To Be Different

I am a fourteen year old homeschooled girl with an all-organic, sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan diet. I’m unusual, and I’m proud of it- but I didn’t always feel that way.

A few years ago, I didn’t want to feel like I was different. I already was- after all, not everyone is homeschooled. But at that point, being homeschooled was the extent of my differences, and since it was something I’d grown up with it seemed normal enough to me. Besides, my cousins, sisters and best friends were homeschooled along with me. The eight of us hung out all the time, and we fit perfectly together.

But when my mother began making changes in our diet, I felt like that was going far enough to make me different. She had been doing vast amounts of research on conventional food, and found out about the unexpected health risks of things most people eat daily. Before long, we began to cut out foods with artificial, refined and harmful ingredients.

At first, I was okay with it. My aunt and best friends’ mom were making the same changes, and since I had no other friends outside of our little group, there was no one but my extended family to feel different around.

Eventually, though, the changes became so drastic that only my family- and my gramma- stuck with them. Suddenly I had to bring my own food to my best friend’s house. I also began making new friends, and when I talked with them I felt embarrassed by my diet.

Wherever I went I felt embarrassed. We brought coolers of our own food to those all-day summer cookouts, and I always felt incredibly self-conscious as I ate my homemade banana cake instead of the bakery cake at a birthday party. I was torn- I knew the food I ate was healthier than what everyone else was eating, but I also wished that I could be like everybody else.

I suppose my embarrassment came partly from my insecurity. I was young and cared what others thought of me. I was as obsessed with making friends as some teenage girls are with boys. And on top of that, I had major guilt and worry issues. I worried about things most people wouldn’t even think to worry about, and I went on guilt trips over things most people would forget about in two seconds flat.

All in all, I was a knot of guilt, worry, embarrassment and longing for something outside of myself. I was sure that if I could only make that perfect friend, like the ones in books, everything would be fine.

But then I began to grow up, and I made more friends. None of them were what I’d envisioned as a best friend, but with them I was able to have fun.

The summer of 2009 was an amazing summer. I began to take pride in my differences, and I think that came about because of the people I chose to hang out with. They were- are- all homeschooled, and they are all different. I didn’t feel like such an obvious misfit anymore- I belonged.

I still had that social longing, though. That summer we got together with homeschoolers at the park and beach at least every week. That autumn, I began ‘dating’ my first boyfriend. (Who, I might add, is now one of my best friends, even though we’re no longer a couple.) For us, ‘dating’ went no farther than putting an arm around the other’s shoulders, but that was enough for me.

My life was beginning to feel ‘right’, and eventually I began feeling like I was no longer searching out friendship with such a crazed longing. And in fact, most of the people I met in my search for friendship I now consider to be acquaintances, not close friends. I’m no longer quite as close as I once was with my cousins, especially since they started going to public school, and up until recently my former best friend and I were no more than e-pals.

I no longer need to attend every homeschool get-together- in fact, more and more and I find that I prefer to be home: reading, writing, crafting and just being home. And above all, I finally feel comfortable with myself.

And it’s no longer just my family, gramma and step-grampa who eat differently. Some homeschoolers I know also eat differently, and one of my best friends is a vegetarian and has been for over four months now. He and his mother have also been making an effort to buy organic and otherwise healthier food. It’s incredibly freeing to have someone my age to talk to about food-related subjects- things I normally can’t discuss with people- and I’m grateful that we get along so well.

Overall, I’m content with my life. I know that all of the dietary changes my family has made are beneficial to our good health. I have some very good friends, but I don’t need to see them all the time- I’m content to stay home, too. Though I may be different, I now think of that as a bonus. I no longer shun my differences- I take pride in them. For me, it’s fun to be different- being unique isn’t something I detest, it’s something I enjoy.

I like to think that means I’m growing up.