Teen Ink
teenink
TeenInk "I'm a firm believer in Karma." - Emma Watson in Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring featured at Cannes Film Festival... http://t.co/AtwVoR8xyT
Wed May 15, 2013 1:13pm Reply Retweet Favorite
TeenInk "If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it — I might be writing in my dreams." http://t.co/0FUP7fyJcB
I tried to make this short and to the point.
Spiral
My mom says
Take life
As it comes
One
Shaky
Baby step at a time
Pain will fade
Days will pass by
Tears will fall
It all falls
Spinning
In a downward spiral
This is definitely short and to the point! I really like the story. Here are my two cents:
1. Maybe say days will pass instead of days will pass by in the third stanza. This just might help it flow a bit better.
2. try picking a different word for fall in the line "tears will fall" (maybe spill or drop?) There isn't much use of repition in your poem so the proximity of "tears will fall" to "it all falls" is a bit much.
Hope this helps! love this, normally I don't like the use of the word it (especially when closing a piece) but this is so general and all inclusive that "it" really works! great job, keep writing :D
Try to fit the words into a consistant rhythm. Right now its progressive to the point but like praise_pray_write said changing a line or two would help it flow. Otherwise it was a pleasent read. ^_^
