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Not Your Life

By LinkinPark12, Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

What if I told you your life was a lie?
What if I said someone was controlling your life using technology?
What if I said this is happening to you right now?

“Why are there no stars anymore?” The girl in the screen asked, shivering in the brisk air whilst gazing into the night sky.
“I don’t know, but they’ve disappeared for a reason, I’m sure,” her father answered. “Now we must go back inside, it’s time to sleep.”
The girl obediently followed, eyes still locked on the plain blanket that covered her world. Her mind was racing, with possibilities of disappearing stars ricocheting through her had like rockets. The screen slowly went dark as the pair retreated to bed.
“We took out the stars in her world because they seemed to be giving her ideas of adventure,” Mikela growled, pacing back and forward in front of the blank screen and around the room.

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2 comment(s)
WonTonFred1
Proof read is really all the advice to give on this one. The stories good and I like the little girl at the begining. But instead of just bringing the reader straight to the guy in charge you should have developed the characters a bit more. Have a flash back when the people in charge were taken from the dream and trained to guard peoples dreams or something that would be super awesome :D. But once more you need to proof read this thing some more there are alot of grammar mistakes and it take you out of the moment.
Nov. 05, 2012 at 10:26 PM • Report
LinkinPark12
Thanks for the advice :)  I will try to do what you suggest if I choose to develop this story :D Sorry if there are any grammar mistakes, I write so many short stories that I could later develop as real stories and I'm not very good at proof-reading :/ I will try and improve though :)
Nov. 06, 2012 at 1:05 PM • Report
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