Can't I?

I can't cry.
Not in front of them.
Because I'm the strong one.
Because I'm the perfect one.
Because I'm the happy one.
I'm the good one.
I'm the one who is always hyper.
I'm the one who shows no weakness.
I can't show them how vulnerable I really am.
I can't show them the broken soul I really am.
Because I'm the strong one.
I can't show how much their deaths actually affected me.
I can't cry out for a hug, for someone to hold me and tell me that its alright, that they're safe.
I can't be the weak one.
Because two of my best friends are clinically depressed, and almost all of the other self-harm.
I can't be weak, when they need someone to be so strong.
But,
Can't I just once, cry out, hold onto someone, without them shushing me? I need someone to just hold me.
Can't I be me, just once?
Just this once.