Teen Ink

Thank you so much for your imput! I have added some details and fixed some of the action scenes so they wouldn't feel too rushed. Also thanks, I haven't even thought about what emotions the story is giving off. Thanks again for reading!!

(Saw your post on Ink Chat, glad you use it for its true purpose) like MadHater I noticed a few mistakes as well but they didn't take away from your writing as some can. I feel that you rushed into your action scene. Think about how suspense movies make the viewer feel the character's anxiety. If you show how your character, like that girl Lily, is panicking or feeling it can add even more to your interesting story

Really good beginning! Nice story idea, and it keeps the reader interested and wanting to read more. The only thing, there were a few grammar mistakes-don't worry, I have a LOT- and, when you're in the middle of an action scene, don't worry about letting details bog it down. It'll be just as exciting and even more engaging for the reader if you add those little minute details in there, letting the reader really feel the main character's actions and see their thought process. ... (more »)

Great! Can't wait!!! :D

I really love this! It's such a creative piece, you've written it a bit like The Hunger Games! Only thing that was bad for me was that you had a few spelling mistakes and you forgot some commas and exclamation marks, but that didn't really bother me! Lovely piece, you're definately talented! x