Teen Ink

Part three part one: 

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning. Those three sentences? That anaphora? Simply wonderful.

“Mira had told Summer this story once some years ago,” AND ALTHOUGH SHE REFUSED TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN… “Summer had committed it to memory. It was the only time Mira openly talked about the Kingdoms.” Without something in the middle, the but is completely unnecessary and awkward and weird.

Hehehe fat man. I love fat men in... (more »)

Second chapter part one: 

“…emerald into her fist and closed her amber…” I like the color in this. I like color. Colors are pretty. And they’re excellent in stories, I think. Colors can’t be described, but they describe so much.

“The glimmer of the fire, a glimpse of a –“ this frustrates me. But again, that’s a good thing. If (if) it’s a reference to that boy, maybe put that, just one word or one feature al... (more »)

Second chapter part one: 

Problem: in the first chapter, you say that the pendant is a ruby pendant. In the second, you say “the emerald green” of the pendant. 

Second Chapter part one: 

I don’t like this sentence: “It wasn’t a pleasant sensation - eerie and uncomfortable.” We know what a not pleasant sensation is. If you want, liken it to something else in the novel “it wasn’t a pleasant sensation – much like when someone would take a second, unwelcome look at Summer.” Or… something like that anyways. See what I mean? Kinda?

Second chapter part one: 

More description of the room? I feel that, in a story, there can never be too little description. That might be just me, but I feel that, the more you describe a place, the more the reader “sees” it, the more they can put themselves there… and the more they can love the character that is in that same situation. So… I mean, you description of the room is GOOD and solid, but it could (could) be more (colors, shapes, shadows, etc).&... (more »)

Second chapter part one: 

Umm… ambiguous with the pulsing pendant thing. If that’s what you want, then it’s good, but if I were you, I’d explain it relatively quickly. I know that keeping readers in the dark sometimes builds suspense, but sometimes it looses readers. Just… keep that in mind. Certain things you can keep ambiguous for long amounts of time, and I guess this COULD be kept quiet for a while… it’s up to you really. 

Second chapter part one (it won't let me post!)

I'm going to do this paragraph by paragraph... so bear with me please!

Again, I like the first sentences. Your starts are really strong. 

Second Chapter part 2:

Love, LOVE, the description of Mira.

The dialogue between Mira and Summer is excellent. You know, a lot of people have problems writing dialogue, but I happen to think that you did a stellar job. Their conversation really shows their interesting relationship, especially in the beginning.

More description between the dialogue. Describe the cornbread, the table, the woods… Put US there with Summer.

“Oh for the love of Nature”... (more »)

I just read your post about the “review swap” and it sounds like a good idea. Someone being nit-picky always helps, so lemme try here… (I have to break it down into chapters... they won't let me post more than 5000 characters. So...) 

In the first chapter…

I love the first sentence. Love it. BUT… I have a question. Summer is a Fire Celestial. And her mother? Is she a Fire Celestial too? I like the idea that “A single Fire (Summer) flic... (more »)

Niiiiiiiice. 

Obviously, it can be improved, but I feel that, with your attitude and the right amout of perseverance, this can be great stuff. :)

Favorite quote (a habit of mine, I hope you don't mine me quoting you)

"She was different from them, like a bright wildflower sticking out from a sea of orderly tulips."

A note to my lovely readers: 

First of all, thank you guys so much for taking the time to read and comment. Whenever I get a comment and read it, good or bad I love it either way.

I wrote Celestial a while ago, when I was 12, so when I look at this, all the errors become apparent and start screaming at me. 

So recently I've picked up this book again and started re-writing it. BUT I couldn't figure out which POV to write it in. Third person [like this draft] or f... (more »)

I just have to say this was amazing.

I felt like I picked that up at barnes and noble and was absolutely blown away!

one part I'm confused about is wheather the gem on her necklace is a ruby or an emerald because it was reffered to as both.

But other than that this was absolutely magnificant!

your style is great and I'm envious, and i havent finished it yet, but when I do, it would be great if you could read a novel that I'm working on, I'd be really gratefull for ... (more »)

This is amazing! I've read the first three pages and I am absolutely blown away by the story. It really reads like a novel I might get at the library or a Barnes & Noble!

You've done a spectacular job giving the two main characters personality and memorable traits in such a short time so far. The premise of the whole work is intriguing and creative as well.

I can't wait for more! :)

I really love this book! Fantasy is the best (I mean Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, not Twilight). Plus LovelyCheese is such a lovely name.

Soon I might have a book out in the action-adventure category (it's part of a book, it's really fantasy but that part is a-a), so check it out when it comes in (plus my other stuff!)!!!!!