Teen Ink
teenink
TeenInk "I'm a firm believer in Karma." - Emma Watson in Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring featured at Cannes Film Festival... http://t.co/AtwVoR8xyT
Wed May 15, 2013 1:13pm Reply Retweet Favorite
TeenInk "If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it — I might be writing in my dreams." http://t.co/0FUP7fyJcB
Wether you are looking for ratings, feedback, or just something to read, this is the place to look. So please post anything that needs feedback here. I always leave comments!
Hey Sparkle1pops, you've commented on all my work so far, my old username was Confuzzled5, now it's DeanDavis, and I am a girl, Dean Davis is just my pen name.
Eternity
You barely know me.
I was the one,
Who no one could figure out,
I didn't know the word crush.
I was my own person,
I didn't care what anyone thought.
You barely know me,
But you have ruined me.
My heart beats so fast when you're around me,
I can't hear what you're saying,
When I want to hear every word.
You barely know me,
But the first time you touched me,
My heart stopped beating,
For the first time in my life.
I hate you,
For changing me,
But I love you for it too.
You barely know me.
I lose myself,
In your beautiful eyes,
You make me laugh all the time,
But inside,
I just want to cry.
You barely know me.
You look at me,
But not at the real me.
You talk to me,
But not to the real me.
You barely know me,
And from the looks of it,
It's going to stay that way,
For eternity.
http://teenink.com/poetry/all/article/509102/The-Ones-Who-Dance/
Thanks!
I love this poem! I like how there are two girls yet they are the same. It kind of reminds of the Golem scene in lord of the rings lol. The onlt thing I would change would be that you were a little repetitive. You might want to try staying away from that in future peotry.
I was trying to go for something new, I guess the repeating lines thing doesn't work for me, huh?
Hey can you read my poem "Inside the Body"? Give ratings and comments please:)
KimKendrick,
It works, its just that the repaeting line thing is so cliche. Maybe if you had the same line inside each verse instead of at the begining of each verse.
thanks, sparkle.
Could you check this one out for me? http://www.teenink.com/poetry/all/article/397932/A-Fools-Walk/
Kay, thanks for the advice, but I think I'll just go back to my normal style, this kind of poem isn't working out for me. Thank you so much though!
Actually, I think except for the last line, which can just be dropped and dosent need to be replaced, its awesome. I think "Know Me" is a great title
Wow, personal preference changes everything, you guys are basically telling me the opposite things!!! I'm confuzzled...
Haha, I suppose it is an example of differing tastes. So it falls to you, how do you like the repeating line? How do you like the last line? And is or isn't eternity (excuse me here) a little too forced a title?
Oh, I totally agree, Eternity was a terrible title. I usually change stuff based on what other people like, rather than what I like... Hmm, maybe I should rethink my priorities.
Angelic_Kitten_Guenyth,
I really loved that poem!
Here are some of my most recent poems.
Classified
I have been described as awful, fulfilling,
beautiful, putrid, depressed, unfortunate,
spoiled, different?
I have been classified as,”One of those”.
Yet still I stand firm on my feet, never
letting anything knock me down.
Afar Feelings
Depression and sorrow are far
they drove away in my car
with them traveled anger and pain
waving goodbye from the window pane.
On the northbound train travel
fear and abuse
they hitch a ride on the caboose.
The back to back flights are booked with
anxieties, and sob stories that no one ever bothered
listen too.
These feelings are afar, but still remembered in my heart.
The Midnight Castle
Through the howling wind travels the midnight castle.
It tries to escape from the city hassle.
It progresses towards a land far away.
In that land it hopes to stay.
Behind the castle walls there are secrets being whispered
by the hidden ones who know the tales of the Egyptian
pharaohs and the queen of the Nile.
They have been concealed for ones personal gain.
Just like the other treasures that are
slipped under the floorboards
or buried in the icy heart of the king.
This castle was built with lies and hatreds.
Each brick representing another misfortune.
Yet still it is a place loved by many.
It is a place thought of as holy.
This place is a scapegoat for ones sins and shames.
Majestic as it may be, this palace is not a place for you or me.
I Asked
I asked the professor to teach me chemistry
he said I didn’t have the brains.
I asked the coach to teach me the game
he said I didn’t have the name.
I asked the model to teach me to prance
she said I didn’t have the at-first-glance.
I asked the Ballerina to teach me dance
she said I didn’t have the stance.
I asked the man to teach me love
he said I didn’t have the romance.
So I asked someone to teach me something
and they said I didn’t have a chance.
Also feel free to post on this with articles from other websites.
“If I Were Sane at 0”
If I were sane at 0,
I would have freed myself from
future woe.
I would have isolated myself before
I could go.
My heart is entwined
with yours, oh!
the pain forever destined
to follow.
If I were sane at 0,
I would have willed death before
I could grow.
I would not hesitate,
never slow.
My heart was opened
at birth, oh!
how I wish it
stayed hollow.
If I were sane at 0,
I would have had more
strength to show.
I would now be among the
ashes, low.
My heart was innocent and
tender, oh!
my tears would not have been
meant to flow.
If she were then also sane,
She would have quickly
done the same.
She would have gladly
left life’s game.
She has at last gone
away, late!
assuming death
as her fate.
You are senseless to the pain of your shove.
Sigh.
It was not my choice to love.
For clarity, '0' is the age of zero. What do you think?
Of these 4 poems, I liked 'Afar Feelings' the best. What inspired you to write it, if I may ask? It's the perfect balance of letting go and remembering feelings best left alone.
"I Asked" was nice as well, but I think it lacks some structure. The rhyme scheme isn't completely clear, and some more advanced vocabulary would add professionalism.
"Classified" was okay. It felt like it was an introduction, not a full poem, like an elaboration is needed.
"The Midnight Castle" is unclear to me; I don't understand the meaning of the poem, so I feel I can't really critique it.
I really think this is a great piece. I tink that you might want to stop focusing on the rhyme scheme though. It kind of takes away from poem. Besides that the only other tig I would suggest would be to change the formating, its kind of confusing. All in all good job :)
