My mistake was staying and pretending a romantic relationship that lacks clear definitions/commitment was an “almost something.” I’m a situationship survivor, and I may still be healing from it. But sometimes thinking about that situationship makes me realize that I have never been “loved” like that before.

During the winter of my sophomore year, there was this guy. I never noticed him until that time. He just came into the fall of 2022. I never would’ve thought he and I could be friends. Nor being close to being more. Then traded numbers to share locations. We were in the gym and were slowly becoming friends. We sat by each other talking about how we hate having PE first period and we wanted to leave to go to McDonald's. Then there was a riot because the school did not have water. The school ended up letting us go home. While I waited for my parents to pick me up. I stood alone with nobody by and hated every second of how sad and pathetic I looked. I noticed he was looking at me and I motioned him to come to me. He left his friends to stay with me. We had a small conversation. Then I finally asked him. Two days before I followed his spam account and saw he didn’t mind sharing locations. So I popped the question to him, “Can I have your location?”

From that day on, he and I kept texting each other. I loved talking to him. He would call me at random times. Compared to my past relationships, I realized he was “different” in the sense that I could tell him anything and never felt judged. Normally guys act judgy when I ask questions, such as “What happened in math?” He was patient with me. He accepted me for who I was. I didn’t have to act like someone I wasn’t for him. He invited me out at times but I could never meet with him because of my strict parents. He didn't mind it though. At times he could come over but my neighbor had a camera and I was worried about getting caught leaving to see him. The night before he wanted to cut it off, he didn't act differently. He treated me like he always did. With I thought was “love.” The day he texted me and I quote “I don't wanna lead you on. I think it’s best if we end it.” I remember that day we had finals. I was in Spanish for my second class. I began to silently sob. I literally got my stuff and left. I had my blanket to cover my face. I sobbed at the tables where EVERYONE could see me. He even walked by while I was crying to his close friend about what he said. I was completely shattered.

I eventually forgave him due to my forgiving nature and the love I had for him. We continued to be friends but did not text as often. I tried to distance myself from him, but it was impossible because I thought of the memories and how he treated me. He acted as if he didn't do anything wrong. It upset me so much. I was the one who was in pain. I questioned myself, “Did he even like me?” I had a game and I let this whole thing get in my head. Not only did I fail my team, I failed myself if I'm going to be honest. I didn't notice the signs, even if there weren't any. I wished this was a nightmare. I wanted to wake up from it so bad. But it was real. It tore me apart every time I saw him. I just wanted to jump into his arms. I wanted to hold his hand. 

From February to early June, we were on and off. I hoped he would change for me. But he was with other girls. By the start of summer, he had finally stopped texting me and we became strangers. He wasn’t the one for me and I wasn’t the one for him. He recently began to talk to me again. I forgave him. I accept what happened between us. I allowed him to enter my life again. I have my boundaries with him which were never established to him, but I made clear. We don’t talk as often. But when we do it’s small talk or me giving him a snack. Do I still love him? The answer is no. I will not be the girl who will always let him come back whenever he wants.