Agony

My fear does not escape me. I cannot be free from its grasp without getting caught. I can't love him. Then who else? Who else will love my baby? I tell lies to myself that he will be better without me anyway. Does he know that? Should he? Maybe he might find another girl and she can save him from the pain. But not now. God knows I hope it is. I hope he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he already accepted the idea. Maybe we were not meant to be, or that I just fantasized about him so much that it was only I who thought he said that he loved me. I who thought that all those kisses were not real.
All those kisses...
No. They were real. He was real. Otherwise I would not have this ache so deep in my heart. This fear that burned the wound more under. He wouldn't. He won't
He will not kill himself.