Why? Why am i the one who has to apologize for my actions while others can do worst to me and act plainlessly as if i don’t have emotions of my own?
Why it is bad when i want to be me? Why can’t anyone except me as a whole? Its hard, living life being ignored all the time, its so hard and sometimes i wish to give it up.
I hate emotions because no one ever bothers to care for mine. I’m as invisible as a ghost.
Being a ghost fits me perfectly, only words hurt me but no ones can care or see me yet i can touch them and give them a disturbance to their body, i can hurt them. Why can’t people understand, I’ve spent my whole life being accused of something and no one knows that deep inside of me is a victim.
I don’t care for others because no one cares for me. It gotten to a point where everything is nothing and nothing is my everything. Pain is nothing to me, not physically. I can endure it all, I’ve built a shield so thick that it’ll take years for someone to see me struggle.
My trust issues, however are real and there’s nothing i can do to make it any thinner in reality than what it already is.
I have no heart, it’s still on the floor, broken and shattered in pieces that seem invisible to the naked eye. I’m always the role of the demon, the murderer, the b****. No one tries to understand how i feel because to many people, my life is nothing to theirs.
I can understand that everyone has a story, just waiting to be told. Through their eyes life is just a book being written, every minute is a new word, every hour is a new sentence, every day is a new page and every year is a new chapter.
How come i always end up as the one who’s left out, ignore and forgotten? How come..?
At this moment i can feel the moisture in my eyes slowly growing with sorrow, ready to leak and drip off my chin. But i can’t show that I’m weak, I’ve spent most of my life being weak.
I was to weak to stop the rape, i was to weak to stop the fire, i was to weak to end my own life...
Now I’m stronger, i can stop bad things from happening and at this point in life everyone is on their own. Love is fun, love is great but is it worth lowering your shield? My trust issues are so bad that i can’t even trust myself...
I question life and i question the value of love. I wish to explore death, find the knowledge that only few have gain but couldn’t report.
So many religions, every different religion has a different conclusion, but which one is right? Are they all wrong? Could it be that the all may be right? That your religion decides the path?
I question everything.. I know once i ask why there’s something wrong with me. I wish someone knew me so well that they can understand.
Is that the reason why I’m typing now? Hoping someone to try to sneak a peek at how i feel and understand? I question myself all the time... Hoping that i can figure a cure to the feelings I’m going through and maybe i can be what i truly want to be; emotionless.