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I am writing a story and I need some help editing this and I need to know where I went wrong. here it goes:
"It has to be her," the boy with the white blond hair and ocean blue eyes said.
There was a girl standing next to him--a petite, tiny little thing really--and she looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Who do you mean Peter?" she asked, looking around the room, even though there was nobody left but me.
"Her," Peter said, nodding at my direction.
I tried to keep my eyes fixed at the computer screen, pretending to be minding my own business, which was kind of a hard thing to do when they were standing so close and talking so loud, their voices echoing off of the wood paneled walls of the library. On the other hand, since they were talking about me, I supposed I did have the right to eavesdrop.
So far, all they had agreed upon was that I was too tall, looked too old, and needed to gain a few extra pounds. The usuals.
"You said that about the last girl too," the girl was saying, shaking her head incredulously, yet there was something very kind about her smile, and something very soothing in the soft lilt of her voice, that made me think she was comforting him.
"I know its her," Peter insisted, his voice urgent. From my angle, I could only see a profile view of his face: handsome and angular, with sharp, chiseled features. His skin was pale and flushed from the cold outside, and there was an almost insane glint in his eyes as he looked me up and down the way one would look at a racing horse.
The thought made my skin tingle--not with anticipation and certainly not admiration; I've had my fair share of good-looking stalkers asking me for my number--but because it really was true. There really was something unnerving about the brightness of his deep blue eyes. Something...mad.
"Just look at her," Peter went on. "She is absolutely ready. I bet I can have her by the first tick of midnight."
The girl turned her gaze on me, and I tried not to squirm. I was getting more and more uncomfortable by each passing second...and I was afraid. I had grown up listening to and watching with my own eyes how dangerous certains types of strangers could be--picking up and torturing innocents simply because that was their twisted vision of the world. Maybe, if I had been raised in an ordinary family, I wouldn't have been so anxious--always watching my back, always on alert.
Casually, I started gathering my papers and kept listening to their conversation, that strange sensation of tingling underneath my skin getting more intense by the minute.
"The last one's aunt was a cop," Peter said. "If she hadn't got herself involved...."
"Well, this one's parents are on the law force too," the girl said, cutting him off mid-speech. "What makes you think they won't get themselves involved for their only daughter too?"
Peter was saying something back, trying to defend his case, but for once I wasn't listening, my mind reeling off into another direction. I was caught up in two important things--one: they knew about my family, which meant they must have kept tabs on me for a long time; and two: if the intervention of a cop had disturbed whatever it was they had been trying to do before with the "last one", then whatever they might have planned for me couldn't be anything good.
I was right. These two were dangerous.
On that cheerful note, I shoved in everything I had into my bookbag, a can of pepper spray ready in my pocket and my house keys held firmly in my hand (keys could be lethal weapons). Without wasting a second, I rushed towards the door.
Faster that the eye could see, Peter came up in front of me, blocking my way. Unable to stop myself in time, I slammed right into him like a cannon ball.
"Ooomph!" I gasped, my breath knocked out of my chest. It was like hitting a brick wall.
A pair of strong hands wrapped around my arms, holding me in place and keeping me from falling over...as well as forming an iron cage around me.
"Are you okay?" Peter's voice sounded genuinely concerned. "I didn't hurt you did I?"
"Yes, you did," I spat at him through gritted teeth and finally looked up, glaring....only to find all of my anger melting away to awe and fear. Even though I had seen him just a few minutes ago, the sight of him upclose was...it was like looking up at a clear blue sky where the sun hid shyly between the clouds, its golden rays falling down on earth like blessings sent from Heaven. Wierd as it was, that was the first image that came to my mind when I saw him--an image of natural perfection. Unreal and almost magical.
He looked like the sun too--a bright, burning star. From the distance he had seemed colorless, washed out. Standing in front of me, he seemed to be radiating light, soaking in all the brightness from his surroundings until it faded to a background and there was only him. The white blond of his hair didn't seem so white anymore, and his eyes reminded me of winter and Atlantic--as deep as the ocean and as blue as waves trapped beneath layers of ice. How could I have ever thought this angelic boy could be mad? Or frightening? Or....
What the he11?
I shook my head and gave myself a mental kick, all thoughts of stars and oceans vanishing. This was wrong.
"Move away," I said sharply, cursing my complexion for making my blush so obvious.
Peter looked taken aback, his eyes widening slightly with confusion...and something else...but it was there and gone before I could put a finger on it. Unlike me, he regained his composure in an instant, flashing me a lazy flirtatious smile and said, "I really hadn't meant to hurt you. How about I make it up to you and buy you a cup of coffee?"
An automatic "get lost" came up to my lips, but then I thought about the girls who had antagonised psychopaths like him, only by saiyng a small "no". People like him didn't handle rejection well, not unless they craved it and thought it made the 'chase' all the more exciting.
I thought immediately of the large, heavily crowded cafe, open twenty-four hours and right across the street from here. I thought of the owner, Mrs. Grey, and how the back of her cafe led to long corridor with a number of doors and twisting halls, confusinf and disoreinting enough for a stranger to get lost. I thought of only one door, the last one on the left, and how it led straight out of the building on to the shortcut path to my house.
"Okay," I said, sighing as if he had been pleading for so long and as if I was finally giving in to him, "But it has to be a place of my choosing."
Peter smiled, the look on his face leaving me momentarily breathless. "As you wish it...." he said, trailing off and giving me a questioning look, silently asking my name.
"Elizabeth," I said, my voice trembling as I shook his hand. Peter grinned and repeated:
"As you wish it, Elizabeth."
Okay for some reason the paragraphs got posted really wierd. There was supposed to be more space here....
really? really twin? blond hair and blue eyes? *sigh*
any way there was one ting that bugged me and it was where you used the word "too" consecutively in two sentences.....it just sounded odd......except for that it was pretty cool.
I am not really a big fan of blond hair and blue eyes (unless its jullian ofcourse) but this time i had no choice...and i still feel something'f off here? Maybe its peter's description? Its kinda wierd for me to describe a guy, so help me out there a bit twin.
p/s: i had a dream about u and abrar
it was like looking up at a clear blue sky where the sun hid shyly between the clouds, its golden rays falling down on earth like blessings sent from Heaven. Wierd as it was, that was the first image that came to my mind when I saw him--an image of natural perfection. Unreal and almost magical.
He looked like the sun too--a bright, burning star. From the distance he had seemed colorless, washed out. Standing in front of me, he seemed to be radiating light, soaking in all the brightness from his surroundings until it faded to a background and there was only him. The white blond of his hair didn't seem so white anymore, and his eyes reminded me of winter and Atlantic--as deep as the ocean and as blue as waves trapped beneath layers of ice
Okay ewe! I am reading it over again and my stomach twisted with the first two lines and I am like "eek! i can't be writing this". Its all BS twin. Help me! How can u say its pretty cool?
okay so maybe it a bit like the short story on ash and M-lynn ........ i dunno......why are you making it so cheesy? i mean come on twin.....oh and speaking of nw did you read the sample chapter from strange fate.....ohhhhh.....ccant wait for it to go out..
ps. check ur email.