Her, Me, and Thee

, Chicago, IL

The author's comments:

Quotes MEANING OF: "Her vision becomes distorted, -CRYING!- but the image is already stuck in her head." This means that the character was unhappy of what stood out before her, which made her cry. Her/Me tries to to come up with different scenarios that would explain of what she just saw, but no avail, it's too late, she knows the truth. The occurrence of this event leads Her/Me to be a nonentity or recluse, and ousted in the dark becoming "mad" full of hurt, cutting herself hoping the pain, sorrow, and agony will flow out along with her blood. Later on, she kills herself, all of this is blamed by "Thee" In the 1st two lines of the poem I don't say what is stands before Her/Me, because I want the reader to come up with ideas of why the character would cry, and call "Thee" monsters that "don't care or feel / all they do is lie." Also "Thee"is a group of people who have lead Her/Me to her death. Quotes

What stands before her,
she does not want to believe.

ANATHEMA!

Her vision becomes distorted,
-CRYING!-
but the image is already
stuck in her head.

Thee look what you all
have done to her.
I’ve watched her suffer in agony,
I’ve watched her shed blood,
I’ve watched her go mad,
I’ve… watched her kill herself.

Thee look what
you all have done.
You shunned her out.

How is it that
monsters get to live in the light,
while she was concealed behind the darkness?

Thee you made her into nothing,
doesn’t that mean something,
you all contributed to her death.
I forgot monsters don’t care or feel
all they do is lie.

I am “her”
Thee you have killed me
now I shall watch you kill each other.

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InkWriter13 said...
Jun. 22, 2012 at 7:10 pm:

I like the use of Thee instead of an identified name. But you shouldn't have to list long sidenotes to the reader so that they understand the poem. The reader is supposed to grasp the meaning behind your words/thoughts/poem by just the poem itself. A little more clarity is needed, but don't give up on the base idea. I love the dark intruige of monsters leading to the death of a human. Fascinating and truly poetic. Just develop it more and clean up some thoughts.

Silver-winged replied...
Jun. 22, 2012 at 7:38 pm :

yea, my cousin pushed me into writing such a long sidenote. she kept saying,

"what happens if they don't understand it, explain what that means." she can be pushy at times.

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starzforever said...
May 29, 2012 at 3:51 pm:

i love the darkness of your poem

and the last part were you are thee.

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Golfish said...
May 27, 2012 at 8:24 pm:

I like it, but thee you is saying the same thing, hun. Thee or you. Choose. The poem itself was good enough that you dont need to overexplain next time. You can pprtray some of your meaning, but poetry is objective.

Golfish replied...
May 27, 2012 at 8:25 pm :

portray, not whatever that word was.

lizerina776 replied...
Jun. 22, 2012 at 10:50 am :

I agree.....it was good, but I felt the use of "you" and "thee" at the same time didn't really make it sound genuine with the voice you were going for.

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Lacer said...
May 16, 2012 at 6:50 pm:

First off, don't provide an explanation. It makes you seem overeager and feels like your trying to say "I know it's too deep for you, so here, I'll just tell you." It's condescending.
Then, the structure is awkward. At first, the interuptions do little to help, and instead interupt the flow of the poem. Then, they never appear again when more action is happening. If you used more of them and at the end/between stanzas, they'd have a more powerful effect that doesn't distract the reader.<... (more »)

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crushed_veneer said...
May 16, 2012 at 10:22 am:

this poem is amazing. i really connected to it, one of the best i've ever read on here

Silver-winged replied...
Sept. 1, 2012 at 4:35 pm :

Thank you for loving/ my poem. All of what you all said has touched my heart and i will take all of your advice to create more "beautiful, amazing, but dark :-) poems"

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poetidea_myworld_22 said...
May 7, 2012 at 7:52 am:

This is amazing I love it u can feel the emotion nd it flows beautifully :)