Fatality of Fantasy and Resurrection of Reality

It feels like a month.
It’s only been a week.
It felt like forever.
It was only two months.
I thought I would stay upset.
But I was wrong.
I thought I could say goodbye.

I realized you were the only person I talked to on a regular basis. You were the only person I could reveal my complete self to without fearing criticism. You believed in me and you were there for me. You didn’t leave me like I was certain you would. You were a friend to me. No matter what we talked about I was content.

I tried not to show you that I was falling for you. I tried to be strong. I tried to resist so that in the end I wasn’t the one crying like always. I wanted to be a strong, independent woman, who could shake off short-lived crushes like the dust on her sleeve. But I failed at my play of strength. I fell and I fell hard. You don’t know that I worried every hour that you didn’t text. I smiled every time I saw your name. I couldn’t not think about you. I dreamt about you every night.

In the end I cried.

I didn’t want to trust you for fear of being crushed. But soon I learned that I didn’t actually know how to trust. Trust had become transient to me; a simple word that floated around the air and disappeared when you thought it had finally been caught. I had been let down so many times that trust had become almost impossible to my being.

Now that it’s over and it has to be, I realize I regret not trusting you. I regret living in the hands of doubt and fear. I regret never fully basking in the little we had.

We had so little. Such a small bit that it didn’t even have a name. Most of it was composed by my fantastical dreams and hopes. I guess I could say it was just some silly fairytale I created in the soft, girlish parts of my heart. But I cannot say it was nothing. The feelings I had for you could not have been caused by only small, ephemeral nuances. I cannot say they were nonsensical because they are still here. I still want everything we ever talked about. I still want you. I miss you.

But I have to get rid of these feelings. I’ve found I can’t smother them but perhaps one day they’ll just flow away like a river…maybe in quick little rivulets; maybe in one wide, garrulous path.

Surely, we fell hard and there’s no questioning that. We never got to fulfill what we said. We had a lot of empty promises. But we had a heck of a time talking, imaging and dreaming didn’t we?

My mother has often said, “You shouldn’t give away your heart too easily because you’ll lose a piece of it with every goodbye”

You’ll always have a piece of my heart but I don’t regret it.

So I suppose this is a goodbye to the past and a hello to the unknown, wide expanse of future lying in front of us.




Farewell to the hopes of yesterday.