Teen Ink on Twitter
Just comment on these two short poems below and I'll comment on tow or three of yours. :)
What shall I dream of
upon tomorrow's snowy night
and what shall I wake to in the morn?
The rough snow perhaps,
the cold of my bed?
Or maybe I'll dream of
a boy who lies awake
in the desperate nightfall,
wondering what his
dream will be.
As We Walk Atop This Winter's Night:
As we walk atop this winter's night
with but a childs' mind and pure delight;
we'll stalk the wind o'er lumber flues
and soar through God's linens of white.
And our faces shall mingle will snowflakes fallen
faraway from the warm bee's pollen
as we watch the banks thaw out with lust
our faces fading with age my darling.
Upon our exit from life--on a plane forgotten
we'll pass many o' birds disguised in cotton
and church bells will sound for the world to hearand church bells will sound for the world to hear.
I love both of them! The second one is so dream-like, it almost transports the reader to a new world. Could you possibly read my poem "Happy Birthday, Mom"? It's here in the forum!
I love the theme throughout of the colors white--snow, winter, linens of white, snowflakes, birds disguised in cotton. That was a good touch. Are you planning on connecting these two poems into one poem? There are definitely some distinct tie-overs for each into the other. That way, it finishes out the first one with more length, more depth, more understanding for the reader, and a nice life cycle of girl and boy to maturing into our faces fading with age my darling. I like the whimsical, magical glow of both poems. Interesting choice on words like morn, o'er, and o'. Was this intentional? I like it but was just curious. Also, you might not want to repeat our faces in the second to last stanza. Our skin maybe on the last line of that stanza? And did you mean to say and our faces shall mingle with snowflakes in the first line of that stanza? Anyway, aside from that, I really loved these poems. I love the way you pull things in like the wind, lumber, snowflakes, bee, banks, and birds. It provides great and vivid imagery. The soar through God's linens of white is pure poetry. Really beautiful. Definitely a mystic magic beneath these words. Lovely work. :) Would you please comment on my poems titled the Girl, An Icy Touch, and Wizard of Words?
Thanks and I'm about to go look at your stuff!!!!!
InkWriter13, I coudn't find your poem titled: "THe Girl"
Not sure what happened with it, so I guess I will resubmit it. It is showing up in the My Work tab but not on my account when you click on my name... Could you look at In the Library instead of the Girl?
Beautifully done on both! The first confuses me a little in the begining, is he dreaming of snow and a cold bed or waking to it? But im just being difficult, otherwise its great. The second i love your descriptions. I feel as if im there! I have no poems published, but my draft of a poem called "compromise" is on the forum under the thread title of "a poem im working on". Thanks!
Thanks!!! I just commented on your post.
These are both very beautiful! The second one is the most stunning in my opinion. It gives the reader a calm feeling and I love how you repeated the line at the end, it gives it more depth. If you could check out my new poem in the forums, "Pulse", I would really appreciate it! :)
I thoroughly enjoyed both of these, the first one, I really liked the way you used the idea of dreams. And for the second one, you have great rhythm and rhyme, very nice vocabulary, it was very enticing, I loved it. If you wouldn't mind reading a poem or two of mine, I would greatly appreciate it
Vidra, I commented on your post. Nice Job!!!!!
bigblue, for some reason i cant access your account--it takes me to a page that say "error 404". If you post one of your poems on the forum or even below this comment, id be happy to take a look at it. Hope to read your work soon!!!!
Weird, works when I click on it, but oh well haha.
Fire and LoveThere's a love everlasting,
Both good! i realy like the 2nd one, your a very good wirter. (you can comment on any of mine)