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The Not So Giving Tree

By Dazed, Teaneck, NJ

The Giving Tree. Doesn’t that sound lovely? Some bubbly, heart-warming guy must have come up with that one. How nauseating. It makes me sound like some kinda’ saint or something. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m the finest tree you’ll find around, but I’m no saint.
This entire hullabaloo began when some kid came running by my trunk one day and decided that I had been waiting my whole life to sacrifice myself for his petty needs. The sappy version of our encounter says I actually asked HIM to climb my branches and play with me and bla bla bla. I guess to an observer it could have looked that way, but all I said to the boy was, “Go away and leave me alone.”
Perhaps you’re thinking I was a bit harsh on him, however I was really enjoying the quiet of that fall day and wasn’t looking for company. You would think that he would have gotten the hint but that twerp decided instead that “Go away” meant “Please climb on me and crawl along my trunk like a pesky termite,” so up he came.

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