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A Walk in the Park

By Angel R., Brooklyn, NY

A Walk in the Park
One day, there were two people walking in the park on June 14, 1945. Sally and John were madly in love with each other and planned to spend the rest of their lives together. They weren’t married however, they still wanted children. They were both very happy until one day something bad happened.
Sally and John decided they wanted to go to the park for a walk. They ended up staying out until about eleven thirty at night. Sally was having the time of her life. She was on break from college for the summer. Sally is a beautiful, twenty year old. She was wearing a pink and black sun dress with black high heels, a sun hat, and a little black purse. She had brown curly hair and a face you couldn’t stop starring at. Sally goes to college full time. She loves school and plans on becoming a teacher, when she finishes college.

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1 comment(s)
The story has the potential to be so good! I noticed that you jump from past to present tense a lot, and your sentences are really choppy. Also, I wasn't sure why the theif wanted revenge; it felt like that was thrown in there. Just keep working on giving the story a little more structure and it'll be great!(:
Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:48 AM • Report