I thought that I loved you. Turns out, you're just another guy that I'm interested in and that until I get to know who you are again, and until you get to know who I am again, we can't jump into a serious relationship. That's just not how it works. And again, I'm sorry that this is what is happening, but this is what I need. I need to take time to figure out life. Being in school and having more responsibilities as a teenager is difficult. And I don't want to add to that list of difficulties. It's just too much. And I'm sorry that we tried to prevent this from happening and now it's happening, but I just can't get over the fact that you said that you don't care about what my parents think, all you care about is being able to talk to me and being with me. I just don't know if I can be with a guy who can't respect my parents and my family. It's just too hard to do. If you can learn how to respect my parents and learn how to respect what my family believes, then maybe I'll come back. I guess this is turning into more of a breakup and less of a taking a break. But if that's what needs to happen, then that's what needs to happen. I just can't do this right now where I'm at. It's too hard. And I don't need another hard thing in my life. I already have school and after school stuff that I need to worry about and I need to start learning how to help my parents with stuff and I want to start helping my dad with cleaning the garage out so we can move all of it over to the new house. And I can't do that unless I get my homework done. And I can't get my homework done unless I stop talking to you and stop thinking about you and all of that. I just need to focus on school and nothing else right now. It's not that my grades are bad, it's just that I need to not have any distractions so I can keep my good grades. And after school, when i start talking to you, i get distracted and my homework ends up not done or mostly not done. And again for like the millionth time, it's not anything you have done. It's me. I'm the problem and I need to stop and slow the heck down.

I know I sound like I'm being harsh and I know you're going to say that I'm being too hard on myself. That's not true. I might be being harsh but I'm not being too hard on myself. I'm doing what I need to do and what's right for me.. And I know that it makes no sense but this is what I need and this is what I want. I don't want to be rushed into something I'm not ready for and I don't want to feel like I need to be better and that I'm not doing this or that. I just need time and space away from people and friends that I don't see everyday. Being at school and having fun with my friends at school is what I want. I want to be able to free my life from distractions and the only way to do that is to ghost the people that I text all the time. The only way to do that is to not have to always be worrying about people and if i remembered to look at something or if i'm caught up with the current news. I just need to stop and take a break from people and other distractions that have to do with my phone. And I know this sounds crazy but when I had my phone, I was constantly getting distracted scrolling through the news and texting people. At one point, my phone was such a big distraction that I ended up getting it taken because people kept texting me and I kept turning it off. And every time my phone would vibrate, it would distract the people around me. I'm honestly kinda glad that my mom took my phone because now i don't have that distraction and i can focus on school and my homework and not be constantly worried about when i texted someone last or if they've texted me back yet or how long ago the responded and how long it's taken me to respond. And also i think a phone detox is the best way to disconnect from everything.

I just need to be done. I've given up. And I don't know what's going to change that. I just need to be done. And I've given up on even trying at this point. I'm done. You haven't really even crossed my mind today. I just absentmindedly started typing my thoughts during AC and just didn't quite know where I was going. I just started typing and ended up with 3 pages of just thoughts. I guess typing out my thoughts is better than trying to get people to listen to me. I've just always been the type of person to not want to talk to people so I just write it all out instead. And I know that sounds crazy but it makes me feel better to just write it out and vomit my thoughts onto a page without even thinking about what I'm saying. That's where all of this came from. Just wanting to get things out of my head. And now I'm on page 11 of just thought vomit. And I have no intention of stopping this anytime soon. I just came here to write whatever I need to. And that's what I like about being able to just get rid of all of my thoughts but not really get rid of them. I like being able to write them down so I can go through and read them and remember all of my breakdowns and heartaches and all of my issues. It just feels nice. And I like that feeling. And not really thinking about you today was not really a bad feeling. I just was too busy thinking about nothing. And then writing about that nothing. And then continuing to write about that nothing forever and ever. If i don't keep writing this, then i might just explode. I feel safe being able to write all my thoughts down in a document that nobody is ever going to see or read. Because that's how my brain works. I don't like sharing my thoughts with other people because I don't want to get judged. I never have liked to tell other people about my feelings. Because I don't want to get judged. And yes im gay. And i'm proud of that. But i haven't told hardly anyone because I'm too afraid to get judged. Because being judged is by far the worst thing in life. You never know what other people are thinking when they judge you but you always know when they are judging you. And I don't like that. I just want to be able to be out and proud. But I'm scared. I'm scared that people are going to say things and do things that hurt. And I'm not ready for that. Maybe I might come out to my small circle of friends. But maybe I won't. Because I don't know how many of them I can trust. And the last thing I want is for the whole school to know. Because I don't want that to come back and bite me in the ass. The world is a scary place. And I don't know if I'm ready to face it.

I've tried to quit. But I can't bring myself to do it. I just can't. Not quit life but just quit you. I want to but I can't. I care too much to do that. But I also don't care enough to fight. I'm in between. I just want to quit. I need to quit. But I just can't. And I don't know why I can't quit. I just need to quit. It's too hard to be yours right now. I just need to be done with you and with everything around you. And it has nothing to do with you. I just can't do this. I guess I am breaking up with you. But you're never going to know that. You're going to figure it out but you're never going to truly know until I tell you. You're going to figure it out because I'm not responding to you. That's going to tell you that i can't. And i'm not. I'm not going to fight and I'm not going to come back to you with an open heart or open arms. When I come back, it's not going to be the same. I'm not going to love you the same and im not going to talk to you the same. I'm just going to be a friend and not anything more. I just don't want to put myself in a position like that for a while. Until I learn more about myself and more about you, I can't be yours. It's just not going to work. And I'm sorry that it has to be this way but I just can't. I thought I loved you but I soon realized that it was fake. That I couldn't love you. That I feared commitment. I just feared reality and I feared losing you. So to prevent that fear, I pushed you away. And I might regret that in the future but for now, the only way to get rid of that fear is to push you away. Pushing you away makes me feel like I'm not losing you but that I'm just putting distance between us. I know I need to learn how to get over my fear of commitment but I need to not be in a relationship to figure myself out.

My thoughts have gone on constantly. I never thought that it would be this long. But I need to write. It satisfies me in some odd way. I'm talking to yet another person tonight. And she's going to say the same thing my parents did. And I'm not looking forward to it. It's just going to be her talking to me. And I don't like when people talk to me. So wish me luck as I go listen to someone talk about exactly what I've heard twice now. Everything has already changed. Talking to me about it isn't going to change anything. It's already changed what it needed to change. So I'm probably not going to listen to her whole speech. Because I've already heard it. It's just coming from a different person. And I'm not going to tell her this because I can't trust her fully. I can't even fully trust my parents. Because the last time something like this happened and I told my mom, she put me into therapy. And I'm not doing that again. Unless i can do it by myself and i can trust the person enough not to tell my parents that im gay. Cause that's all I wanted to tell my therapist the last time. Im gay. That's all i wanted to tell her but i couldn't. Not because I didn't trust her. Because I did. But because my mom didn't trust me enough to let me talk to my therapist by myself. She always had to be there. Even after I had been going for months. She always wanted to be there. And when i told her i didn't want to be in there, she said that because she was paying for it, she was allowed to be in there. I just want to be able to talk to someone myself without a parent or grandparent with me. It's just too hard. Because when someone was in there with me, i couldn't talk about the things i was actually there to talk about. I just wish I could go back to the same person because it's someone I know and can trust. Because she is one of the few that actually takes patient confidentiality seriously. And it's sad that it's like that. But I want to just go in and talk to her about life and about how it's not easy not being someone who can't be at home. But if I tell my mom why I want to go, she's gonna say that I can't because that's not a reason to need to go. But yet she goes to therapy to talk about how having kids is hard and about how her husband doesn't listen to her. She goes to therapy to vent about life. That's the only reason I want to go. Is to vent about life. And how having parents that are overly controlling is hard. But of course, my parents always say that they aren't controlling, they are just loving parents that want to keep me safe. But they know that being controlling is like the same thing as trying to keep me safe. They don't let me do anything with people anymore because they want to “keep me safe.” but that's not how it works. They just want to put me into a box that I have no way of getting out of. Until I'm a legal adult and they can no longer go through my stuff, I'm not going to be who I truly am and who I want to be. I have to hide everything. And I want to stop hiding everything. I want to be able to be out and proud of who I am. Not some innocent little girl. Cause that's not me. I'm not a little girl anymore. And I'm not the innocent person they think I was. That's not me. Im gay and im involved in stuff and im part of groups and i have not so innocent friends. I'm not the person I used to be. High school has changed me a lot more than they thought it would. It changed me a lot more than I thought it would. And it's continuing to change me. I've changed just in the last month that I've been going to a new school. I've gotten bigger and better and I've gone into the shadows a little but ive also come out as a person. I'm not the person I used to be. I'm not even a girl anymore. I'm in between. I don't know what or who I identify as. I'm just me. I'm nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm not confused but I'm also a little confused all at the same time. Life is hard and I haven't quite figured it out.

I don't feel bad for not texting you. I just feel like it's a normal thing. I just don't want to text you. I can't tell if it's a bad thing or not. I only texted you because you're concerned. I'm not concerned. I just wanted to assure you that I'm ok. You're worried about me which makes me feel a different way. But I don't think it's what you're feeling. I'm not worried about you but I could tell that you are worried about the fact that I haven't been talking to you. I wouldn't expect me to talk to you at all for a long time. Cause this is the only time i'll ever get to talk to you. At least for a long time. And you'll notice that I didn't say I love you. Cause i'm not sure i do anymore. You can say it all you want but that's not going to change much on my end. Because I already changed and I'm not going back anytime soon. And I'm not sorry anymore. Because I've gotten over that. And I've gotten over you enough to not be that worried. I know that's not what I told you but that's how I feel. And I'm not sorry about feeling that way. And I know that you're sorry but I'm not. So it cancels out. Life is just an equation that I don't feel like solving.

I just left. And now I'm happy. Mostly. But not really. I can't believe that some girl on your bus told you that I was making stuff up about me. I just am glad that you understand and you're going to wait for me to be ready if I'm ever ready. I just need you to know that it's not going to be the same as it was those two days that we truly had each other. I don't think that we are ever going to have each other again like we did those couple days. I'm just not ready for that. And I'm not ready for anything other than school right now. And I need you to know that if I like another guy, it's not because I don't want to be with you, it's because he's a nice guy and we have a lot of the same thoughts. And we hang out in the lunch line and he hates the fact that I push through the crowds to get my food faster. And he makes fun of how short I am. And he's really funny. But I don't know if I could date him. Not because I still kind of have you but because everyone else at my lunch table except for me and one other girl has been with him at some point. So I don't know how Ava, Rosemary and Kaylin would feel about me being with him. It would be kinda weird if i'm being honest. But he's really cool and he's in my Spanish class. We actually sat right next to each other in spanish. And he sits at my table at lunch. I don't have his number or his discord but I might at least get his discord. But I don't know. He's just a cool guy. And I like him. But enough about him and back to you. I just think that the fact you understand that I need time and space is amazing and it shows that you care. And also i'm hoping that you actually listen to what i told you about not caring what my family thinks is a red flag for me. And I'm hoping that you take that in and you try to change that. Because if I do figure out myself and I come back, if you can't respect me and my family, then I can't be with you. It's just not going to be able to work like that. Cause that's not how i work and that's not how my family works. Also i didn't get the talk again last night. I don't think she even knows. I think my parents realized that I actually listened to them for once and decided that they didn't need to tell her. Which is good for me. I just hope that if im not ever ready to come back that you understand why and i also hope that it doesn't end the friendship that we have. I just need you to know that I still talk about you. Just not the way I used to. And not writing on this is really hard. I had to keep my stuff downstairs for a couple nights and it was really hard not being able to decompress at night and just writing for hours on end without having to censor myself. I like that feeling and I like being able to not have to stop if I don't want to. If i could, i would write all night long. And then I would keep going as soon as I got to school. But I can't do that. But what i can do is i can write for hours at night and all during my AC class right before lunch. I like not having to really think about anything and just being able to write whatever I want. It's a nice and satisfying feeling to have. And I'm only going to say this once but I might still love you. Just kidding. I do still love you. I just don't want you to know that. Yet. But maybe someday. When I'm ready. If I'm ever ready again.

Note to self. Don't play your trumpet right after running up two full flights of stairs. My mom told me that I did a good job and was responsible for the way that I left you. She also said that she likes that I'm writing down my feelings instead of keeping them inside. She said nothing about therapy but it might be something she considers. I hope not but who knows. I just hope that I get my phone back soon so that way I can text you and tell you how much I care about you and how much I still love you. Even though I said I wasn't going to say that, those feelings are coming back. I just don't want to tell you that yet because I feel like you might take it the wrong way. But don't worry about me. Keep your head on straight and don't listen to what the people on your bus say. That one girl doesn't know me. She just wants to con you into believing her so she can get with you. She doesn't know what she's talking about. And she doesn't know what she's dealing with in terms of me being yours. And you know that I would never do that to you. You know that if I wanted to get with someone else, I wouldn't use you to do it. I would tell you that I didn't want to be with you and then I would wait a little bit to get with said person. But that's not who I am. I wouldn't use you for anything. And I for sure would not make up something like that. If she does it again, I'll beat her ass and she won't be able to do a thing about it. She doesn't know how much I care about you and she doesn't know what I would do in order to prevent you from leaving me. You better tell her that I, your girlfriend, confirmed that I didn't just leave and that my parents did in fact take my phone from me. If she still doesn't believe you, you beat her ass into a pulp. She doesn't even deserve you and honestly, neither do i. But here we are. And I swear to you, I will never, ever, ever use you for anything. And I will never, ever leave you for anything. I care about you too much to do that. That girl, whatever her name is, is stupid and has not even a clue what i would do to her if i found out she did something to you. You don't let her do anything to you and I wont do anything to her. But if she does anything to you, I will do everything in my power to remove her from your life. And she won't ever bother you again.