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Flower Girl (revised)

By KenyaLove41This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time., Dallas, TX

As soon as her bare foot hit the lush grass, she felt every inch of her anxiety slip away with each step she took. Turning around, she quickly slid shut the glass door with one hand and in the other held a thickly woven picnic basket.

Sarah breathed in a huge gulp of air and surveyed the expansive surroundings before her, which told that winter was swiftly fleeting and spring was soon emerging. She walked farther and farther away from her house down the sloping hill towards the massive oak tree that humbly wait for her just on the edge of her plantation. Bright patches of colorful wildflowers surrounded the oak's gnarled roots which stretched out then sunk deep into the rich soil.

At last Sarah reached her sacred spot, tossing her picnic basket onto the ground and collapsing onto a bed of blooming white peonies.

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11 comment(s)
TopaztheArticulate
Okay, when I saw the title of this story, I thought it would be a pleasant story about a girl and her garden. I was wrong. Interesting plot, you mostly hold the reader's attention, but you are sometimes wordy. Also, several grammatical mistakes mar the story. Finally, I think that the way you tell the story is almost too passive. The climactic moments don't feel that way sometimes because of the way the story is told. Try narrating in first person.
May. 14, 2013 at 10:05 PM • Report
Krasota
I LOVED THIS! It reminded me of Hansel and Gretel at some parts. :D Original idea and great story!
May. 04, 2013 at 6:55 PM • Report
Hanban12
Wow, very impressing. Loved the plot and you had very vivid descriptions that captured perfectly well in my mind. Please wright more :)
Apr. 13, 2013 at 9:20 PM • Report
Amaranthinium
This is a very good story, and I liked the plot a lot. Your descriptions are good, but in some places they are a little too much. You don't need to use big, fancy words or extended similes all the time, especially when you're describing something simple like your character lyng in the grass or walking into her house. Also, you might want to brush up on comma rules and punctuation in general, especially of dialogue. As I think someone else pointed out, there are a lot of run-on sentences. Remember most of all to vary your sentence structure: some sentences long and complex, some medium, some short and simple. You also mixed up words like "they're, their, there" and "than/then." Remember that they're is they are, their is possessive, there is a location; than is usually used with comparisons and then usually refers to time or action. Check for mistakes with these and other easily mixed up words. Your plot is very interesting, though, and I like the idea of the flower talking to the girl. I personally could go for a little more explanation about why they talk to Sarah, why they know about the Bone Witch, and who exactly the Witch is. Making readers do a little of guessing is fun, though trying to come up with a little bit more background could lead to some really cool revelations about the story for you, and make an even more memorable story. I hope you keep writing, though, because you're clearly on your way to being super-amazing at  it :)
Apr. 07, 2013 at 1:17 PM • Report
NiaraTiara
This story was really good! I enjoyed it a lot! The plot is very intriging and it keeps the reader interested. I also liked how the wording was very descriptive.
Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:14 PM • Report
holly1999
I liked this story. It had good imagery and vocabulary. I love the description and I really like how you developed the plot. However, I did notice that you could have included more commas or short sentences to help the story flow more. But other than that, great work.
Mar. 22, 2013 at 12:51 PM • Report
E.J.Mathews
I really liked this story. It had really nice imagery, and vocabulary. I did however find a few mistakes, which I felt hurt the overall quality of the story. Nonetheless, I still think that it was beautifully written. You did a good job, keep it up
Mar. 21, 2013 at 11:30 PM • Report
WhenItRains21
First off, LOVE the description. You did a wonderful job with that. However, sometimes you're a bit wordy; it's better to use one powerful word than to use two weaker words. 
Grammatically, I noticed a few errors, specifically with commas. Some of your sentences end up being run-ons; all they need is a quick comma.
I thought the plot was good. It was new and refreshing, until I got to the part about the Bone Witch's army of the dead. The story almost had a fairy-tale vibe to it, with the witch and the children and flowers, but the army came across as quite cliche. 
One last thing. You described Sarah's character very well. I feel like I know her motives and her actions. However; show don't tell. Towards the end, you wrote Sarah's plans were thwarted and "now she felt angry and extremely helpless." Show her anger and helpessness, don't say it outright. Describe her balled-up fists trembling in outrage, or the pang in her gut whe she realizes she doesn't know how to save the children now. I hope this part makes sense. 
Also - what happens to the witch after Sarah teleports out? I feel like that's left too open.
Overall, it was a very intriguing story with an interesting plot and a captivating character!
Mar. 21, 2013 at 9:55 PM • Report
Something.
 It’s pretty good so far.  You seem to have a good grasp of mechanics. Some minor things though. You can be a little redundant with your word choice.                 Ex. “morphed and transformed” “amazed and dazed” “imploding; exploding” –not redundant as much as conflicting meaning. (Imploding= inward, exploding =outward)           Remember to put a common when having more than one adjective describe an object. “dull incessant hum” You can test when you need to do this by switching the adjectives. If they don’t change the meaning, put a comma.           Other times you are fine. “Cold, chiseled” give the statue two descriptions that add to imagery instead of two synonyms.                 The weakest part was the plot. It seemed to move a bit quickly which made the sequences of events less natural. The beginning is fine. Very lax. She’s lying down in a bed of flowers. Some supernatural stuff happens. She talks to her mom and figures things out pretty fast (a little too quickly). Time passes, nothing significant. Then BAM. She’s teleported, given a life or death mission, rescues kids, and escapes before a witch can kill her. Too much at once. Know what I mean?                 I know short stories are supposed to condense everything, but the plot demands chapters. Sarah’s character definitely needs to be explored. Her responses to everything seem a bit Mary Sue. She acts how just a bit too calm, too accepting, too good. Not your fault though. It’s hard to give depth to characters within a short amount of time, but a little more internal conflict wouldn’t hurt.
Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:31 PM • Report
Ellie M.
This was pretty good, very descriptive, but I think you need to show character emotions a bit more. You should try and describe more about what sarah was feeling when she found the dead boy but other than that its a really good story
Jan. 27, 2013 at 8:39 AM • Report
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