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letter to my 14 year old self
You don’t know everything. But that’s okay—it’s actually good that you don’t. You’re not supposed to. Always trust your gut. Your gut tells you what your mind is afraid to tell you. The places you come from shape you more than you can see. Listen to the sounds of your hometown. Eventually you will love being there. Going for walks is the best remedy for anxiety. Driving a car will never terrify you any less. Soon you will feel singular. Your mother is human too. He is not the one for you. Kindness never looks good strung out. You will face a lot of your biggest fears without knowing they’re your biggest fears. But you will always, always bounce back. You are stronger than you think. Hold onto the things that make you smile when you’re alone. You will make friends that will love you in ways you never imagined you could be loved. You will find the acceptance you crave. You think you crave it from institutions, but you really crave it from within. One day you’ll have it from both. Don’t be afraid to take up space. Love what you love. If it’s important, you’ll never be ashamed. Keep questioning. Questioning is a microcosm of destabilization. Your curiosity will take you far. And your dreams will pretty much stay the same. That is a mark of singularity, not immaturity. Because the truth is, you’ve known yourself pretty well all along. You just need to build up a belief system in gut feelings first. And you will, my darling, because you are just as resilient as your intuition.
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Age fourteen was the most formative age for me. It was the year in which for the first time I experienced love, loss, sense of self, introspection, grief, trauma, a shift in family dynamics, and everything else in between. This is by far the most personal poem I have ever written, because I know if I had a time machine, I would go right back to age fourteen and offer myself grace I only now see I deserve with a few years of wisdom and experience in my pocket.