How Did We Get Here? | Teen Ink

How Did We Get Here?

August 26, 2015
By Anonymous

We were friends for two years. We weren't the best of friends, but we were close at one point. He was a few years older than me, and we bonded over similar interests like hiking and our love for animals. I can look back to the first time I met him and wonder how we ended up here?

Flash forward two years, and we're here. We're in a long distance monogamous friends-with-benefits, whatever that is. I don't even believe the 'frieds-with-benefits' label accurately defines us either. I don't believe anything can really. 

I used to like him so much a year ago. I remember it all started back in my last semester of high school. He had liked me before then too, I just didn't know it at the time. We were flirtatious, and it was always a back-and-forth kind of thing between us. Neither of us told the other how we felt, of course, but I think we both could have guessed it eventually.

The beginning of summer things came to a head. I spoke my mind and said what I wanted to.I told him how I used to really like him. I still liked him a bit around this time, but nothing like before. 

Following that encounter, our talks waned until mid-summer. He told me he didn't want a relationship becaue he could easily like multiple girls at the same time if said girls came into his life, and that was reason enough to not seek relationships. I was taken aback by the rawness of his answer, but I knew he was right. It wouldn't be fair to me, or anyone for that matter, to be put in that kind of situation.

He knew that I liked him, and I knew that he liked me. We went for a talk one day, and the night ended blissfully, but in a array of uncertainty. We kissed and we reconnected. We hadn't talked like that in months. I didn't know where that was going, but for the first time in my life, I wasn't planning it all out.

Right before the end of summer, things escalated. I did things I never would have thought that I would do. I did what I wanted to do though, and I went with the flow. I learned something valuable that night too; I didn't like him anymore. I loved him as a friend, cared for him like I would anyone else, but I did not like him the way that I had. I couldn't see a future with him, and I wasn't going to go seeking the unattainable.

That night left us with an unclear road. I don't know where this is heading, but it's what I currently want. I feel like I'll meet my regrets, and I'll welcome them in. I don't want to look back and say that I wish I had done this or that. Not this time.

So yes. That is where I am. I don't know how we got here, and we are both quite surprised that I even initiated this. We are a monogamous pair who aren't in a relationship that used to/still likes each other (on his part, and mine to a degree), and it's all long distance till winter break. We don't know where this is headed. I'm not sure if we want to know. 

I don't know if I could ever like him as I once did, or if he that is something I'd even want. What I do know is that something changed inside of me, and I won't shy away from it.


The author's comments:

If you have ever been in a similar situation or have a piece of advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. 


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