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Idiots

By CammyS, Papillion, NE

The bell rings and I spring from my desk, stopping only at my locker before I rush for the doors. The weekend is waiting, a crisp fall weekend none the less.

“Say Maddie-”

“No.” I respond curtly and keep moving, brushing past the pimply boy with disgust. The idiots at my school will take the slightest pause as interest in their pitiful cause.

“Maddie, I was wondering-”

“Nope.” Don’t talk to anyone, they’ll take it as weakness. Don’t make eye contact. They’ll sense a malleable spirit and rush in for the kill.

“Hey! Wait up!” Before I can respond, a perfectly manicured hand reaches out and grabs my arm, twisting me back to face my attacker.

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24 comment(s)
AthenaMarisaDeterminedbyFate
This is really good! I like the character's opinions of other people in her school, and how she looks down on them. You really know how to give a protagonist human flaws, and it made this a good story!
Dec. 15, 2012 at 8:37 PM • Report
CammyS
Thank you!
Dec. 16, 2012 at 8:44 AM • Report
KnitsandPurls
Overall, you had a wonderful, meaningful idea and exucuted it smoothly. There were several bits that were very stereotypical, however. "Cheerleader? Check. Blonde hair and a makeup obsession? Check. Boy crazy? Oh yeah." This sort of thing has been written a million times before. I especially loved the part about the texting. I would love to see a more fleshed out ending. Thanks for writing this! --KnitsAndPurls
Dec. 08, 2012 at 12:23 PM • Report
CammyS
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I do agree that some ideas were steryotypical, but that's how I wanted my character to seem. Because she's so much smarter than everyone else, she looks down on them and is rather steryotypical in her discrimination. I did love writing the the texting! Thank you so, so much!
Dec. 08, 2012 at 5:33 PM • Report
CammyS
Thank you so much!
Dec. 06, 2012 at 7:42 AM • Report
weaselruler
Arg, sorry that comment is so confusing, it didn't pick up my line breaks.  Also, just wanted to say that I liked your writing style a lot and it's a good little story.
Dec. 05, 2012 at 10:05 PM • Report
weaselruler
Paragraph by paragraph: 1:  I would delete "none the less" 2:  comma after "say" 3:  change period after "contact" to a comma so parallelism is established between the 2 sentences 4:  nada 5:  Love the first sentence.  Maybe delete "here" at the end 6:  The writing is fine, but I'm confused, you said the hand grabbed Maddie to face her attacker (the pimple boy) but the attacker is really Laney.  Clarify. 7:  nada 8:  nada 9:  Change "it's so much simpler..." to "it would be so much simpler for us all if I did..." 10: nada 11: nada 12: (starting with "I arrive home") I think you should italicize the TV show names rather than put them in quotes.  It would actually be just as effective if you deleted the specific names and just kept the nonsense part.  Love the bedroom description. 13:  Change "escapes me"  to "escapes from my mouth" or "my lips" or something because you ended another sentence with "me" 14:  Change "could"s to "can"s 15:  Comma or semicolon after second "idiot" 16: nada 17:  comma after "hey" 18/19:  I don't know if I like the ending.  It seems really sudden.  Maybe include one more sentence, or something like "and as the words fly into my ear, I begin to think maybe I was wrong about the real idiot"
Dec. 05, 2012 at 10:04 PM • Report
CammyS
Thank you for the advice, weaselruler. I enjoyed the ending myself, but I did struggle with it a lot when I was revising. I couldn't make the change in Maddie to sound natural and really flow well. I agree with you on the TV show names, it would have sounded better if  I had left them out. Thank you again! 
Dec. 06, 2012 at 7:41 AM • Report
Atl.Braves03
I liked the coming into-ness of the story. I'm glad the character changes in the end. My only thing to mention would be that the actual change happens really fast. One second she thinks she's the greatest and the next she's changed. It's just a small thing and it's more of an opinion than anything else. Anyways, it was a good read. I liked it :)
Dec. 05, 2012 at 9:14 PM • Report
CammyS
Thank you for reading!  And as I told mysterySanity and weaselruler, I had so much trouble with that ending, its a wonder it's not ten times worse. You know how it is, once you've been through something that many times, you're completely biased. :) 
Dec. 06, 2012 at 7:45 AM • Report
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