Teen Ink

Chapter 4

When she walked into class today, there was something off about her. Almost like the girl I used to know died in the car crash. I guess she didn’t know that I did, too. I sigh, tossing my smile at the occasional longing glances from the girls in the room. But I stop when I catch Luce’s eyes. They’re still that piercing green, an almost translucent shade never found. I remember when I looked into those eyes all the time, when banter was friendly and kisses were wild and spontaneous. I used to look into them when I pulled back from a kiss, watching them flutter open before staring at me. I would get so lost in them, so lost that the only way out seemed to be the only decision I wouldn’t allow myself to make. I led her on, friends with f*n’ benefits my ass. I loved her. I still love her. I still wanna pull her into a kiss in the corner of the locker room, I stil wanna stare into those amazing eyes. I wish we hadn’t crashed. I wish I hadn’t ruined it only a few hours before. Rick punches me in the shoulder. “Dude- stop f*n’ spacing out and talk to me.” I stare at him, a bemused smile playing across my lips. “What the f***, man?” Rick disregards it and goes on talking about ‘Just Celia’ and how they did something the other day. I could have cared less, s***, I cared less than less. I continue to stare at him, there’s more to life than you f*n’ Just Celia, Rick. The bell rings then, a sound I had never been happy to hear until now. I take a seat, only three down from Luce. It’s enough room to not be caught staring but just enough to be able to stare. Her hair was down, drapes between her and the world. She was writing in her notebook, trying to look like she was doing something important. I knew her too well, she was just writing s***. Mr. Fretters keeps talking about god knows what, but only about fifteen minutes later he’s done, giving me the rest of the period to terrorize teenage girls. I trace the markings on my desk with my finger, trying to look non-committed and sensitive because girls like that s***. I started messing around with chicks after the crash. I had to get my mind off of it. Just Celia stands talking to Rick, twirling a bad dye job around her finger and smacking her gum like a jersey girl. I can’t believe I had ever done anything with her. She’s just so fake. Across the room I see Ely approach Luce. He had been on her for a long time, more than I had ever been with her, slowly pining away at the idea that she might just start making out with him in the middle of the hallway. He says a few words, but she immediately breaks down, cloaking her face from him and most likely saying it all under her breath. I bite back a laugh at his rejection and continue to trace the indents. I had always wanted to do that, write our initials in a totally cliché kind of way, scraping them into a tree or bathroom stall like some love-struck loser. But I was a love-struck loser, an in- the- closet one who disguised it with random hook-ups and one night- stands, but a love-struck loser nonetheless. The bell rings again, bringing me out of my romantic movie thoughts and back to reality. The school year has only just begun, but its gonna be a hell of a long one.