Mehndi and the Matrix of Marriage

Line upon line upon line upon line, the dark design decorated the palms of her hands like an enigma. Intricate swirls, braids, and tendrils rippled in every which way, creating a captivating conundrum; a mystifying work of art. Coils, paisleys, and exotic flowers sprouted from the left and the right, adding more to the mystery. Overwhelming dots and bands and spirals left no patch of skin unadorned.
This tessellation tattooed on her skin was mehndi. It was her wedding day, and I, a guest at the festivities, watched as she made her way down the aisle. With her face hidden beneath an opulent veil, and her body covered by the iridescence and dazzle of her vibrant Indian dress, the only part of her visible to me were her hands – mesmerizing hands coated in an intricate, rapturous red mehndi. The rhythmic and vivacious poundings of the dholak guided her courageous step, as she inched closer and closer to the start of her new life. The sweet chime of her payal complemented her climb up to the altar, reminding me of her innocence. The room suddenly hushed; they lifted her veil – she looked upon her husband-to-be for the first time.
Arranged marriage, though a treasured tradition in Southeast Asian and Islamic cultures, has been met with unmerited contempt in American society for quite some time. Born and raised in America to parents who had an arranged marriage, I have come to find that these matrimonies are simply misunderstood. Indian and Middle-Eastern parents believe their children to be their most precious possession. They, therefore, do not allow their sons and daughters to leave them haphazardly; they choose who their children are to marry, and spend a great deal of time and effort in search for a perfect match. Critics claim that this harbors artificiality in the affection between two people, but I, having grown up around friends and family all with arranged marriages, have only ever been witness to genuine and wholesome love. And though I have a hard time seeing myself agreeing to an arranged marriage, I cannot deny their legitimacy; it just takes a little understanding.
Understanding arranged marriage is much like deciphering designs of mehndi. While it is hard for most of us to fathom marrying someone we know only little about, the concept actually invites a very appealing mystery. Much like the enticing mystery inherent to mehndi, the bride’s arranged marriage engenders an intrigue that is not comprehensible at first. Looking at a bride’s hands, upfront one just sees an ornate, fanatical design; only upon closer inspection do the connections and truths in the motif reveal themselves. Similarly, the bride and groom go into their marriage not knowing much about each other, but over time, they unravel each other’s secrets and they discover why they were meant for each other.

While there have been stories about abuse and striking incompatibility in arranged marriage relationships, we must realize that this happens in choice marriages as well. All relationships really are a gamble, but understand still, that in arranged marriages, the stakes are higher. Arranged couples have to try and make their marriage work because it is through them that their parents’ reputation is upheld. Therefore, there is genuine commitment in these relationships – commitment that lends itself to the growth of a beautiful love.
Furthermore, it is a known fact that couples with arranged marriages are less likely to separate. This is because the conventional marriage, or at least marriage as we know it, entails two people, who have known each other and loved each other for a length of time, joining themselves in holy matrimony. However, these two have already uncovered everything there is to know about each other – from one another’s cute habits and secret quirks, to past history and future aspirations – there is nothing new left to learn. This couple has also likely done everything with one another; marriage really only gives them an excuse to live together, have children, and obtain marital benefits. There is no mystery in this relationship, there is no allure – love is there from the get-go, so the marriage is transparent and straightforward. The arranged marriage, on the other hand, provides a platform as complicated and esoteric as the coils and tendrils of a mehndi design for the husband and wife to get to know each other and actually develop a fascinating love. It is also expected that the individuals involved in an arranged marriage have not yet felt true love for another person, so the love they experience in their marriage is unadulterated and authentic. No one has broken their hearts before; no one has entranced them with love’s compelling pull – they experience it all in the pure, safe confines of their arranged marriage.
My cousin Saima married Goharr a few years back. Saima was born and raised in Pakistan, and Goharr, a man her parents chose for her, was Canadian. The two had very different upbringings and were seemingly unalike, so at the time, I did not know how their marriage would last. Today, however, they are one of the happiest couples I have ever seen. It is true that they struggle at times, and do not have much money, but they certainly have each other. My email is constantly swamped with charmingly cheerful pictures of their family – pictures in which Saima and Goharr’s love for each other manifests. There is never a sign of insincerity or disagreement between them, and when they call me, the joy in their voices is contagious. There is Saima who is urging me to come visit her in Canada, and Goharr and baby Afroo’s voices in the back shouting: “Yes! Yes! You have to come see us!” I only think that if their marriage were not arranged, the two may have never met and never created such a wonderful family.
Saima and Goharr are also not the only pair of their kind. The tales my grandmother used to tell me of her and my grandfather made me crave a love as extraordinary as theirs. Like something out of a movie, my grandparents’ arranged marriage fostered a love that involved fleeing countries during times of war together, and staying with one another when their house was ransacked and their lives threatened. Both the relationship of my grandparents and my cousin involved challenges, but they worked through them like true, loving couples. No doubt, these arranged marriages were far from artificial and ill-fated.
Like the color of mehndi that runs deep, so does the love between two people who previously did not know each other. Arranged marriages work because the love in them is profound – it grows from something more than physical appearance and compatibility; it grows from the honesty of the heart. I am not trying to encourage anyone to get an arranged marriage, and I am in no way attacking the validity of a love-marriage, especially since the latter appeals to me the most. But my culture is often criticized for encouraging arranged marriages and I believe it is because people are just seeing these marriages in the wrong way. It is true that they are hard to understand, like the patterns created on an Indian bride’s hands on her wedding day; but like mehndi, arranged marriages are beautiful and enchanting too. Like a free-handed design, they are unique; and like a tattoo, they can be permanent. Arranged marriages introduce a new kind of love that can exist between two people, something unconventional, but wholesome and genuine nonetheless.