Listen, I don't want to judge you for what you did. It's hard not to laugh, though, when I imagine someone running around town wielding a metal spatula and wearing a rubber Mitt Romney mask (only $6.95 at Party City! The Obama ones are $9.95, I checked). The masked vigilantes of my childhood certainly didn't go around scraping Democratic bumper stickers off innocent cars, but I guess times have changed.
In my imagination you were wearing a suit, because anyone who has on a Mitt Romney mask has to be in a suit. It's pretty remarkable, therefore, that your look seems somehow more ludicrous than all the other self-proclaimed superheroes championing social justice. I mean, they're the ones dressed in spandex onesies. You've really outdone yourself. Congratulations!
I'll be honest, though. I'm a little peeved that you didn't even deign to leave a note. I'm 53 percent sure (the last 47 percent apparently doesn't matter to you anyway) that you don't actually resemble the image I described above, but you didn't leave me any great leads. I'm stuck grappling with thin air, with nothing at all – except, I guess, the gross glue residue still occupying a 3-by-8-inch rectangle on the rear of my car. I can only speculate on your motives and identity.
But really, what am I supposed to think? Do you fancy yourself a real-life champion of grand theft auto? (Hint: you're not doing it right.) Or did you actually steal it for your own use – are you some diehard Democrat too broke to afford your own bumper sticker? If so, 1) I sincerely doubt scraping mine off did you any good, because you left all the glue on my car (thanks) and 2) really? I don't intend to offend the fiscally oppressed, but that sticker was free.
What else could your motives be? Do you hate Obama so fanatically that you can't even bear to scorch your vision with his propaganda? Are you a member of that strain of the American public who despise him almost beyond reason? If so, why didn't you just club my car instead? (Not that I advocate that. Please don't.) But seriously, you had four years to adjust. And what are you doing in California? Please, for your own sake, move to Texas. Or better yet – Saudi Arabia.
So, in the end, I'm still thoroughly bewildered. I am positive there are more productive ways you could be helping the Republican campaign.
They'll thank you, and so will all the other Obama/Biden bumper sticker owners who'll know they can now sleep soundly at night.
Best of luck,
Jackie
P.S. If you need a pointer on where to begin, I hear Mitt Romney is desperately in need of a personal assistant to make sure his limos run on time and his breakfast caviar isn't too salty. True American trooper, that man.
In my imagination you were wearing a suit, because anyone who has on a Mitt Romney mask has to be in a suit. It's pretty remarkable, therefore, that your look seems somehow more ludicrous than all the other self-proclaimed superheroes championing social justice. I mean, they're the ones dressed in spandex onesies. You've really outdone yourself. Congratulations!
I'll be honest, though. I'm a little peeved that you didn't even deign to leave a note. I'm 53 percent sure (the last 47 percent apparently doesn't matter to you anyway) that you don't actually resemble the image I described above, but you didn't leave me any great leads. I'm stuck grappling with thin air, with nothing at all – except, I guess, the gross glue residue still occupying a 3-by-8-inch rectangle on the rear of my car. I can only speculate on your motives and identity.
But really, what am I supposed to think? Do you fancy yourself a real-life champion of grand theft auto? (Hint: you're not doing it right.) Or did you actually steal it for your own use – are you some diehard Democrat too broke to afford your own bumper sticker? If so, 1) I sincerely doubt scraping mine off did you any good, because you left all the glue on my car (thanks) and 2) really? I don't intend to offend the fiscally oppressed, but that sticker was free.
What else could your motives be? Do you hate Obama so fanatically that you can't even bear to scorch your vision with his propaganda? Are you a member of that strain of the American public who despise him almost beyond reason? If so, why didn't you just club my car instead? (Not that I advocate that. Please don't.) But seriously, you had four years to adjust. And what are you doing in California? Please, for your own sake, move to Texas. Or better yet – Saudi Arabia.
So, in the end, I'm still thoroughly bewildered. I am positive there are more productive ways you could be helping the Republican campaign.
They'll thank you, and so will all the other Obama/Biden bumper sticker owners who'll know they can now sleep soundly at night.
Best of luck,
Jackie
P.S. If you need a pointer on where to begin, I hear Mitt Romney is desperately in need of a personal assistant to make sure his limos run on time and his breakfast caviar isn't too salty. True American trooper, that man.
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.
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