“I love you,” she whispered into her pink cell phone. Nothing but music and the rustle of paper returned what she thought was an open and honest gesture. “Did you hear me?” she paused. “I said I love you.”
Katelynn heard him cough and turn the sappy indie ballad in the background down. Thank God, she thought. She had never been able to stand Noah’s music, even when it was almost two thousand miles away. Mainstream bubblegum hits were what she preferred.
Noah coughed again. “Yeah, I heard you, Katie Cat. Of course you love me. I’m the coolest big brother out there.”
She fell back onto her rose-colored comforter. Her entire room was pink—pink walls, pink carpet, pink computer monitor, pink tissues, for crying out loud. Pink was always a comfort blanket for Katelynn. It was the color she had built her life and herself around. Katelynn had even considered dying her hair pink once, but that was out of the question if she wanted to continue running with her clan. And she did. She definitely did.
“No, Noah…” she sighed, shutting her eyes tightly.
“What, you changed your mind?” He was getting nervous. She could tell. She could read her brother like a favorite book.
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t.”
He did. He was denying it but he did. Tears started to prick at Katelynn’s eyes. This is what she was afraid of. She could back out now. They could continue to pretend that nothing had ever happened.
~*~
Christmas of 2010. Katelynn was fifteen and Noah was seventeen. Everyone was enjoying themselves until dinner. That’s when it came up.
“So, Katelynn, we heard you quit the pageants.”
“Why? Too difficult?”
“You could have gotten some good scholarships.”
“Did you find yourself a boyfriend? A career is more important than a boy, darling.”
“Are you eating all of that?”
“Someone’s hungry!”
“My, hon, you’ve gone a little soft haven’t you?”
“Leave some food for the rest of us!”
“You used to be so skinny, dear.”
Noah could see Katelynn falling apart. She carefully set her napkin down, pushed her chair back, and excused herself from the table. Immediately after she left the blame game started up. It was Uncle Calvin’s fault, their mom’s fault, Rebecca’s fault…
No one noticed as Noah followed his sister down the hall. The door to her room was ajar, but the light was off. Katelynn wasn’t in there. He found her in his room, lying on the floor next to his bed, staring at the ceiling. Her blonde hair was frazzled. Tears had left little tracks on her cheeks. She didn’t even turn to look at him, just said calmly, “I don’t want to be a fake.”
~*~
“I love you. So much. So much that I can’t even picture being with someone else, just you. I miss you, No. I—“
“Stop, Katelynn,” he pleaded.
“I want to come live with you when I graduate, out in California. We can be happy, do whatever we want, be together! No one will know. No one will care. We can grow old together.”
There. It was out. Katelynn was breathing heavily from her confession. Noah was quiet. A minute passed and he said nothing. She was about to ask if he was still there. Then he said the four words that made her heart stop.
~*~
“You’re not fake, Katie Cat. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“The pageants. Dying my hair. All this damn pink.” She smiled wryly. “I’m fake. I’m a Barbie. That’s what this goth girl at school called me. A Barbie.”
Katelynn started to cry again and it broke Noah’s heart. He didn’t know what to say, so he laid down on the floor next to her and sighed. Rolling over to face him and rest her head on his shoulder, she sniffled loudly.
“Remember when I was little and I used to come in here whenever I got upset? Or when there were thunderstorms, you would scoot all the way over to the wall and let me crawl into bed with you?”
“Yeah,” Noah nodded, then asked. “When did you stop needing me?”
He was joking, sort of. Still, Katelynn sat up and looked him in the eyes. Her hair tickled his nose as she replied in a dead serious tone, “I never stopped needing you.”
A sharp series of knocks on the bedroom door startled both of them. Someone had finally realized that maybe they should check on the girl they had caused to leave the dinner table in tears. Katelynn took some deep breaths and the two rejoined the group. It was late once everyone left. Katelynn and Noah said good night to their parents. They walked down the hall together.
“Good night, Katie Cat.”
She smiled. It didn’t reach her eyes. “Night, No.”
Exactly one hour and seventeen minutes later, Noah’s bedroom door slowly opened and closed.
“Noah? You awake?”
“Mhmm.”
“I can’t sleep.”
Noah sat up and flicked the lamp on. His sister was standing by the door in sky blue pajama shorts and a gray tank top that used to be his. Her hair was braided down her back—she couldn’t fall asleep unless it was—and Katelynn had her arms wrapped around her middle like she was in pain. He patted the bed next to him.
“Come sit with me for a while.”
She nodded and slowly made her way over to him. He scooted over to the wall, just like the old days. After she crawled under the covers with him he clicked the lamp off.
“Are you still upset about dinner?”
“I’m not sure,” she sighed. “Not really, I guess.”
“Well, what’s wrong?” Noah wondered.
“I’m not sure.”
Noah slid down so he was lying on his side. Katelynn’s warm breath smelled like minty mouthwash.
“Katelynn?”
“Yeah, No?”
“Never mind.”
Then they were kissing. Noah rested his hand on her hip and she slid closer to him. After a few seconds she pulled away and buried her face in the pillow
“Holy s***,” she muttered, her voice slightly muffled. ”Holy s***.”
He didn’t know what to say. The kiss had rendered him completely speechless.
“I should… um… probably go.”
Except she didn’t.
~*~
“It was a mistake.”
Blood rushed to her head and warmed her face. Katelynn felt like she was going to puke. “What?”
He had never suggested that, never made any indication that he hadn’t been ok with what had happened. Not that they’d talked about it at all, but in the days that passed he’d smiled at her and hugged her a lot. He’d even kissed her the night afterwards—just a quick little peck. It was still a kiss, though, and it had lured her into thinking that what they had done wasn’t wrong. Now he was calling it a mistake.
“What?” she repeated when he didn’t immediately reply. “What? What?”
She was coming unhinged. She was losing her mind.
“Katie Cat, stop for a second. Think about—“
“No. No. This can’t be happening. You can’t say that. I don’t even… what?”
“Katelynn…” he said softly.
“But I love you,” she protested weakly.
“You can’t,” he brother replied.
That is when she lost hope.
“I have to go,” she said, her voice quavering.
“No, don’t hang up. Let’s talk about this.”
Katelynn pressed the end button. Five seconds later, he called her back. She turned her cell phone off. She sat and stared at the wall for half an hour. Then she turned her phone back on.
Thirty-five missed calls from Noah and thirty-three voicemails. She skipped those, not sure what she was more afraid of hearing— the heartbreak or the rejection. She called him back. He answered on the first ring.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
She could tell he had been crying. “Don’t be. Just tell me, do you regret doing what we did?”
He was quiet.
“Noah?”
“Katie Cat… I can’t—“
“Just answer it.” It wasn’t exactly necessary. Katelynn already knew the answer. She just had to hear him say it.
“Yes.”
She hung up. She ignored his desperate calls back, not bothering to turn her phone off this time. That was it. That was all she needed to push herself over the edge, to get up the guts to take that final step.
A horrible, awful blanket of loneliness was smothering Katelynn. The boy she loved, the one she wanted to spend the rest of her days with had refused her. How was she supposed to be happy? The only future she had been able to picture for almost a year was one that included Noah. Now that that was gone, what in the world was she supposed to do? Was it even worth it?
The answer was no. Katelynn stopped by the bathroom on the way to her brother’s old room. It was late and her parents were sound asleep. Still, she tiptoed along. When she reached Noah’s room, she flicked the overhead light on and wandered around touching the things he left behind. Then she settled on his bed. So many memories that were now tainted by the truth…
She set her phone on the bed next to her, unscrewed the bottle of pills. Two was the dosage she was supposed to take. After that, things would get bad.
One.
Two.
Th—
The phone rang, but this time it was a different ringtone, not the ringtone for her brother. It was the ringtone she had set for her lab partner Rowan.
“Hello?”
“Um… hi, Katelynn. Can I talk to you?”
“Sure…”
“I’m just going through some rough stuff right now. And I’m supposed to… to call someone if I’m ever having thoughts like this. Suicide and stuff.” He lowered his voice at that part. “I hope I didn’t wake you up. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to.”
Katelynn started to laugh.
“What?” Rowan asked, sounding hurt.
Katelynn sobered up. “Nothing. Just a weird coincidence.”
The blanket of loneliness began to fall away.
Katelynn heard him cough and turn the sappy indie ballad in the background down. Thank God, she thought. She had never been able to stand Noah’s music, even when it was almost two thousand miles away. Mainstream bubblegum hits were what she preferred.
Noah coughed again. “Yeah, I heard you, Katie Cat. Of course you love me. I’m the coolest big brother out there.”
She fell back onto her rose-colored comforter. Her entire room was pink—pink walls, pink carpet, pink computer monitor, pink tissues, for crying out loud. Pink was always a comfort blanket for Katelynn. It was the color she had built her life and herself around. Katelynn had even considered dying her hair pink once, but that was out of the question if she wanted to continue running with her clan. And she did. She definitely did.
“No, Noah…” she sighed, shutting her eyes tightly.
“What, you changed your mind?” He was getting nervous. She could tell. She could read her brother like a favorite book.
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t.”
He did. He was denying it but he did. Tears started to prick at Katelynn’s eyes. This is what she was afraid of. She could back out now. They could continue to pretend that nothing had ever happened.
~*~
Christmas of 2010. Katelynn was fifteen and Noah was seventeen. Everyone was enjoying themselves until dinner. That’s when it came up.
“So, Katelynn, we heard you quit the pageants.”
“Why? Too difficult?”
“You could have gotten some good scholarships.”
“Did you find yourself a boyfriend? A career is more important than a boy, darling.”
“Are you eating all of that?”
“Someone’s hungry!”
“My, hon, you’ve gone a little soft haven’t you?”
“Leave some food for the rest of us!”
“You used to be so skinny, dear.”
Noah could see Katelynn falling apart. She carefully set her napkin down, pushed her chair back, and excused herself from the table. Immediately after she left the blame game started up. It was Uncle Calvin’s fault, their mom’s fault, Rebecca’s fault…
No one noticed as Noah followed his sister down the hall. The door to her room was ajar, but the light was off. Katelynn wasn’t in there. He found her in his room, lying on the floor next to his bed, staring at the ceiling. Her blonde hair was frazzled. Tears had left little tracks on her cheeks. She didn’t even turn to look at him, just said calmly, “I don’t want to be a fake.”
~*~
“I love you. So much. So much that I can’t even picture being with someone else, just you. I miss you, No. I—“
“Stop, Katelynn,” he pleaded.
“I want to come live with you when I graduate, out in California. We can be happy, do whatever we want, be together! No one will know. No one will care. We can grow old together.”
There. It was out. Katelynn was breathing heavily from her confession. Noah was quiet. A minute passed and he said nothing. She was about to ask if he was still there. Then he said the four words that made her heart stop.
~*~
“You’re not fake, Katie Cat. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“The pageants. Dying my hair. All this damn pink.” She smiled wryly. “I’m fake. I’m a Barbie. That’s what this goth girl at school called me. A Barbie.”
Katelynn started to cry again and it broke Noah’s heart. He didn’t know what to say, so he laid down on the floor next to her and sighed. Rolling over to face him and rest her head on his shoulder, she sniffled loudly.
“Remember when I was little and I used to come in here whenever I got upset? Or when there were thunderstorms, you would scoot all the way over to the wall and let me crawl into bed with you?”
“Yeah,” Noah nodded, then asked. “When did you stop needing me?”
He was joking, sort of. Still, Katelynn sat up and looked him in the eyes. Her hair tickled his nose as she replied in a dead serious tone, “I never stopped needing you.”
A sharp series of knocks on the bedroom door startled both of them. Someone had finally realized that maybe they should check on the girl they had caused to leave the dinner table in tears. Katelynn took some deep breaths and the two rejoined the group. It was late once everyone left. Katelynn and Noah said good night to their parents. They walked down the hall together.
“Good night, Katie Cat.”
She smiled. It didn’t reach her eyes. “Night, No.”
Exactly one hour and seventeen minutes later, Noah’s bedroom door slowly opened and closed.
“Noah? You awake?”
“Mhmm.”
“I can’t sleep.”
Noah sat up and flicked the lamp on. His sister was standing by the door in sky blue pajama shorts and a gray tank top that used to be his. Her hair was braided down her back—she couldn’t fall asleep unless it was—and Katelynn had her arms wrapped around her middle like she was in pain. He patted the bed next to him.
“Come sit with me for a while.”
She nodded and slowly made her way over to him. He scooted over to the wall, just like the old days. After she crawled under the covers with him he clicked the lamp off.
“Are you still upset about dinner?”
“I’m not sure,” she sighed. “Not really, I guess.”
“Well, what’s wrong?” Noah wondered.
“I’m not sure.”
Noah slid down so he was lying on his side. Katelynn’s warm breath smelled like minty mouthwash.
“Katelynn?”
“Yeah, No?”
“Never mind.”
Then they were kissing. Noah rested his hand on her hip and she slid closer to him. After a few seconds she pulled away and buried her face in the pillow
“Holy s***,” she muttered, her voice slightly muffled. ”Holy s***.”
He didn’t know what to say. The kiss had rendered him completely speechless.
“I should… um… probably go.”
Except she didn’t.
~*~
“It was a mistake.”
Blood rushed to her head and warmed her face. Katelynn felt like she was going to puke. “What?”
He had never suggested that, never made any indication that he hadn’t been ok with what had happened. Not that they’d talked about it at all, but in the days that passed he’d smiled at her and hugged her a lot. He’d even kissed her the night afterwards—just a quick little peck. It was still a kiss, though, and it had lured her into thinking that what they had done wasn’t wrong. Now he was calling it a mistake.
“What?” she repeated when he didn’t immediately reply. “What? What?”
She was coming unhinged. She was losing her mind.
“Katie Cat, stop for a second. Think about—“
“No. No. This can’t be happening. You can’t say that. I don’t even… what?”
“Katelynn…” he said softly.
“But I love you,” she protested weakly.
“You can’t,” he brother replied.
That is when she lost hope.
“I have to go,” she said, her voice quavering.
“No, don’t hang up. Let’s talk about this.”
Katelynn pressed the end button. Five seconds later, he called her back. She turned her cell phone off. She sat and stared at the wall for half an hour. Then she turned her phone back on.
Thirty-five missed calls from Noah and thirty-three voicemails. She skipped those, not sure what she was more afraid of hearing— the heartbreak or the rejection. She called him back. He answered on the first ring.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
She could tell he had been crying. “Don’t be. Just tell me, do you regret doing what we did?”
He was quiet.
“Noah?”
“Katie Cat… I can’t—“
“Just answer it.” It wasn’t exactly necessary. Katelynn already knew the answer. She just had to hear him say it.
“Yes.”
She hung up. She ignored his desperate calls back, not bothering to turn her phone off this time. That was it. That was all she needed to push herself over the edge, to get up the guts to take that final step.
A horrible, awful blanket of loneliness was smothering Katelynn. The boy she loved, the one she wanted to spend the rest of her days with had refused her. How was she supposed to be happy? The only future she had been able to picture for almost a year was one that included Noah. Now that that was gone, what in the world was she supposed to do? Was it even worth it?
The answer was no. Katelynn stopped by the bathroom on the way to her brother’s old room. It was late and her parents were sound asleep. Still, she tiptoed along. When she reached Noah’s room, she flicked the overhead light on and wandered around touching the things he left behind. Then she settled on his bed. So many memories that were now tainted by the truth…
She set her phone on the bed next to her, unscrewed the bottle of pills. Two was the dosage she was supposed to take. After that, things would get bad.
One.
Two.
Th—
The phone rang, but this time it was a different ringtone, not the ringtone for her brother. It was the ringtone she had set for her lab partner Rowan.
“Hello?”
“Um… hi, Katelynn. Can I talk to you?”
“Sure…”
“I’m just going through some rough stuff right now. And I’m supposed to… to call someone if I’m ever having thoughts like this. Suicide and stuff.” He lowered his voice at that part. “I hope I didn’t wake you up. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to.”
Katelynn started to laugh.
“What?” Rowan asked, sounding hurt.
Katelynn sobered up. “Nothing. Just a weird coincidence.”
The blanket of loneliness began to fall away.
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