Looking back to the start of things reminds me how far I have made it in this life. That is so nice to me, and I am sure anyone could relate. When I look back, all the hard times come rushing into my head, and that is when I realize I made it through. It is never too late to become the person you always hoped you would be.
    

Life will beat you while you are already down, and sometimes it will feel impossible to move on. To pick yourself back up and continue moving forward is easier said than done. I think of the times I suffered the most, and now I cannot help but smile. “I am better for it now,” I tell myself. I am my own universe of pain and suffering; of light and joy. I am so many things, and with struggling with depression and anxiety, I have learned how to be a better person for it all. It is the dark that allows me to appreciate the light, and I have learned it is appropriate for one to thank themselves. No one will actually know everything we do for ourselves, we hold secrets with us that we will take to the grave. There did come a time when I could not appreciate the sunset no matter how long I stared. There is so much beauty, and it is a terrible thing to have it all in your hands, and all you can do is stare blankly. Peace was something that did not come easy to me anymore.

A frustrating emptiness haunted me, and it was almost as if I could feel the large empty space inside myself somewhere. I could feel something missing, and it felt so important. It’d grab me by the heart, and shake, and shake, and shake. My depression did not need reason, and there was nothing and no one to blame. Learning how to be a good friend to myself came to me in pieces, with time. Time heals most wounds. For a long time, I focused on turning the hurt into love. To love life because what is not to love at the end of the day when the sun always goes down. Now, I have countless beautiful pictures of the sky. Now, I can thank myself for not giving up and appreciate my bravery. It takes courage to become the person you know you’re meant to be. It truly is an act of bravery to pick yourself up over and over again, despite the fact that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring. The very fact pushes me forward. Living life takes guts and courage. We pick ourselves up regardless, and we thank ourselves later. Living life is a bravery act, but even if I am afraid, no one will ever be able to tell.
I am from Texas. I grew up in a pretty big town, where the people live uncomfortably close together in neighborhoods. A huge shopping mall precisely and only 2.1 miles from my home. All the people would make me anxious sometimes. I feel as though I experience things in an entirely different and odd way, I constantly wonder what life is like from the perspective of another. It seemed I had always struggled with myself, but I learned to love myself and along the way I found a little piece of heaven. My little piece of heaven is outside of city limits, where all the noises that crowd me disappear. I found such great peace in nature. As a little girl, I would always climb high up into trees just to make myself comfortable and get away for a while. Or just to prove to myself that I could climb higher and higher each time. That sometimes did not end well on my long way down. It makes sense that I would want to study Forestry now, and oddly enough, that is one thing I am sure about. The pressure of deciding what you wish to do for the rest of your life can be pretty frightening for a sixteen-year-old in high school. It was not until my family trip to Arkansas, The Natural State, that I realized how much being surrounded by nature affected me. I felt so at peace being up in the mountains, more than I had ever experienced. My father and I both agreed it was much easier to breathe.

Seventeen now, and I still find myself struggling from time to time. Life is a rollercoaster that never seems to end, but throughout the ride things will slow down, and you will experience the most beautiful views. I have learned it is best to appreciate the little things, and it is best to let go of what is out of your control. But for what is in your control, for the things you can change, the only thing that will ever get in your way is yourself. So often do I see people who are stuck, frozen in time as if the fear of living petrifies them. That is no way to live. I look to myself, and I know I am afraid. Constantly putting my life on pause to try and get myself back together. My beautiful, stubborn mother once said to me, “But life doesn’t have to be so complicated. We are simple, aren't we?” though she wasn’t  asking. It is true, we are simple. Living is easy if you're living an honest life, if you follow your heart. So again, I sought the courage and bravery I needed to move on with my life, to finish school and continue to the next chapter of my story. I began to work on my relationship with my Mother and Father. I was going to make the best out of what i had, because what I had was pretty great: understanding, and open minded parents, a beautiful family that cared. All I ever had was all I could ever need.

 I am proud to say that now I am better, in all aspects. In every way I could ever want. Once I began to focus on bettering myself and what truly mattered, things started to feel easy again.  Life is never going to stop getting in the way. And sometimes what we need in life is so obvious. Everything I went through, everything I experienced, it all feels like I knew that’s how it was supposed to happen. This is life, we do things not knowing why, and not knowing there are forces working all at once. We do things, almost knowing, but never realizing. Because how could we? We won’t know any better until the mistake is made, and the lesson is learned. I realized the only way to continue growing was to never stop living. This is my endless journey, and I will never stop fighting.