kept doing it. I still throw up and I still cry at night. But no one would ever know, because I hide it all. I've been hiding it for two years now. And I’m so afraid of the world."
He kept shaking his head, almost in a disturbed way. "It disgusts me that a sweet girl like yourself was treated that way."
I was sobbing, harder than I ever had before. "I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's just so hard."
He wrapped his strong arms around me again, rocking my fragile body back and forth. As ashamed as I was, it felt fantastic to finally pour it all out.
"I'm going to fix you, Paige. I'm going to get you back to the old you. I promise."
I buried my face in his chest, actually believing him. "You're the first guy I've let touch me like this since him."
"Well I’m very lucky," he whispered. "You're a great girl, Paige. Even if you don't know it."
“Now keep steady!” Nolan screams. “Keep your arms out straight!”
He is about ten feet away from me, lying on his stomach on his blue surf board. A wave was approaching us and he insisted that I try to surf it, ignoring the fact that I’d completely tumbled over in the last five.
As I feared the crash that was bound to happen, I grasped the sides of my rental surfboard. The wave crept closer, testing my insecurity. “Nolan,” I called out to him.
“What?” he responded. “Scared?”
I nodded. He shrugged, barely glancing in my direction. “Well,” he said, preparing his body for the oncoming wave. “Scared is a word in the past tense, you know.”
Like he taught me, I positioned my body on the surf board and counted the seconds in my head before hoisting myself up.
3…2…1…
I pushed my body up to my feet and as panic struck in my heart, I managed to maintain my balance and ride through the wave. Nolan looked back at me as he did the same, cheering and yelling my name. I felt fearless.
The wave crashed and I collapsed into his arms, laughing and trying to regain a steady heartbeat at the same time.
“I told you, Paige,” Nolan said.
“That was the best!” I screeched. “I want to do it again!”
“Why?” he chuckled.
“Because,” I retrieved my surfboard and winked at him. “I’m not scared anymore.”
Lexi guides me into my apartment and sits me down at the kitchen table. She takes a seat across from me and instructs me to take out my cell phone.
"You need to call him."
"Lex, I can't. I can't do it."
She crosses her arms. "Why not?"
"Because..." I stutter.
"See?" she says. "You have no reason not to. This is the first step, Paige. The first step to getting strong again."
"Lexi," I shook my head, placing down my cell phone. "Weren't you listening? He fixed me once, but I don't think he can fix this."
"You're so beautiful."
Caught in the bed sheets, I poked my head up for air. The hotel room was empty aside from Nolan and I; his friends had gone out for dinner. To my pleasure, Lexi was downstairs getting a back massage at the spa.
Nolan wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt a chill run through my body. But it felt wonderful; a sensation that I hadn't experience in a long time. Being with him made me feel safe and worthy, like the old Paige before she was destroyed.
I giggled, touching my nose to his. "Back at ya."
He kissed me like he'd been doing all week, soft and playful. I pressed my bare body up to his and enjoyed the warmth shared between us. Lexi and I were leaving in two days. I was dreading the trip back and it wasn't just because I had to spend 21 hours on a plane. It was because I knew I'd have to leave Nolan, my new safety net.
"I don't want to go home on Saturday," I said sadly.
"Then don't," he muttered.
I looked up at him. "What?"
"Stay here," he insisted. "Become an Aussie like me and we'll live together."
I pulled away a little, which by his facial expression, scared him. "Nolan, I live in America. I have a job there. I can't give it all up for-"
"Me?"
His eyes were darker than usual as they laid on mine, hopeful and driven. "Oh, babe," I hugged him tight. "I wish it was possible. If I could, I'd stay like this forever. You saved me, Nolan. You really saved me. And I'm so thankful for that."
He nodded, both disappointed and understanding. But still, he winked at me. "I'm glad I hit you with that football, shiela."
I laughed. "I've never been so grateful to be hit in the face."
And like he had all week, Nolan held me firmly, squeezing out all my pain and pushing in all the joy he could.
As Lexi returned our room keys to the Gold Rivera receptionist, I tapped my fingers on my suitcase to the rhythm on the lobby music. It had been at least ten days since those very fingers had touched the back of my throat and for the first time in two years, I was actually proud of myself.
Lexi returned, rolling her suitcase behind her and holding our plane tickets. "There's a taxi out front to take us to the airport."
"Okay," I said.
In front of us, the elevator door flew open and Nolan was standing inside. He ran out and grabbed my face with his hands, kissing my deeply.
"Stay safe," he winked. "And don't forget to remember me."
Lexi smirked next to us. "Nolan," she snickered. "I don't think she could if she tried."
I threw myself on my bed, sprawling my whole body across it. It was nice to be in my apartment again, away from Lexi's snoring and having to dodge maids in the hallway.
The jet lag was hitting me hard and I was just about to pass out when my cell phone buzzed. A text from Bruce popped up, reminding me that I was covering a Jets game the next day. I quickly texted back and returned to the home screen where there was a picture of Nolan and I on the beach. It was the only photo of us from the whole trip. Lexi had taken it without us knowing. He was lying on his side, holding a red popsicle up to me. I was beaming from ear to ear, lunging over to take it. You could see how oblivious I was to everything around me; Lexi taking the picture, the seagull eating my sandwich a few feet away, my whole world shifting because of one special person.
I grinned and turned my phone off, crawling into bed. It had been a long time since my pillow wasn't greeted by my tears.
"Hi Nolan. I know this long distance call is going to cost us a huge fee, but I really have to tell you something. It's urgent."
Lexi rubs my shoulder as I press the end button, finishing the voicemail I left. I wish he would pick up and I could dump this terrible news on him, just to get it over with. Lexi takes my cell phone and puts it in her back pocket, away from my sight so I can't see the home screen picture.
But it doesn't matter. I've studied that picture long enough to know its every aspect and angle.
"Lex," I bite my lip. "What if I never talk to him ever again?"
She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it. I twist the silver ring on my thumb and feel a headache coming on. Like I've learned in the past, the only thing that follows my headaches is a waterfall of disgraceful tears.
"Hello?" I answer my phone, though I don't know the number who's calling.
"Hi. Paige, right?"
"Yeah," I say to the unrecognizable deep voice.
"This is Christopher. Nolan's older brother."
"Oh," I say. "Hello."
There's slight silence, like he's choosing his words wisely. "I have some bad news."
My heart pounds. "What is it?"
"You've been calling Nolan's cell phone the last couple of days, right?"
"Yeah," I sigh. "I actually have some news for him, too."
There is another silence. "You won't be able to give him the news," Christopher states.
"Why?"
"A few days ago Nolan was in a surfing accident. The waves were huge and they took him under. He drowned, love."
My muscles tighten up as the air in my kitchen grows heavier. Christopher keeps repeating my name, begging me to respond.
"I have his phone now. And when I saw that you kept calling, I figured I'd let you know. His friends said you were all he could talk about in Sydney."
Like an old friend, familiar tears return to my life and start streaming down my face. Christopher asks me what the important news I have is.
"It's nothing now," I cough.
"Are you sure?"
I close my eyes, debating whether to tell him or not. "Yes," I finally answer. "I'm sure."
He sighs heavily. "I know he only knew you for a couple weeks. And I know you wish you could hear this from him. But I really think he loved you sweetie."
I try my hardest to steady my breathing. "Thank you," I whisper. "And I'm so sorry."
"We all are, love. All we can do now is remember him."
"Right, exactly."
"Good luck," Christopher says gently. "With everything you choose to do in life."
I thank him once again and hang up. I drop my cell phone to the ground, watching it shatter to a thousand pieces like my aching heart. In my pounding head, I can hear the sound of large waves crashing at the beach, so powerful they can scoop up an angel.
18 YEARS LATER
My son hauls the last box into my SUV and slams the trunk shut. He spins around with a large smile on his flawless face.
"I'm ready," he practically shouts.
But I'm not. I'm not ready to let my only child leave and enter the real world. I'm nervous he will have to deal with things as hard as I did. Deep down though, I know I raised a strong boy and he is more than ready for this next step.
Lexi stands behind me with her five year old daughter who runs up to my son. He catches her and picks her up.
"Are you gonna miss me, Katy?" He tickles her.
"I'm gonna miss you so much Jake," she hugs him.
Jake laughs and sets her down. Lexi walks up to him and gives him a hug as well.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she warns.
"That's pretty much nothing, Aunt Lexi," he sneers.
She shrugs and wishes him luck. He motions for me to get in the car. Lexi and Katy wave goodbye to us. As we start the two hour drive to his school, I hold back tears.
But these are happy tears. Eighteen years ago, I never thought I'd be so content with my life. I was worn out, weak, and helpless. But then came Nolan, the father I've often told Jake about over the years. He fixed me, because that's all he promised he would do. He taught me how to love and trust again. And even though he died, I was able to raise the most perfect boy in the world all on my own.
As I merge onto the highway and glance over at Jake humming along to the radio, I surprisingly thank the Lord for Nolan's death. He saved me and then he left. Instead of relying on his presence to guide me through the rest of my journey, he taught me how to do it myself, like I had been doing before I was twenty. For that, I am forever thankful.
I look at Jake, and as he starts singing along to a song I don't even know, he winks at me.
KatsK
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