I burst through the door without saying a word. When I do that all I can think of is me sliding down it, that night when Jayden dropped me off and before she told me that he loved me. That memory makes tears sting at my eyes and threaten to leak. My Aunt looks at me and knows. How can she already know?!
“What did she do?” she asks with a deadly face and walks out the door, pointing at the couch for me to go sit down on. “Go, I’ll talk to here.” Then she beats my mom to the door, but before I can see the look on my mom’s face I run to my room, barring my head in the pillows, maybe I can drown in a sea full of them. I can hear blurred voices. It’s as if they belong written on a steamy window.
“Why do you do this Molly? Why do you always do this?!” my aunt screams and my mom’s response is calm, which obviously angers my aunt.
“What do you mean…?”
“You know exactly what I mean; you did this with Daniel too! You little…..” and then I cover my ears so that I didn’t hear my aunt’s beautiful voice make those nasty words. Even if those words are the truest adjectives for my mom, the perfect names for her. My only question is who’s Daniel? Then I can’t hear my mom, just my aunt who’s screaming her lungs out. Now I’m angry, I look over to see my mom’s luggage just sitting there. The bags innocents are tearing at me from the insides out. I’m losing it. I keep crying, but I quiet as Lisa’s voice softens and I can hear her murmur something that I’m not supposed to hear. Tears that are trickling down my aunt’s face seem to be heard by my hearing that has heightened incredibly, like I put it on its highest rate. Then I can hear my mom, just slightly.
“I know, I’m so sorry.” I can hear the little tinge of sadness in her voice that I have never heard before in my life or at least in MY MOM’S voice. And then everything quiets, my mom’s footsteps echo up the hall coming toward me like a ghost’s. When they finally stop, I can feel something weighing down a side of the bed that I’m still stuffing my face into. Aunt Lisa? Yes, it has to be. I look up and it is, she’s sitting there, stroking my hair and not hiding her eyes that are sheeted with a thin layer of water. Her voice cracks a little as she hums a little song, and I just stare at her. She looks at my hair longingly, like it’s hers to brush, and to hold in her arms. Like she’s my mom, and she deserves me. For a second I wish that it was true, that she was my mom. Then I realize that my mom IS standing there, in the doorway. Her eyes hold strong-ness that I recognize.
Strong-ness that I don’t want to know anymore. Then she see’s me looking and lays her hands that were crossed in front on her chest, down by her side.
“I’ll leave you two alone to talk.” My mom says in just barely whispers before leaving. Part of me feels the need to frown, be sad that my mom will n3ever have the chance to be a real mom to me. Not like the mom that Lisa could so easily be. The bigger part wants Aunt Lisa to keep playing with my hair, humming that soothing song and wiping away my tears.
“Her name was going to be Ashley you know?” Lisa says, and I can feel my heart drop. What is she getting at here? And what does it have to do with my mom?
“She was supposed to be born in March or April. I had a miscarriage just a little bit after they told me it was a girl.” A tear travels out from her eye, streaking a dark line of black down her cheek from the eyeliner she had been wearing. She wants to continue, but I don’t think she knows how. So I’ll help her.
“Why did I never hear about her?” then Aunt Lisa gets a little guilty sounding.
“Because your mom knew that she would never find the love that me and Daniel had, and when he died, she did everything she could to hurt me. Even naming you Ashley and not letting me have contact with you. I know I didn’t show it, but talking to you, and seeing you was one of the happiest moments I’ve had since I heard that it was a girl.” She says and I can feel a tear streak down the bridge of my nose. It all makes sense, my mom screaming into the phone, my parent’s distance, and my name that my mom always said she never liked.
“I’m sorry.” Is all I can say and she nods, laying down next to me.
“Your mom is going to have another one, another baby. That’s why she’s here to tell you and make that little green monster come out of me.” She says and I have a little bit of shock at the thought of my mom having ANOTHER baby, because she didn’t even like her first one. Of course abortion is going to be out of the question for her, and I can’t see her choosing adoption. Suddenly, I feel guilty. Another baby has to deal with Mom, not just me.
My aunt looks at me again. She takes her hand and wipes the under of my eye that is wet with tears. Then I can hear her thoughts in her voice.
“Do you want to live with me Ashley?” Lisa says and all I can think is.
“I can’t replace her…. I don’t think anyone can.” She nods and tears streak down her face, and then she sits up and wipes them away.
“I know you can’t, I just thought that you would like living here, you are welcome to. Just let me know ok?” Then she stands up and walk towards the door.
“Aunt Lisa!” I yell and then she whirls around.
“Yes?” she says and I can only think about the smile that is on her face.
“Yes, yes exactly.” And she smiles wider, and keeps walking out the door.
Five Weeks Later
My mom left and signed the papers to hand me over to Lisa. (Without any arguments too... a miracle) I still don’t know how Daniel died. I still don’t know what I’m going to do when my mom has the baby, but I have nine months to figure that out. Either way, I’ll be there for him/her. I still don’t know a lot of things. The one that hurts me the most though is that Jayden hasn’t been answering his phone, or jogging as far as I’ve seen. He wasn’t seen on the Fourth of July, and Melissa said she hasn’t seen him around for a while either.
“When you left he was destroyed Ash, saying that he didn’t try hard enough to keep you.” Is what she said. Even though she was happy to hear that I’m living in Cali now, her excitement couldn’t hide the fact that Jayden was hurt, really hurt. I’m dyeing to tell him that though he may not love me anymore, I still love him.
But until I get the chance I’ll still jog, in hope to see him. Maybe tell him about my mom’s baby, or the fact that she used me as a pawn in her game against her sister that has only loved her. Maybe I won’t have the chance to tell him anything, because he’ll already be kissing me. Oh, shut up, I know what you’re thinking. Quit dreaming? NO, I won’t and I hope that you won’t either. Hey, you never now. Maybe it was my destiny to have a short love story with Jayden, and not see him ever again afterwards. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll see him again.
I still have to remember though, I don’t know a lot of things, and Jayden’s one of them.
“What did she do?” she asks with a deadly face and walks out the door, pointing at the couch for me to go sit down on. “Go, I’ll talk to here.” Then she beats my mom to the door, but before I can see the look on my mom’s face I run to my room, barring my head in the pillows, maybe I can drown in a sea full of them. I can hear blurred voices. It’s as if they belong written on a steamy window.
“Why do you do this Molly? Why do you always do this?!” my aunt screams and my mom’s response is calm, which obviously angers my aunt.
“What do you mean…?”
“You know exactly what I mean; you did this with Daniel too! You little…..” and then I cover my ears so that I didn’t hear my aunt’s beautiful voice make those nasty words. Even if those words are the truest adjectives for my mom, the perfect names for her. My only question is who’s Daniel? Then I can’t hear my mom, just my aunt who’s screaming her lungs out. Now I’m angry, I look over to see my mom’s luggage just sitting there. The bags innocents are tearing at me from the insides out. I’m losing it. I keep crying, but I quiet as Lisa’s voice softens and I can hear her murmur something that I’m not supposed to hear. Tears that are trickling down my aunt’s face seem to be heard by my hearing that has heightened incredibly, like I put it on its highest rate. Then I can hear my mom, just slightly.
“I know, I’m so sorry.” I can hear the little tinge of sadness in her voice that I have never heard before in my life or at least in MY MOM’S voice. And then everything quiets, my mom’s footsteps echo up the hall coming toward me like a ghost’s. When they finally stop, I can feel something weighing down a side of the bed that I’m still stuffing my face into. Aunt Lisa? Yes, it has to be. I look up and it is, she’s sitting there, stroking my hair and not hiding her eyes that are sheeted with a thin layer of water. Her voice cracks a little as she hums a little song, and I just stare at her. She looks at my hair longingly, like it’s hers to brush, and to hold in her arms. Like she’s my mom, and she deserves me. For a second I wish that it was true, that she was my mom. Then I realize that my mom IS standing there, in the doorway. Her eyes hold strong-ness that I recognize.
Strong-ness that I don’t want to know anymore. Then she see’s me looking and lays her hands that were crossed in front on her chest, down by her side.
“I’ll leave you two alone to talk.” My mom says in just barely whispers before leaving. Part of me feels the need to frown, be sad that my mom will n3ever have the chance to be a real mom to me. Not like the mom that Lisa could so easily be. The bigger part wants Aunt Lisa to keep playing with my hair, humming that soothing song and wiping away my tears.
“Her name was going to be Ashley you know?” Lisa says, and I can feel my heart drop. What is she getting at here? And what does it have to do with my mom?
“She was supposed to be born in March or April. I had a miscarriage just a little bit after they told me it was a girl.” A tear travels out from her eye, streaking a dark line of black down her cheek from the eyeliner she had been wearing. She wants to continue, but I don’t think she knows how. So I’ll help her.
“Why did I never hear about her?” then Aunt Lisa gets a little guilty sounding.
“Because your mom knew that she would never find the love that me and Daniel had, and when he died, she did everything she could to hurt me. Even naming you Ashley and not letting me have contact with you. I know I didn’t show it, but talking to you, and seeing you was one of the happiest moments I’ve had since I heard that it was a girl.” She says and I can feel a tear streak down the bridge of my nose. It all makes sense, my mom screaming into the phone, my parent’s distance, and my name that my mom always said she never liked.
“I’m sorry.” Is all I can say and she nods, laying down next to me.
“Your mom is going to have another one, another baby. That’s why she’s here to tell you and make that little green monster come out of me.” She says and I have a little bit of shock at the thought of my mom having ANOTHER baby, because she didn’t even like her first one. Of course abortion is going to be out of the question for her, and I can’t see her choosing adoption. Suddenly, I feel guilty. Another baby has to deal with Mom, not just me.
My aunt looks at me again. She takes her hand and wipes the under of my eye that is wet with tears. Then I can hear her thoughts in her voice.
“Do you want to live with me Ashley?” Lisa says and all I can think is.
“I can’t replace her…. I don’t think anyone can.” She nods and tears streak down her face, and then she sits up and wipes them away.
“I know you can’t, I just thought that you would like living here, you are welcome to. Just let me know ok?” Then she stands up and walk towards the door.
“Aunt Lisa!” I yell and then she whirls around.
“Yes?” she says and I can only think about the smile that is on her face.
“Yes, yes exactly.” And she smiles wider, and keeps walking out the door.
Five Weeks Later
My mom left and signed the papers to hand me over to Lisa. (Without any arguments too... a miracle) I still don’t know how Daniel died. I still don’t know what I’m going to do when my mom has the baby, but I have nine months to figure that out. Either way, I’ll be there for him/her. I still don’t know a lot of things. The one that hurts me the most though is that Jayden hasn’t been answering his phone, or jogging as far as I’ve seen. He wasn’t seen on the Fourth of July, and Melissa said she hasn’t seen him around for a while either.
“When you left he was destroyed Ash, saying that he didn’t try hard enough to keep you.” Is what she said. Even though she was happy to hear that I’m living in Cali now, her excitement couldn’t hide the fact that Jayden was hurt, really hurt. I’m dyeing to tell him that though he may not love me anymore, I still love him.
But until I get the chance I’ll still jog, in hope to see him. Maybe tell him about my mom’s baby, or the fact that she used me as a pawn in her game against her sister that has only loved her. Maybe I won’t have the chance to tell him anything, because he’ll already be kissing me. Oh, shut up, I know what you’re thinking. Quit dreaming? NO, I won’t and I hope that you won’t either. Hey, you never now. Maybe it was my destiny to have a short love story with Jayden, and not see him ever again afterwards. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll see him again.
I still have to remember though, I don’t know a lot of things, and Jayden’s one of them.
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