There are a million words I can use to describe how I feel about you but the one that seems to be more relevant, especially at this moment, is numb. How else is a young girl to feel when she finds out that her first love is involved with someone else? I guess you could say heartbroken, but if you’re too numb to feel the pain, does it really even matter? It’s pathetic really. You were never really mine in the first place, so to feel so distraught, so angry, and so lonely over your relationship is something foolish. But aren’t I already foolish for falling in love with you, someone who is so perpetually out of my league? I should’ve known better, should’ve known that thinking about you in more than a friendly manner would lead to my heart’s devastation. Whose fault is it; mine or yours? Is it my fault because I failed to announce my feelings when I first realized them? Is it my fault that I didn’t because I was scared of being rejected by you? Is it my fault that I watched you secretly and admired your grace and your confidence? Is it my fault that I dreamed about kissing you or being held by you a million times? Is it my fault that I convinced myself that I actually might’ve had a chance with you and that I was actually good enough to be with you? Is it my fault that I tried my best to be noticed by you, showing off what little talents I had and putting myself out there? Is it my fault that I changed my image, changed my personality so that you’d talk to me more? Is it my fault that I prayed every night for you to show up at my door and proclaim your love towards me? Or is it your fault for not seeing all the signs? Your fault for when you did, ignoring them? Your fault for leading me on all those times, pulling me in only to put me down? Your fault for making me believe I was special, and that I was worth something? Your fault for being so ambiguous about your feelings? Your fault for telling others there was a chance we’d be together even when you knew there’d be no us and we’d never have a shot? Is it your fault for making me fall in love with you? Is it anyone’s fault at all?
I wonder if she makes you happy. That new girl you’re with. I heard she’s pretty and petite. I heard she’s smart, talented, nice, popular, and just an all around perfect girl. Is that what you’ve always wanted; perfection to go with your own perfection? I bet they call you the infallible couple. I’m sorry I couldn’t be perfect for you. I’m just me with my many scars and flaws. And I had always thought you could deal with that, but it’s quite clear that you couldn’t. And I guess I have to accept that. And in return I hope that you can accept the fact that I am not over you yet. My heart may be broken but my brain works just fine, and in my mind you are ubiquitous. In my mind I think about all the things I love about you like the way you snort a little bit and your voice hikes up a few octaves whenever you laugh. Or the way your eyes squint, and your nose tends to look crooked every time you smile. And even the warmth of your hand that one time I held it when we went to a concert with your friends. Does she love those things about you too? Or does she prefer the way your eyes seem to change from black to brown whenever you’re in deep thought? Or the tiny scar under your eye you got while fighting some guy who insulted your family? Or the stubble on your chin that makes you look older than you truly are? Does she even notice?
Are you satisfied with how all this turned out? I’m left alone in grief while you get to go on happily ever after? It’s not fair. Sometimes I wish I could live vicariously through her. That I could get to know what it feels like to be with you. No matter how facetious and cliché it might sound, it’s true. I wish I could be her, except while being her I could be me and you’d love me for me; if that even makes sense to you at all. I wish I was more resilient. I wish I could bounce back from the near fatal blow you threw at my heart. In retrospect, I guess I should’ve seen it coming. I instigated this whole situation by continuing to hope. I could’ve made you happier. I know I could’ve. You should’ve given me the chance to show you that. And that new girl probably is a decent person, but guess what? I’m better. I hope that she was worth it. I hope she was worth putting me through all of this and leaving me feeling numb. And a part of me even hopes, that in the end, she does to your heart what you’ve done to mine. But mostly Lucas, I hope that you’ll look back on everything you’ve lost…and miss me.