drowning is harder when there's no water
when you're still choking for air
but alone in your room
on the floor
looking up at the ceiling
music blasting to cover up your sobs and gasps
tissues scattered around like white rose petals
with your thoughts running through the cycle of
"i hate myself"
"i am useless"
"i'm sorry"
"i can't do anything right"

over
and over
and over

until it leaves you feeling not-quite human
as if you don't exist
as if you aren't real

this isn't loneliness
this isn't sadness
this isn't the depression waving "Hi, I'm back!"
this is the depression
punching you until you're down
kicking you while you lay there defenseless
grabbing you by your throat and squeezing
picking you up
and slamming you back down
into the dark fog that rolled over you for two years

when the sobs ebb away
and the music is about to end
your head is left feeling vacant
and your mind is empty
you somehow manage to pick yourself off the floor
throw away the tissues
turn off the music
walk to the bathroom
splash cold water on your face

and regain some resemblance of normalcy
even when you feel like you've just drowned

drowning is easy when the water is your thoughts