I want to be as strong as myself.
The self that I meet on long walks, listening to music
the self that can has the ambition I lack
the self who is eloquent and composed
I am so far from her that it hurts to stop thinking about her- 
that’s the problem with imagination.

Mostly I live in someone else’s.
When I come home and watch hours of scripted nothings
I am omniscient, but without control
and that is comfortable.

She comes up every once and a while
making me search for online college courses
so I can Have Initiative in my High School Career
making me overwork small assignments
proving nothing, signifying nothing, giving me stress, later,
when I have absolutely no motivation,
just even more loose ends.

Wasn’t junior year supposed to be busy?
I’m not doing it right.