Yesterday, I travelled. I'm eighteen without liscence, without I.D, without any real path. College is starting in a month and a few days, tell me I care and my lips fly into a smirk. I know I'm messed up. There's no excitement within me. No fear. There's no excitement within me. No joy. There's no excitement within me. No emotion. I thought of being a mole-on a person's face, visible and distracting. A mole-burrowed beneath underground passages that smell of damp earth, wastes, and coolness.


It was Wednesday when I kissed a man who made my pulse flutter like a useless butterfly against my inner skin. I fell asleep against him and trembled for a moment when I awoke and saw his gold, gold eyes. I can never fall in love again. I never knew about lips, not until he pushed his gently against mine and choreographed a dance of mouth and mouth and tenderness.
I woke up the next day, licked lips dried by sleep and tasted him. I sighed and wandered outside in the early morning. You know you're messed up when you tell a complete stranger-a man who smells like three different types of smoke and alcohol and sweat-that you're troubled, depressed, and lonely. Messed up, you can smile when he calls you "pretty."
Today, I picked up a cheese Combo that fell into a thick, slick puddle from a dog's mouth. I forgot to wash my hands for an hour or so...but I did hear that dogs have cleaner mouths than any human being...I watched Sweeney Todd-twice-and showered once, I rubbed my skin red with a towel after.





I looked into eyes too blue to be believed and felt love for two seconds. Called my mother and then, cried because I missed her. Wanted to tell those blue eyes that I loved them and him who had them. In two seconds, I hated him.
I fell asleep crying. I wanted my father and he was somewhere else, buried beneath death. I wish he was a ghost, I wish I were Hamlet. You know you're messed up when...you want to be a character in a tragedy.
It's maybe two in the morning now. I can't sleep. I went outside and it was cold from new rain and the sun's sleep. I walked around and found a tiny little flip-flop in the grass. It was pink and yellow and so small, it fit right in my hand. I had one like it once with a little white flower on top. I smiled.