What do sandcastles, ice sculptures, and those cakes from The Food Network show Ace of Cakes have in common with high school relationships? If you answered, “They are all completely unnecessary and only last for a short amount of time,” then you are correct. Quite frankly, high school students have absolutely no concept of how to truly care about another human being, because romance in high school does not exist. High school relationships are nothing but ephemeral unions between high school girls and guys which essentially create an awkward between the guy’s friends and the girl’s friends which drive entire male and female social circles into unnecessary resentment for one another. From an evolutional perspective, teenagers sacrifice every sophisticated behavioral condition and surrender every rule of polite society in reverence back to their barbaric tendencies. For example, when a guy shares a sacred male bond with his fellow male peers, primal instincts kick in when a member of the opposite sex snatches him away. Whereas we should deal with this in a mature civilized manner, we automatically have a particular hatred for this female, so we shun her, as well as all of her friends from our social gatherings out of vengeance for stealing one of our own.

Inevitably, most high school relationships begin and end with one preferred method of communication since nobody actually speaks anymore….text messaging. From across the classroom or the hallway for that matter a male spots a female, (or vice versa), finds out their phone number and they begin chatting. Bombarded with simple text jargon, they unveil enough about each other (because high school students are tremendously deep and articulate when texting OMG lol ;)) and decide that they want to begin the infamous public displays of affection. Quite frankly, nothing makes my day more than seeing the actual gum and saliva transfer from one brace-faced teenager to another one who sucks each other’s faces third period, at the same locker everyday like clockwork, right when I pass by. It should be a school rule that all public displays of affection are treated like cell phone usage; to be banned in all visible venues throughout school, but nobody will really nark on you in the bathroom. When a precious high school couple does not have their hands all over one another for all to see (much like two monkeys that everybody sees mating in the zoo) they spend the majority of their relationship fighting and bickering over absolute nonsense. Frequently heard questions overheard in the hallways include, but are not limited to, “Why does your mother hate me?”, “Why do you text him all the time?”, “Why do you friends hate me?”, and the classic, “Can you please take some of your clothes out of my locker?!”

This takes me to the next phenomena of high school romance… the shared locker. It is the high school equivalent of moving in with one another. Before you know it a single locker contains a ridiculous amount of sweatshirts, books, shoes, backpacks, water bottles, and cans of tuna fish for all we know. It is as if the nonstop text messages and public displays of affection do not validate the existence of a true couple already, the single school residence does. They have to empty their respective closets in a single two foot by 6 foot space only to further disorganize an already notorious high school black hole. When a couple feels as if they are to take the next step, they solidify their meaningless companionship with cheap jewelry and empty promises. Half the time a poor guy ends up paying $100 (or more)for a bracelet or earings that a girl won’t even like, while the same guy is stuck wearing around a low grade timepiece on his wrist, that he does not even like. These tokens of “love” only delay the inevitable breakup of the couple and create regret. For instance, now the poor guy has to wear a claw machine caliber watch, and must stifle his vomit in the presence of his girlfriend wearing his $100 investment, which he wishes was better spent as gas for his car. It is the thought that counts, right? After all, 17 year olds are totally mature enough and emotionally stable to experience true love and everything. What is love anyway? I for one am convinced that high school students are capable of loving three things only… fast cars, loud music, and Taco Bell (or other fast food). Perhaps this generalization makes me shallow and emotionally deficient. Perhaps my peculiar penchant for pain causes me to denounce all relationships and question the validity of the “L” word. Perhaps my belief that I am destined to walk the earth alone for the rest of my life (like the incredible hulk), has closed my mind to the concept that a possible companion exists for me. Or perhaps my cynically shallow philosophy on relationships is attributed to my degree in “bachelorology” which I earned from countless hours of analyzing and denouncing juvenile relationships. Either way, I will always stick to my ideal demographic for women… 35-40 year old divorcées.