On April 7, 2014, Texas Tech student, Terry Aki, was delivered a 1 billion dollar check for having the perfect bracket for the 2014 March Madness Basketball Championships. When interviewed Aki stated, “I just picked which mascot would win in a fight, a fight similar to Mortal Combat.” Then he continued by saying, “If the mascots were on different playing fields such as, the Texas Longhorns vs. the Michigan Wolverines, I would give them super powers to balance everything out. The powers include: underwater breathing, the power to harness fire, the power to command lightning from the sky, and the power to turn someone into a grapefruit.”

Statisticians are mortified by the fact that such a statistic nightmare was solved by such a simple picking mechanism. Tim Burr, statistician and underwater basket weaving legend from the University of Stanford, stated in a press conference, “Statisticians like me are absolutely befuddled by the outcome of this young mans bracket. You have a higher chance of winning the lottery twice and this kid just won the Mega Million and the Powerball without even buying a ticket.”

When the Commissioner of NCAA Men’s Basketball was asked, “Can you believe someone won your 1 billion dollars based off of the strategy who would win in a fight?” He responded with a somewhat bitter tone, “No.”

Aki is still attending Texas Tech with intentions on majoring in Communication Studies and leading the Red Raider Student Section at their collegiate hockey games. He says he’s going to use his money to pay of his student debt, to help his father with his gambling problem, and maybe invest in the stock market with companies such as Enron, Facebook, and Abercrombie. He also plans to run for political office in 2016 alongside the Hilary Clinton campaign. His final statement in his interview, “I may have all the money in the world, but that doesn’t stop me from living the YOLO life and partying with my fraternity bros. ??? out.”