Purity | Teen Ink

Purity

January 14, 2017
By nicolecleary BRONZE, Middletown, New Jersey
nicolecleary BRONZE, Middletown, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Happiness is an idea, or at least that is how it appears to me. I have not felt true happiness in a long time. This thought alone even diminishes my hopes of one day reaching that level of happiness. I am content with where I am in life, but something is missing. I crave to feel happiness, to be able to experience that raw, unbiased truth. The feeling where you are unable to stop smiling and your face hurts and you tear up from the immense joy filling your entire being. I want that, more than anything, but I do not have that.


I imagine it may just happen. One day I will wake up, and I will have this feeling, I will understand it once it arrives. Nothing different will happen, I will go through my normal day, but I will feel different. In the morning, I will appreciate they way the light color of the creamer swirls with the deep brown of the coffee, and as I shower, I will feel all the droplets of water cascading over my skin, and it will feel right. I will feel as though I belong here, as though I want to belong here.


I have felt happiness in my life. There are certain things in this world that will fill me with a feeling I cannot exactly describe, yet never overflowing like I wish it would. As stated, I am content with this for now. I enjoy the way the weather changes, but I am not talking about the perfect 80 degrees and a sunny day. I enjoy when a storm hits. It shifts the day within seconds. The rain starts the drizzle and before you know it, it is a downpour cleansing the entirety of the earth. As thunder and lighting compliment one another, peace fills me as I know they are fulfilling what they are meant to. This is nothing man made, nature works on its own and we are mere spectators along for the ride.


The human mind brings me a joy like no other. Each and every one of us has a brain, and they are all unique. My brain does not work the same way as my neighbors, and vice versa. No two minds are alike. I display emotions differently than anyone else, and this makes me who I am. My fears and my dreams and my triggers are all my own. Not a single person is able to have a mind that works the same as mine. We all feel differently. The raw emotion that courses through my veins will forever fascinate me. My view on the world is for me and only me. This makes me unique.


I do enjoy to delve into the inner workings of the minds of others. Someone’s fears, to be specific. I enjoy knowing what their worst nightmare may be. This may be the only thing holding them back. What brings them discomfort and anxiety? How do they cope with these feelings, or do they refuse to acknowledge them altogether? Do they hide from what has the power to truly crush them, or do they approach it with open arms?
Nothing can truly hurt us. The illusion of the world we live in protects us from our fears. Yes, things frighten us, like the dark, the unknown, or even ourselves, but none of it truly matters. If you do not give it the power to hurt you, it never will. Living in fear is a way this is achieved. You never get close enough to your fears, thus never giving them the ability to inflict real damage. My greatest fear is myself. I distance from myself in order to stay safe. If I delve too far in, I am at risk of feeling something, something I may not want to. If I did not fear myself, maybe I would feel something again.


Pure and unrequited happiness is a dream of mine. I do not know if I will ever achieve this goal, but as for now I can hope for a future where I feel nothing but happiness. I dream of a future where I do not fear myself, where I am able to accept myself with open arms, much like others have done for me. I hope that if I am able to do this for myself, I may be able to do it for others. I wish I could love others, but I am not at the point where that is achievable. There are always strings attached and fears of what may happen, but one day there will be none of that. I will be able to give my all just as others can, and that is when I will know I have reached pure happiness.



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