TEMPE, AZ – There has been a lot more napping recently on the Tempe campus of Arizona State University, the party college of America, where Senate Bill 1467 has just been signed by Gov. Jan Brewer. The Bill, which prohibits any educational institution from banning weapons on public rights-of-way, has students and faculty alarmed by the inevitable and dangerous outcome of the bill’s passing: a dramatic increase in exhaustion and fatigue experienced by all who walk the sidewalks of the university’s campus.
Paul Weimer, a junior majoring in Biochemistry on Arizona State University’s Tempe campus, is one of the many students who have opposed the bill from the very beginning. Says Weimer, “What kind of ridiculous politician came up with this idea? I mean, don’t they know how heavy our backpacks are already? I have a chemistry book that has to weigh, like, sixty pounds… minimum!” Complaints about the new bill have been pouring onto Mark Jacob’s desk, the Dean of the Barrett Honors College, on campus. Jacobs, who recently attended a Barrett College Council meeting to discuss the new bill, was quoted as saying, “Honors students have been hit the hardest by the new bill. Most students carry around a notebook and a pencil or two, but our honors students always come prepared to class with extra paper, books, calculators, colored pencils, protractors, and now a gun. I worry that this extra weight the students are lugging around will have negative consequences on them in the future.”
The Dean has sufficient reason for concern. The health center on campus has witnessed an extraordinary rise in visits from students and faculty, all complaining of symptoms related to back pain they get from carrying the guns all day. The weapons, weighing an average of 34 ounces, have put a substantial amount of added pressure on the vertebrae in the back, with some students claiming they now have to wear protective braces during the day to prevent total back collapse, or worst, paralysis. And back pain is not the only complaint heard by campus health officials. Nurse Julia Lynwood has seen problems in students’ body alignments stemming from carrying the guns for long periods of time. “Jeff came into my office just the other day – actually, it was more like he limped into my office. I thought I was seeing a zombie from the Walking Dead coming towards me like I was his next meal. I knew right then that these guns were bad news.” According to Lynwood, the added weight on one side of the body eventually causes the student to limp because they no longer have the energy required to balance the uneven load. Senior Michelle Corolla now suffers from an improper gait due to carrying her gun on campus. “I carry my gun on the right side of my hip, and I’ve gotten used to having to exert extra effort to lift my right leg when walking,” said Corolla. “Even when I’m visiting my parents in Texas without my gun, I still walk with a limp. I don’t know if I’ll ever walk normally again.”

Professors around campus have been fuming over the exhaustion of their students. The extra weight now carried by almost all students on campus has caused them to show up late to class and then fall asleep for the entire duration of the lesson. Sophomore Music major Wyatt Hendrickson said, “I’m just completely wiped out from the moment I strap my gun on and walk out my bedroom door. I used to get to class ten minutes early, and now I have to stop and rest at every bench I see on my way to class. I usually show up about thirty minutes late, and that’s on a day when I wake up extra early to try and get there on time.” Several students admit that they are close to being dropped from their classes for having too many absences and tardies. Students resting on a bench near Old Main told reporters Tuesday that their exhaustion has caused them to get headaches which prevent them from understanding the material being taught in class. As soon as they muster up enough energy, they intend to petition for more benches to be installed along Palm Walk, in hopes that extra stops for resting will allow students to mentally recharge for class. Engineering Professor Rakesh Patel is in support of the extra benches, telling reporters “I’m sick of students falling asleep in class because of their guns! I do admit that class is a lot more quiet and serene since the gun bill has passed, but students are failing left and right!” Adds Honors English Professor Cornelia Wells, “I hate the bill. When I see other students starting to nod off to sleep, I want to go right with them!”

Sleeping in class is not the only issue professors are left to deal with after the passing of Senate Bill 1467. Many professors have reported difficulties in having enough space in the classroom. Accounting Professor Bill Beckett was eager to talk to reporters about the issue. “By the time most students enter my classroom, they’ve been lugging around these guns all day. So, they like to take them off and rest them on the desk. The problem is, now there’s a huge gun taking up the whole desktop. Where is the quiz going to go? Where is the pencil, or the calculator, or the notebook? Where is it all going to go?” For freshman student Amelia Juarez, space in the classroom is not as big a concern as the new ballistic glass walls that have been built around each professor’s desk are. “If a bullet can’t even pierce through the glass, how is sound expected to? Here I am doing the right thing by going to class each day and I can’t even hear what the teacher is lecturing about!” The glass walls are not popular among most professors at the school either, who insist that the small enclosed spaces around their desks lead to poor air quality. Many people might also recall what happened in January of this year, when Biology Professor Sharon York was rushed to the hospital after a severe case of claustrophobia. She is doing better now, but admits her work space still gives her nightmares.

What certainly is one of the most important aspects of college life affected by the recent passing of Senate Bill 1467 is NCAA sporting events. The Arizona State University boys’ basketball team has been recreating the 2011 NBA Lockout on their own campus, refusing to get back on the court until guns are once again outlawed in college arenas and stadiums nationwide. The Lockout on campus could not have come at a better time, for coaches have reported all-time lows in energy levels for each of the athletes. Junior point guard DeAndre Robinson tried explaining the team’s exhaustion on the court with reporters. “Ever since Senate Bill 1467 was passed, our team has felt an added pressure to excel from our fans and fellow Sun Devils. Now if we miss a shot, we get shot!” Apparently, Robinson was not joking. The University’s basketball coach recently ordered bulletproof vests, weighing close to 25 pounds each, to be worn by every player during the remaining games of the season. Senior shooting guard Jamal Mitchell has witnessed his game performance take a turn for the worse with the addition of the vests. Said Mitchell, “I’m already nervous about trying to play a perfect game for the crowd, and it’s hard to shoot well, dribble fast, and dodge opponents when I feel like I have a set of bricks on my shoulders. I’ve gotten so tired in the games that I’m forced to drop the ball and hope that one of my boys is there to snatch it up.” The athletes are not the only ones concerned with the plight in the team’s performance. Roger Basham, the team’s President of Finances, is looking into hiring bodyguards for the athletes on game days, but he told reporters that he expects an increase of at least $500 in tuition per student for the next school year if that were to happen. Said Basham, “Right now, the team’s safety is not our main concern, so we’ll hold off on the bodyguards. Instead, we are going to focus on the most important issue at hand, and that is to whip these players back in shape and win the next two or three games!”
Obviously, several students and professors across Arizona State University’s Tempe campus are outraged by the bill and the politicians who support it. However, most of the bill’s opponents are too tired to do anything about it. Bianca Alvarez, a sophomore Kinesiology major, summed up the issue when she was quoted as saying, “The bill for guns on campus is absolutely ludicrous! It has caused us all to become extremely sluggish and exhausted. I don’t know how much longer my body will be able to physically cart this gun around with me all day at school.” If guns continue to be allowed on the university campus, it could spell disaster for this party college, as more students toss their red Solo cups and succumb to an early bedtime.