(Black and white propaganda film plays.)
Announcer: In the 1960’s the Americans landed on the moon; we even put a flag there. (Footage of the landing.) The Soviets were jealous of our success and started sending unmanned fighter planes into space.
Paranoid American: I’m a harmless paranoid citizen. Grrrraugggghh!
Announcer: The military controlled these planes from an area on land. They were constructed for the sole purpose of shooting down American spacecraft and satellites, as well as ruining democracy…somehow. (While he talks, very very fake scenes of satellites exploding occur, with plenty of tacky fire. A group of kids cry after a ballot box is toppled by a mysterious gloved hand.)
Paranoid American: I’m a harmless paranoid cit-, wait, I already said this.
Announcer: Congress retaliated by declaring war. (“President” declares war, congress members cheer.) Although our unmanned machines were, and still are, superior to the Russians’, it has become dangerous to travel in space. The enemy had also replaced the American flag with an evil communist sign. (Picture of agriculture and industry symbol superimposed with photos of evil things that do not relate to communism. Evil laughter comes from nowhere.) You may think it is superfluous to bring another American flag to the moon, but it’s more than just slight symbolism. It is MAJOR symbolism. We must keep what is rightfully ours. The enemy may be above us, but the war isn’t any further from home.
Announcer 2: The latest rocket was launched yesterday at 4 o’clock in the morning. (Video ends.)
(Megan, an American spy, is sleeping on a couch in a run-down apartment. She is watching a similar video to the one earlier, but it’s in Russian. In the background are parodies of famous propaganda posters, and ridiculous ones in general. Her shoe, in the hallway, rings. She is startled and, with the blanket still on her head, tries to find the source of the noise. There is a scene involving a lot of tripping and desperate searching. Finally, she picks up the shoephone. A robotic voice is at the other end and a screen on the sole of the shoe turns on. A happy face avatar comes into view.)
Megan: (Removes blanket off head. She speaks in a Russian accent.) Hello? (Or since this is Russia, Allo?)
Anon: You don’t need an accent when you converse with me.
Megan: What are you talking about?
Anon: Oh, I get it. You want to
know if it’s really me. Check your mail, the envelope with the red address.
Megan: They’re all red. (She holds a stack of solid red envelopes.)
Anon: The one with the blue stamp.
Megan: (Opens the specified envelope. A blank paper comes out.)
Anon: Put the note under the light from your secret pen.
Megan: (Takes out a feathery pink pen. When light shines on the paper, a picture of a bald eagle appears.)
Anon: Was there an eagle?
Megan: No.
Anon: Err…this is bad.
Megan: (Drops accent.) Just kidding, I saw it.
Anon: Good, now I can share the news.
Megan: No you can’t. How do I know my supervisor wasn’t tortured into giving you this information?
Anon: Because, as I said in our first meeting, I have a rare genetic condition that makes me impervious to pain.
Megan: Oh yeah, I remember. (Flashback sequence, Anon shoots himself in the foot nonchalantly.) And then you accidentally shot yourself in the foot with the martini shaker gun.
Anon: I’m still fixing the glitches in the gun’s design. At the moment, we have a new task for you. It’s related to the “Cold Space War Race.”
Megan: The what? (Hears a booming voice shout: “The Cold Space War Race.”) Got it! Any job you throw at me, I can handle. I WILL AVENGE THE KREMLIN!
Anon: Masha, you work for the U.S.
Megan: Sorry, this immersion into Russia as a way to blend in has gone to my head. By the way, do I have to be called “Masha”? It sounds like some sort of Hispanic dance. (Latin music invades apartment. She glances around, wondering where it came from.)
Anon: It may annoy you, but the name change is a vital measure.
Megan: Very well then. What do I have to do today?
Anon: There was an astronaut launched into space recently…
Megan: You mean the guy who has to stick a second flag on the moon?
Anon: Yes. The trip was scheduled at a time when the Soviets were temporarily out of the vicinity. A slight technical failure caused a long delay in getting off the moon, which was enough for the Russians to find the spaceship using their radars.
Megan: Is he okay?
Anon: The current situation is better than expected, but unless we can distract the so-called “ground troops”, there may be a problem. Since you have a fake ID that gives you access to the command centers in charge of the unmanned spacecraft, we selected you for the task. We also decided to raise your salary because of how hard the procedure will be. Who knows, you might be able to pay off that debt you constantly complain about.
Megan: The increased income is nice, but why do I always have to carry out the near suicide missions? There are other agents working at the same exact place!
Anon: True, but you are posing as a janitor. If your cover is blown we won’t lose any valuable positions.
Megan: I’m not valuable? (Tears up)
Anon: Get over yourself; you don’t even like espionage.
Megan: Yeah, until you mentioned the higher salary arrived, I considered betraying the U.S. and trading secrets with the Russians for a limo... and fuzzy dice… for the limo.
(Awkward silence.)
Anon: …Just complete the assignment. When you finish, run towards the nearest bus stop, then jump into the sewer system. Walk until you reach the edge of the city.
Megan: But I’ll be underground. I won’t know I’ve reached it!
Anon: Yes, you will. It’ll be when you feel like you’re about to faint.
Megan: Great, so I leave the sewers, anything else?
Anon: A helicopter disguised as a tree will be on the street corner. A certified pilot will steer you to the headquarters. There you can give us a debriefing of what occurred, if we don’t find out earlier.
Megan: That’s all?
Anon: Yep. Good Luck Masha. (Shoe phone turns off.)
Megan: (Stands in apartment.)
Megan: (Another scene switch! She rolls a trashcan down the aisle of a building and stops outside the entrance to the main room. She takes a mop and enters the room. The place has a black monitor that has a red dot, representing the Russian fighter rocket craft thingy, and a green dot representing the guy in trouble. She strolls up to the button panel with a sign: “Press this button to deactivate radar.”, and then an arrow pointing to a button. She does what the sign says. The screen turns off. She hears a blinking sound and sees the monitor power up again. She stares to her right and there’s a guy in the middle of the room sitting at a desk, typing on the keyboard.)
Megan: So…you are the ground soldier! (No reply.)(To herself) I’ll show him. (Taps the same key, radar dies.)
Soldier: (Completes a sequence on the computer, another blink, the monitor is reanimated.)
Megan: (Repeats action.)
Soldier: (Reverses the outcome of her action.)
(A mini battle goes on for a while, until a different guy enters the area.)
Commander (You can tell by his hat): Hey, stop pushing my buttons!
(Everyone pauses.)
Megan: Wow that was such a bad pun. I’m surprised I was ever afraid of your side.
Commander: What do you mean “your side”? I thought you were on our side.
Megan: Uh…
Commander: Arrest her, the janitor is a spy!
Megan: If you try to tear me from the panel I will punch you in the face… (Hugs the wall and looks at soldier.) I’ll punch his face too.
Soldier: No! I’ve already had one concussion.
Commander: Don’t worry, the secret police will take care of this. (Several policemen with machine guns are outside the room.)
Megan: Oh no! (Contemplates.) I can’t run; I could jump out the window, (Glances at the walls) Except that there ISN’T ONE. Hanging around will get me killed… there’s only one thing to do! (Randomly strikes the button panel several times.)
Random messenger: (Walks in.) What’s all the commotion about?
Commander: (Gestures to Megan, and no, not obscenely.)
Person: I see… By the way, your wife is on the phone.
Commander: Tell her to call me back later, I’m busy.
Person: She said it was important.
Commander: All right, put her on the speaker. (The giant screen is now blank. Yet another happy face avatars emerges, underneath it is the name Dessa Vanin.) Hello?
Dessa: I can’t believe you!
Commander: What?
Dessa: You forgot my dry cleaning and Inya’s birthday!
Megan: Who’s Inya? (Starts to freak out.) Why are there so many Slavic names that end in an “A”?
Commander: (Ignores Megan.) First of all, there are no dry cleaners, this is communism. Secondly, I know it’s her birthday, I just had work to do. Shooting at Americans isn’t something I can postpone.
Dessa: But it’s not only today; you’re never there for our daughter. Even when you are allowed days off.
Megan: Hey uhh…guys, I have a solution.
Commander: You stay out of this.
Dessa: Wait, what’s the girl saying?
Commander: Don’t listen to her, it’s nothing.
Megan: I was thinking of hosting the party here. You can bring Inya over and I could buy a cake from the bakery next door.
Dessa: That sounds nice.
Commander: (Acts annoyed.) Fine. If you want a party, we’ll have one. (To the police.) You can go.
Megan and soldier: Yay!
(Megan, the soldier, the commander, Dessa, and Inya, who is a toddler, sit at a table and eat cake.)
Commander: (Speaks to Megan.) I guess I could forgive you for preventing me from carrying out my mission.
Megan: Thanks, but I was the one on a mission.
Commander: Are you sure? I considered you the obstacle.
Megan: Really?… strange. (As a narrator.) I now realized that both of us had been in identical position. We were equally enthusiastic about completing our jobs and saw the other as an adversary. (To the commander.) You won’t be in trouble for this, right?
Commander: No. I’ll lie and say the radar was broken.
Megan: Speaking of which, I should leave soon. (Exits the building.) Sewer time! (Finds a manhole, removes the cover, and climbs down. A map shows her progress with a red line. Meanwhile, in southern Russia, a couple looks for kindling….)
Guy with an axe: Hey let’s cut down that tree for firewood, because this is after all commun—HOLY CR*P WHAT’S WITH THE TREE?
(The helicopter disguised as a tree flies away.)
Megan: Good-bye! (The actor may take liberties to insert an extra phrase or insult here.)
(Another black and white film plays.)
Announcer: Due to a government worker’s heroic actions, the astronaut involved in the operation to bring a second American flag to the moon was able to return safely. We do not know the identity of the agent, but the nation applauds their bravery and patriotism. Hopefully, the Cold Space War Race will conclude with the U.S. as the victor. (The last part is said slowly. Fade to black.)
The End
Announcer: In the 1960’s the Americans landed on the moon; we even put a flag there. (Footage of the landing.) The Soviets were jealous of our success and started sending unmanned fighter planes into space.
Paranoid American: I’m a harmless paranoid citizen. Grrrraugggghh!
Announcer: The military controlled these planes from an area on land. They were constructed for the sole purpose of shooting down American spacecraft and satellites, as well as ruining democracy…somehow. (While he talks, very very fake scenes of satellites exploding occur, with plenty of tacky fire. A group of kids cry after a ballot box is toppled by a mysterious gloved hand.)
Paranoid American: I’m a harmless paranoid cit-, wait, I already said this.
Announcer: Congress retaliated by declaring war. (“President” declares war, congress members cheer.) Although our unmanned machines were, and still are, superior to the Russians’, it has become dangerous to travel in space. The enemy had also replaced the American flag with an evil communist sign. (Picture of agriculture and industry symbol superimposed with photos of evil things that do not relate to communism. Evil laughter comes from nowhere.) You may think it is superfluous to bring another American flag to the moon, but it’s more than just slight symbolism. It is MAJOR symbolism. We must keep what is rightfully ours. The enemy may be above us, but the war isn’t any further from home.
Announcer 2: The latest rocket was launched yesterday at 4 o’clock in the morning. (Video ends.)
(Megan, an American spy, is sleeping on a couch in a run-down apartment. She is watching a similar video to the one earlier, but it’s in Russian. In the background are parodies of famous propaganda posters, and ridiculous ones in general. Her shoe, in the hallway, rings. She is startled and, with the blanket still on her head, tries to find the source of the noise. There is a scene involving a lot of tripping and desperate searching. Finally, she picks up the shoephone. A robotic voice is at the other end and a screen on the sole of the shoe turns on. A happy face avatar comes into view.)
Megan: (Removes blanket off head. She speaks in a Russian accent.) Hello? (Or since this is Russia, Allo?)
Anon: You don’t need an accent when you converse with me.
Megan: What are you talking about?
Anon: Oh, I get it. You want to
know if it’s really me. Check your mail, the envelope with the red address.
Megan: They’re all red. (She holds a stack of solid red envelopes.)
Anon: The one with the blue stamp.
Megan: (Opens the specified envelope. A blank paper comes out.)
Anon: Put the note under the light from your secret pen.
Megan: (Takes out a feathery pink pen. When light shines on the paper, a picture of a bald eagle appears.)
Anon: Was there an eagle?
Megan: No.
Anon: Err…this is bad.
Megan: (Drops accent.) Just kidding, I saw it.
Anon: Good, now I can share the news.
Megan: No you can’t. How do I know my supervisor wasn’t tortured into giving you this information?
Anon: Because, as I said in our first meeting, I have a rare genetic condition that makes me impervious to pain.
Megan: Oh yeah, I remember. (Flashback sequence, Anon shoots himself in the foot nonchalantly.) And then you accidentally shot yourself in the foot with the martini shaker gun.
Anon: I’m still fixing the glitches in the gun’s design. At the moment, we have a new task for you. It’s related to the “Cold Space War Race.”
Megan: The what? (Hears a booming voice shout: “The Cold Space War Race.”) Got it! Any job you throw at me, I can handle. I WILL AVENGE THE KREMLIN!
Anon: Masha, you work for the U.S.
Megan: Sorry, this immersion into Russia as a way to blend in has gone to my head. By the way, do I have to be called “Masha”? It sounds like some sort of Hispanic dance. (Latin music invades apartment. She glances around, wondering where it came from.)
Anon: It may annoy you, but the name change is a vital measure.
Megan: Very well then. What do I have to do today?
Anon: There was an astronaut launched into space recently…
Megan: You mean the guy who has to stick a second flag on the moon?
Anon: Yes. The trip was scheduled at a time when the Soviets were temporarily out of the vicinity. A slight technical failure caused a long delay in getting off the moon, which was enough for the Russians to find the spaceship using their radars.
Megan: Is he okay?
Anon: The current situation is better than expected, but unless we can distract the so-called “ground troops”, there may be a problem. Since you have a fake ID that gives you access to the command centers in charge of the unmanned spacecraft, we selected you for the task. We also decided to raise your salary because of how hard the procedure will be. Who knows, you might be able to pay off that debt you constantly complain about.
Megan: The increased income is nice, but why do I always have to carry out the near suicide missions? There are other agents working at the same exact place!
Anon: True, but you are posing as a janitor. If your cover is blown we won’t lose any valuable positions.
Megan: I’m not valuable? (Tears up)
Anon: Get over yourself; you don’t even like espionage.
Megan: Yeah, until you mentioned the higher salary arrived, I considered betraying the U.S. and trading secrets with the Russians for a limo... and fuzzy dice… for the limo.
(Awkward silence.)
Anon: …Just complete the assignment. When you finish, run towards the nearest bus stop, then jump into the sewer system. Walk until you reach the edge of the city.
Megan: But I’ll be underground. I won’t know I’ve reached it!
Anon: Yes, you will. It’ll be when you feel like you’re about to faint.
Megan: Great, so I leave the sewers, anything else?
Anon: A helicopter disguised as a tree will be on the street corner. A certified pilot will steer you to the headquarters. There you can give us a debriefing of what occurred, if we don’t find out earlier.
Megan: That’s all?
Anon: Yep. Good Luck Masha. (Shoe phone turns off.)
Megan: (Stands in apartment.)
Megan: (Another scene switch! She rolls a trashcan down the aisle of a building and stops outside the entrance to the main room. She takes a mop and enters the room. The place has a black monitor that has a red dot, representing the Russian fighter rocket craft thingy, and a green dot representing the guy in trouble. She strolls up to the button panel with a sign: “Press this button to deactivate radar.”, and then an arrow pointing to a button. She does what the sign says. The screen turns off. She hears a blinking sound and sees the monitor power up again. She stares to her right and there’s a guy in the middle of the room sitting at a desk, typing on the keyboard.)
Megan: So…you are the ground soldier! (No reply.)(To herself) I’ll show him. (Taps the same key, radar dies.)
Soldier: (Completes a sequence on the computer, another blink, the monitor is reanimated.)
Megan: (Repeats action.)
Soldier: (Reverses the outcome of her action.)
(A mini battle goes on for a while, until a different guy enters the area.)
Commander (You can tell by his hat): Hey, stop pushing my buttons!
(Everyone pauses.)
Megan: Wow that was such a bad pun. I’m surprised I was ever afraid of your side.
Commander: What do you mean “your side”? I thought you were on our side.
Megan: Uh…
Commander: Arrest her, the janitor is a spy!
Megan: If you try to tear me from the panel I will punch you in the face… (Hugs the wall and looks at soldier.) I’ll punch his face too.
Soldier: No! I’ve already had one concussion.
Commander: Don’t worry, the secret police will take care of this. (Several policemen with machine guns are outside the room.)
Megan: Oh no! (Contemplates.) I can’t run; I could jump out the window, (Glances at the walls) Except that there ISN’T ONE. Hanging around will get me killed… there’s only one thing to do! (Randomly strikes the button panel several times.)
Random messenger: (Walks in.) What’s all the commotion about?
Commander: (Gestures to Megan, and no, not obscenely.)
Person: I see… By the way, your wife is on the phone.
Commander: Tell her to call me back later, I’m busy.
Person: She said it was important.
Commander: All right, put her on the speaker. (The giant screen is now blank. Yet another happy face avatars emerges, underneath it is the name Dessa Vanin.) Hello?
Dessa: I can’t believe you!
Commander: What?
Dessa: You forgot my dry cleaning and Inya’s birthday!
Megan: Who’s Inya? (Starts to freak out.) Why are there so many Slavic names that end in an “A”?
Commander: (Ignores Megan.) First of all, there are no dry cleaners, this is communism. Secondly, I know it’s her birthday, I just had work to do. Shooting at Americans isn’t something I can postpone.
Dessa: But it’s not only today; you’re never there for our daughter. Even when you are allowed days off.
Megan: Hey uhh…guys, I have a solution.
Commander: You stay out of this.
Dessa: Wait, what’s the girl saying?
Commander: Don’t listen to her, it’s nothing.
Megan: I was thinking of hosting the party here. You can bring Inya over and I could buy a cake from the bakery next door.
Dessa: That sounds nice.
Commander: (Acts annoyed.) Fine. If you want a party, we’ll have one. (To the police.) You can go.
Megan and soldier: Yay!
(Megan, the soldier, the commander, Dessa, and Inya, who is a toddler, sit at a table and eat cake.)
Commander: (Speaks to Megan.) I guess I could forgive you for preventing me from carrying out my mission.
Megan: Thanks, but I was the one on a mission.
Commander: Are you sure? I considered you the obstacle.
Megan: Really?… strange. (As a narrator.) I now realized that both of us had been in identical position. We were equally enthusiastic about completing our jobs and saw the other as an adversary. (To the commander.) You won’t be in trouble for this, right?
Commander: No. I’ll lie and say the radar was broken.
Megan: Speaking of which, I should leave soon. (Exits the building.) Sewer time! (Finds a manhole, removes the cover, and climbs down. A map shows her progress with a red line. Meanwhile, in southern Russia, a couple looks for kindling….)
Guy with an axe: Hey let’s cut down that tree for firewood, because this is after all commun—HOLY CR*P WHAT’S WITH THE TREE?
(The helicopter disguised as a tree flies away.)
Megan: Good-bye! (The actor may take liberties to insert an extra phrase or insult here.)
(Another black and white film plays.)
Announcer: Due to a government worker’s heroic actions, the astronaut involved in the operation to bring a second American flag to the moon was able to return safely. We do not know the identity of the agent, but the nation applauds their bravery and patriotism. Hopefully, the Cold Space War Race will conclude with the U.S. as the victor. (The last part is said slowly. Fade to black.)
The End
Vagabond
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