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A Cake for Washington

Elle C., Sacramento, CA By PuppyLove16, Sacramento, CA

“Charlotte! Go get a dozen apples, or so, from the cellar!” Miss Belle called down to me. “Yes Ma’am!” I hollered back, and traipsed down the steps of the porch to the cellar. It was a beautiful day out, the clouds were white and fluffy, looking like the tails of bunny rabbits, and the sun was shining down, like God was smiling down on earth. I opened the door to the cellar and paused a minute as the cool, musky air washed over me. I trotted down the stairwell and gathered as many apples as I could in my apron. Just as I was about to turn around and make my way up the stairs, I felt a rough hand cover my mouth from behind, cutting off my yelp, and a strong arm circle around my waist. Then I felt cold hard metal against my neck. “Be yeh a patriot?” growled a low, gruff voice. I nodded yes, even though it was a lie. In a girl versus man with a big knife situation, man pretty much always won.

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3 comment(s)
This was really good!!! i think you should work a little more on the time period. maybe a little more backround. but i loved your story!! keep up the good work! -a very very good friend who eats wayyyy to much chocolate
Jan. 31, 2013 at 10:18 PM • Report
Not a bad story, but I think it definitely needs more room. If you wanted to extend it into a novel, I’d say go for it! If not, just a longer short story would be alright. Plus, I did get a little lost at times, especially when that one paragraph ended so abruptly. I’m guessing that some of that was just a technical error with the copy and paste, but either way you should fix it up. And if you do get a revised copy, why don’t you show it to me some time? I thought this story was very imaginative.
Jan. 20, 2013 at 7:21 PM • Report
Thanks so much for your feedback! You're right, the paragraphs ARE a little weird. I think that next time I submit something, I'm going to do waaay more editing and not hurry myself :)
Mar. 05, 2013 at 10:41 PM • Report