The average whale would be flattered to be the emblem of a popular clothing store such as Vineyard Vines. Although I can’t read a whale’s mind, I’m asking you to pretend I do, be quiet, and just listen. What would you feel like if you were on just about every piece of clothing seen in the “frat” places in your city? Pretty popular, I bet. Sadly, there is no clothing for whales to try on, and they have no idea how well known they are becoming by the majority of douchebags wearing them on their shirts each day. These douchebags walk around like they are above everyone else, due to the fact their shirt has a whale on it and that the shirt is made of some sort of “special cotton” we people have never heard of. Their personalities are so selfish and snobby, you can almost smell the amount of d*bag, like a new cologne in your local Abercrombie and Fitch, as you make your way to the back of the dark store with the flashlight on your cellphone. Whales would also be thrilled to be on a popular clothing line because they are usually used to describe an insult.

“Did you see what Sarah was wearing today? That shirt emphasized her fat so she looked like a whale!”, an ego driven cheerleader might say.

Although wales might be nice to look at on a cruise or at SeaWorld, to me, whales are not the best animals to be on your T-shirt as you trudge through the week. To me, whales are exactly like Bruce Jenner.

When they are far away, someone will say “Oh cool! Bruce Jenner is across the room from me!”
But as Bruce Jenner comes closer, you realize “Ew, gross. Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgery makes him look like a rare species of cat you would find on a video game or in the Amazon Rainforest. Whales become more disgusting as you get closer to them. Their blowholes may be cute from a distance, but probably contain some kind of bacteria due to being in their body that could turn you into a lizard, or some unknown species, much like Bruce Jenner. Their teeth are covered in various sea residues, such as shrimp penis, and covered in appalling whale spit. Basically, someone like me would not want a whale on any of my clothes. The reason why Vineyard Vines never used an amazing animal such as a sloth will always cause me to continue to question humanity.
Uniforms were never a huge problem for me. Consisting of sandy khaki pants, a white undershirt with an extremely itchy tag, and a large polo shirt that was as dark blue as the Pacific, which made it well equipped with the khakis, uniforms are only a mere problem of my regular day. The only thing that I was overwhelmed with was my Sperries. Untying at least ten times a day, it almost seemed like they were purposefully trying to trip me down the stairs and shatter my collarbone. Who knew shoes could be impeccable evil masterminds. Although I would’ve enjoyed wearing whatever I wanted each day, some people take it a tiny bit too far. For example, a couple years ago, a girl casually came to school with an electric guitar around her neck. It was middle school, so my friends and I would see strange things involving fashion each week due to students desperately to fit in. In fifth grade, I remember I wrapped my arm up in a cast for a day just to get someone to notice me, so I could sit with the cool people and get at least a drop of attention, if attention came in liquid bottles.

I asked the girl why she was carrying a guitar around to all of her classes. She responded with “Because I’m a rock star.”

“Why don’t you bring a pencil tomorrow? Then you could be a student, and it would make a heck of a lot more sense.” I thought. But, like most days, most of the intelligent witty things I think of never leave my mouth, which, during this little episode, left me stranded with nothing to say. I simply nodded to her, and added a face palm due to her stupidity the moment I was out of her sight.

It amazes me how big of an impact the fashion industry has on human beings. The first victim I saw was on July 5th 2012. I would’ve called her attractive, if it wasn’t for her spray tan that made her look like a talking apricot. An apricot that was abandoned in the street, and left on the side of the road. You could tell by her posture, clothing, and intelligence that the other fruits in the basket left her on her own, because she was too fake. So fake, that if a pear could talk with an efficient vocabulary, it would simply say, “This lady bears a significant resemblance to my late relative, the orange, who was mutilated by a kitchen knife last night. I honestly think she looks more like a fruit than a human being, which is truly embarrassing.” You should always feel bad about yourself if a talking fruit ever insults you. Her light blonde hair was obviously worked on earlier in the morning, using whatever product Cameron Diaz advertised on this lady’s television the night before. She, like most people, failed to use it as nicely as Ms. Diaz, making it look as if Viona the Ogre sneezed on it herself. Her nails, much like the rest of her body, looked like IKEA manufactured it. She was going to order some kind of White Girl High Maintenance Latte in a few minutes. This so called “lady” was patiently waiting behind an innocent old lady, whose slow choice of beverage was close to her slow choice of speed while sitting low behind the wheel.

People simply try too hard to look too well. Especially women. Fake eyelashes prove my point. Women spend eons shaving and desperately trying to get hair off, when in a few days down the road, they will deliberately put hair back on. So many men and women tell me to be myself when they might as well be peeling off an invisible “Made in China” sticker. Something like that is even more ironic than being killed by an ambulance. Cheerleaders and models personalities and bodies seem so fake and plastic, that they were shipped to their family in a box and hammered together. It is silly how important it is to look good. Homeless people have the right idea when it comes to clothes. They just throw on whatever clothes they want without caring about the importance of them.

When it comes to looking well, hygiene should be the only important factor. I would rather take a swig of Listerine than change into an apricot any given day of the week.