An Informal Open Letter to Lady Gaga

To say I find you wholly offensive would be a vast understatement. Why, you may ask? Well, I’ll tell you right now.

Let’s take this from the top: your early songs. They’re all about having sex with random guys and clubbing. Wow, how supremely unique! Only like every other female pop artist in the history of the planet Earth.

To set yourself apart from the crowd, you feel the need to dress “outrageously,” wearing everything from meat to bubbles. How edgy! Oh sure, it’s not like any other celebrities have done that before, or done it better. I can only think of around three hundred who did, off the top of my head. Good for you!

At this point we’re starting to notice something: you’re essentially a wannabee Madonna. Every song about sex, wearing crazy outfits– everything you do is exactly like what she did back in the eighties. Weird Al Yankovic’s parody of your song pokes fun at this fact in the music video. Yeah, you’re so completely original! Give me a break.

Then, suddenly, you gain a big following in the gay community. Why any LGBTQ-identified person would like you is beyond me, because you’re basically pretending to be an ally and using them as a cash cow. Out of nowhere, your songs go from being about partying and f***ing dudes to all about BEING YOURSELF! “Be yourself!” you preach, as you base your entire career off of never showing your true colors. “Be yourself!” you say, as you dress up like some sick caricature just to get people’s attention. Yeah, be yourself, unless you can wrap yourself in some s****y tin foil and make few million dollars. This message, coming from you, is almost like a twisted joke.

This is digressing a little, but if you’ve ever watched Rupaul’s Drag Race, you’ll notice the drag queens who impersonate you, Lady Gaga, never win the “Snatch Game” segment (interestingly enough, the first time my mother saw you, she though you were a drag queen). The queen could look like a carbon copy of you and they wouldn’t win. Impersonations of people require knowledge of that individual’s uniqueness and personality. By speaking and acting the way that person would, the impersonator is far more entertaining and believable. These queens can’t win as you. They never know what to say. Who can blame them? Nobody knows your personality. You’re too busy singing about utterly inane topics and being an eyesore to convey any remote amount of charisma, uniqueness, or personality.

But, wait. Hold the phone. You’re a BISEXUAL now! Even though you’ve never mentioned it before you gained this gay following, you’re allegedly bisexual. Well, I suppose that just validates everything you have to say for LGBTQ people! Gee, thanks for perpetuating the stereotype that all bisexual girls are attention whores. At least you didn’t claim to be pansexual and perpetuate stereotypes even further.

It is disgusting to me that you even attempt to take a stand for pride in who you truly are when everything about you is phony and manufactured just to generate revenue. It is repulsive to me that you milk the s*** out of a community, taking advantage of the fact that they are in need of positive role models who can understand their plights and stand up for their rights. The fact that many gay people can’t see how much you pander to them and use them just to acquire cash is actually sad. The LGBTQ community has been through enough garbage. The last thing they need is you using them and fooling them into thinking you’re some sort of great ally. You’re a terrible ally. Supporting people just so you can drain their wallets? You should be ashamed of yourself.

I’ll admit, you have some catchy songs and clearly you understand the business of music well. You have a relative amount of talent. But any positives you possess are overshadowed by how much you sell yourself out, take advantage of people for money, and present yourself as something SO TOTALLY ORIGINAL when in reality you’re just another Madonna, and a lame one at that.

Very sincerely,

A too-young-to-be-bitter broad with a chip the size of Saturn on her shoulder