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Ocean Breeze

By WSwilliams, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

“Are you going down to the ocean?”
I glanced up as I ate my breakfast of semi-burnt toast with marmalade, a glass of milk, and a bowl of runny oatmeal. My mom stared at me, waiting for an answer.
“Ruby, Are… you… go… ing… down… -“
“Knock it off Mom!” My red hair swiftly whipped around as I said that. “I’m going okay? Don’t treat me like a little kid.” I puffed my cheeks until they were bright red, a chipmunk holding nuts in her mouth. Honestly, Mom worried too much.
“Okay! Sheesh! You don’t have to yell Ms. Grouchypuss,” she exclaimed. “I was just wondering if you need me to tag along.” When she called me “Grouchypuss”, it struck a nerve. I wasn’t in kindergarten and I was going to start middle school soon.
I half - heartedly gulped down the bowl of oatmeal (which had gone cold and felt like pig slop), drained my glass of milk, and stuffed the rest of the toast in my mouth.

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3 comment(s)
Nice story! I'd fix some grammer mistakes here and there, but that was basically it. I didn't really understand what was going on with the (the water flows and flows) I couldn't tell if that was some "oceany" way of saying time passed or what.
Nov. 02, 2012 at 7:02 AM • Report
This was so nice to read. You're obviously very creative and I was glued to the screen from the first sentence. However, there were some grammar mistakes in this, and at some point your tenses switched, and then went back which was a bit confusing to read. I really loved the idea of people under the sea, but it annoyed me a little how calmly she reacted - I was expecting her to completely freak out.
Apart from that, I thought this was truly great :D 
Nov. 02, 2012 at 5:52 AM • Report
I cannot tell you how much I loved this. First, the people below the water were not mermaids, but humanoid, and there weren't any singing crabs and evil octopi (unnecessary commentary about the singing crabs). The writing was wonderful, with enough descriptions to give you a clear picture of what's happening, and not too many adjectives. My only advice would be to clarify the link between what she is imagining and what is real, because I was confused when she got the necklace. I thought she had been making it up. Othwise, this was amazing :)
Nov. 01, 2012 at 8:00 PM • Report