She looks back

By blue-midnight, hoffman estates, IL

I look at her,
She looks back.
Hatred in my eyes
When I see her look back.
Brown eyes pierce through mine
Disgust is my first thought.
Perfect is my instinct,
She does not meet it.
Blond, blue eyes,
that's what I want to see.
Perfect smile, perfect weight,
Those are the perfect traits.
Nobody will love you!
You are a horrible creature
She argue, She screams.
Tears come to her eyes,
Sobs escape her lips.
My own reflection is my worst enemy.

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ajibike said...
Jan. 8, 2010 at 4:54 pm:

Very good. I agree with othello's comment. I think there is a typo: I think you meant she argues..And the "internal" dialogue is a bit hard to decipher but I guess that would be easier to tell with italics and such. I like it. Great first poem (feel free to read some of my stuff and critique)

justme101 replied...
Jan. 11, 2010 at 11:36 pm :

Thanks for the feedback!! To Ajibike I see what you mean, I will try to change that (both the typo and the dialogue).
To othello03 I'm not really sure how long it took but I know it took awhile. That's why now I'm putting them up on the forum, its a lot faster and you get lots of feedback.
To XCLover thanks. yea that's what basically I usually do. I have been told that before so its fine. Thanks for commenting though.

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othello03 said...
Dec. 22, 2009 at 3:57 pm:

that's really good. i can't honestly think of any way to make it better. it well captures the self-loathing we so often feel. i wrote and submitted a poem called futility that's similar. how long did it take for this to get on the site?

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XCLover said...
Dec. 14, 2009 at 7:27 pm:

It's really good already. When I'm writing poetry I just write my thoughts and feelings and just let the words flow, it looks like that's what you did so I can't really tell you how to improve on it, sorry.