It has been widely known and discussed for some time now that women’s lives are often dictated by fear in ways that men’s lives are not. The failure of our institutions as well as the collective failure of the American populace (and especially men) to create a safe and equal environment has created a country in which the threat of violence lingers almost constantly over a woman’s head. She meticulously plans her route to work, her outfit, her day, according to what is most safe. The amount of freedom she enjoys is inversely related to the amount of sunlight outside or her phone’s battery percentage. She mustn't have too much fun at a party, be too harsh in denying a man’s advances, or God forbid, wear anything to reveal the fact that she has a body. It is downright shameful that this oppression has been tolerated for so long. This is why I have taken it upon myself to create a fair and sensible solution.

If all American women owned a gun, it would be a step in the right direction. In fact, better to have three guns–one for her home, one for her car, and a concealed carry. The government shouldn’t have a problem funding this with our bloated military budget, and as we all know, the Trump administration values and prioritizes the safety and wellbeing of its female citizens. Furthermore, men should be banned from owning guns since this would effectively even the playing field. In fact, if we simply redistribute the already owned guns, this solution won’t cost much at all! And, given that the vast majority of firearm related crimes are committed by men, they’ve already proven they can’t be trusted with them anyway. If only women had guns, the world would be a much safer place for everyone.

Ladies, imagine: you are walking to your car when you notice a man walking closely behind you. After several paces, it is clear that he is following you, and no one else is around. In an ancient time, you might have called a friend, called the police, or simply sprinted to your car gripping pepper spray in one hand and your keys in the other, praying that the cops would at least find your body. But those are the days of the past. Today, you spin around to meet his gaze, pull a loaded Glock out of your purse, and point it straight between his eyes. Confused and shocked, he runs away, pissing his pants and sobbing. He slowly fades into the distance, but not before yelling “BITCH!” through his tears like a fifteen year old boy whose mother just took away his Xbox. You walk unfollowed to your car, and after sitting down, decide not to lock it. For a moment you just sit there, admiring the gun in your hands, trying to process what just happened.

This must be what freedom feels like. Your head spins with all the things you could do. Maybe you’ll go for a walk! Alone. At night. Maybe you’ll go clubbing with your friends wearing whatever you want and drink whatever you want. When you Uber home, you won’t even have to worry about the creepy driver! Maybe you’ll just live your life. Only now, when you say “No”, it means something. Maybe this is what it feels like to be a man.

Everywhere you walk, groups of grown men scurry to avoid lone women on the street. Your handsy male coworker is suddenly holding his breath in your presence. You once overhear him and another male coworker talking about how terrified they are to take the Lightrail home after closing, and you shrug it off. They aren’t talking about you and your gun. You’re one of the good ones. Last week when your boyfriend talked back to you, you gave him a warning shot. He’s lucky. You could have killed him. Boys are so sensitive anyway. Don’t they know gender inequality is a third world issue?

Of course, it will take time and effort to make this a reality. We’ll have to figure out a way to confiscate men’s guns, then figure out a way to redistribute them. We’ll also have to figure out how to address the issue of unregistered firearms, how to control the black market, and what to do in the unlikely event that giving women guns won’t undo centuries of gender inequity. Still though, it’s easier than reflecting on the ways you’ve contributed to a culture of inequality and making a conscious effort to change them. That’s just too hard and too depressing. One day, we’ll figure out a way to do one of those things. Until then, ladies, stay safe. And practice your aim.